They are Just Boobs.

I have been hearing a lot of boo-hoo about the holiday bs. Merry Christmas, happy holiday, season's greeting, happy Hanukkah.

This post isnt about any of that. This post is about me. Which all my posts are, being that it is why bloggers blog.

I really try to write witty funny stuff. But it doesnt come when I am sitting here. My stuff is usually a bit deep. I need to expel the babble or it is a broken record in my head.

I love this time of year. I love giving to my family and sharing meals and planning stuff with friends. I love going shopping among the complainers and wrapping gifts and fudge. I enjoy trying to give to people and xmas really is about the gifts. Wait? What?

It is and it isnt. But that is my contribution to it in my family. I dont decorate because I hate the after clean up. We have a Charlie Brown tree. Lights, kids ornaments and Target bulbs. I love buying gifts for my kids. I dont really buy them a whole lot during the year other then them having their basic needs met. They try for more in, say, March, but they get nothing.

But this year, I have been very reflective outside of the gifts. Of course it is only in my own head. Currently that thing is secure and in a good place.

I have had one hell of a roller coaster year. Emotionally draining. The upside is that nothing horrific or life threatening happened but the events had very stressful and lasting worry.

Status update: I am loved.

That was easy. When I start to ponder and fret and conjure bs in my head I first say that. I am loved. Then decide what action to take.

The boobs title, you ask? I just dont get the fuss about boobs.

Keep it simple.

The Courage to be a Witness

Yesterday I read a truly inspiring blog. This is a part of that blog. I didn't write it but to me, it is worth sharing. Read the entire blog here:


Enjoy.

In 2004 a film was released called Shall We Dance?

“We need a witness to our lives.”

“There’s a billion people on the planet…I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything—the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things—all of it, all the time, every day. You’re saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed, because I will be your witness’.”

I have remembered that little scene from the moment I saw it to this sliver of time that I call Right Now. And I have seen that it takes courage to give a particular level and a special kind of meaning to another person’s life by being there through all of it. It takes courage and unbelievable commitment, because being there for all of it means just that: being there for all of it. It means missing nothing. Not even (and perhaps especially) the things you wish you could miss. It means holding the space for everything that is occurring—including that which is reoccurring.

Life is a repetition. It is the same thing over and over again, in different settings and different ways. Sometimes in the same settings in exactly the same way. And so, in order to be a witness to someone’s life, one has to have endless patience for repetition. Indeed, one has to have endless patience for everything. Because seeing another person every single day of your life means seeing The All of Everything. There is nowhere to hide, nowhere to run.

Ultimately, nothing is secret, nothing can be held back, nothing can be glossed over without finally being found out. Every fear, every trepidation, every insecurity is revealed. Every scar, every past mistake, every childhood injury is uncovered.

And perhaps most difficult of all, very little, after a while, can be said for the first time. Nearly every conversation is in some way a repeat of something that has been said or observed or remembered before. And the longer the marriage, the more this is surely true. And so we must have endless patience for the things Already Said; for the story Already Shared; for the joke A-Hundred-Times-Told; for the regret A-Thousand-Times-Visited.

Yet probably the most challenging aspect of marriage is that it asks us to witness the going downhill of our Beloved. Not just the aging process specifically, but also the larger process by which life’s very activities reduce themselves as time goes by.

The kids grow up and leave the house. Interests change. Retirements occur. A couple is right back where it started when it all began—except now there is nowhere to go. The future is not filled with bright anticipation, the days bring few surprises, and there is precious little to “shoot for.” And if waning health sends one of the partners downhill, fear and dread can set in as the healthier of the pair awaits the inevitable.

Yet when the inevitable comes, there is a reward—there is. And it is a rich reward for both. For one can look into the eyes of the other and know that a life has been seen. It was not all imagined. It was witnessed. Someone was watching and someone was affected. And someone saw how the other was affected. Each saw the other’s tears. Each heard the other ’s laughter. Both joined in both.

No really important experience was held in solitude.

We need a witness to our lives.

But it takes great courage to be a Witness.

So turn to your Witness today and say, “I will treasure you always for what you are giving me. Because you are, I am.

And while you’re about it, say the same thing tonight to God.

Love, Neale.

Beautiful Strangeness

Sooooo, I finally got through to the ex. Rather I let the kids dad know how his life affects his kids. I let him know that they are upset and hurt by his lack of fathering. I let him know that he lost his connection with them. I let him know that they always say "It doesn't matter" when it comes to his let downs. I let him know that all this time is gone. And he agreed. And he reached out. And he started a face book. And he is listening and he is not saying things that he thinks they want to hear. And it has only been a week. But it is a start.

And he sent me this:
hey, thanks for setting me straight. I just had a great time with olivia on line and the phone. thank you for caring maureen, you are a great person. the only thing is i wish is that you did not have to set me straight. thanks again

In other news. I love christmas shopping. And electric blankets. And hot salsa. And planning vacations. And I ate at this place called Cornish Pastie Co. Fuck. So good.

I went to one of the only Barnes and Nobles in the area today. My daughter wants a book for xmas. I saw an old couple walking to the door. They were about the age of my mom and dad. My moment of sadness and longing made me appreciate NOW. Just being able to be alive and have love and food and be able to give. It made me slow down. and smile at people and look them in the eye. Ever notice that nobody says hi? We all stand next to each other and act as if no one is there. I'm going to be be the weird one and talk to you.

I see this one guy walk his three dogs everyday. But he is just standing on the side walk. One of the stupid dogs just barks at everything moving. I would Ceasar Milan that dog and 'Sht' that annoying dog in the throat. Then I would tell that dumb guy that he is the problem. What the hell are people thinking? I have two chihuahuas. They dont bark at anyone. they are calm and know their place. Every dog can be taught.

I still havent worked-out in 5 months.

I work a kick ass job thanks to me.

I am slightly less crazy although I have been worrying more about people.

I have been setting a daily goal.

I truly dislike cold air.

I also despise the media lately. I was watching the news and it had some segement on the to 11 things that changed us in 2011 or something and it literally started talking about charlie sheen. OMG! WTF? I had to yell at the TV and I just couldnt watch another moment of BS.

I have way more gray hair than I care to admit. That in itself serves no purpose. Of course I dye my hair. Unless you look great with gray hair every woman should budget for a great dye job. Thing is, they are always wiry and course. moving on.

My youngest daughter told me a friend of hers confided in her about a boy that has stressed her out and she is now cutting herself. I dont know this young girl but she is talking to her and encouraging her to talk to her mom. Oy! these kids.I will keep following up. I keep learning I can only help someone that wants help. Kids do such a good job of keeping silent about serious stuff...

I am going snowboarding at the end of the month.

My 16 year old is turning 17 on the 15th.

Gratitude, Smatitude

Im going to dig in on the grateful blog. I feel I am bursting with some intense feelings that need to be released.

I moved back into the home I have with the BF. This was planned a few months ago. The six months I lived away were good for me. They were good for us. Healing, growing and changing. We had a lot negative emotions to overcome. We had nothing to lose and laid it all out on the table. Life goes on. This man is my family. My rock. My expectations didnt help us. There are his things that didnt either. But I have learned one of the most important lessons. Forgiveness. I feel I have gained another chance to do things better. All these things are good.

My kids are embracing this move. Our family dynamic has changed again but it is under control in the boundaries we have set. Moving out showed me what I am capable of. It showed me my strengths. And being gone allowed me to do the work and see me for what I am and what I have.

On a sadder note, My girls have a few friends that they know and know of that have recently died. Young men. The idea of losing a child is such a painful thought. It brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart ache thinking about these kids and their parents. Really is a heart breaking time. And forcing me to realize our mortality and the many joys I dont always appreciate.

I hate to use cliches` but life is so short and every year I hear people say, where has the time gone? I hear my kids saying that now. Really and truly let go of the past and love now. It is all there is. Hug your kids. Say I love you often.

Miss my mom and family. I am now going on 2 years of not speaking to my younger brother. I so miss his family and him. It is sad that he doesnt want to let the past go. My older brother had a period of having his hours cut and has basically had a rough time catching back up. I have been sending some money to him here and there but feel unable to save the world or even my immediate family...

I truly am grateful for the love and life I have everyday. The people I surround myself with bring immense joy into my world. But I feel like there is very little I can do to help or save others. I crave to do this but dont know how or where to start. I have found that, like with any person you can help someone but you cant change someone. I have control issues with this. I want to do the good deed, get the thanks and hear "you made me see the light". That is pretty ridiculous to think I deserve this.

Lately, with watching the news, I am so saddened to see these sex scandals, affairs, bullying, homelessness and hungry people. How can we have hungry people?! I dont understand why I feel this burden right now. I wont sit and do nothing.

I have recently or at least over the last few years learned not to complain or feel that my kids and home are a burden. I do not wish the days away or hate my work. Having teens are hard and trying at times but goddamn I am so in love with my girls. Every so often I feel taken for granted and I freak out. I just want to feel loved in my world and after my freak out I find that I am doing and giving what feels right to me but still crave and miss the unconditional love and thanks either verbally or physically from those I give it to. I am learning not to have to trade all good deeds and appreciate the little things that I lovingly receive from those in my life. I guess I want to expand that and even though I want to be anonymous I want to give more as I know there is so much more in me that can make a difference.

I guess I have a new year of resolutions to consider. And another year to live and love.

All of it... is Rubbish.

Seems I have been bombarded with a lot of relationship issues of late.

A lot of my male clients are talking and telling me very depressing things. Things I have been through and heard of and seen in my world and the world around me. It is common. It is life. And it is not going to end by me writing this silly blog.

But it sucks to know of all these things. And of course I am a hypochondriac that has all these symptoms to this rare and incurable disease. Commitment.

I am a committment fool. I love being in a relationship. I have been in one since I was about 14. Well, I have been in several since then, but have had very little down time without a man. I like men. They are much easier to live with, dont talk as much, dont take your clothes or make-up or hair products. They just want to eat tasty food, have a few cocktails, use the remote and have their penis' touched. (and we all know about the penis's needs)

Why. WHY? Are so many people unsatisfied? In love and home life? I think we fall in love and get married and have a family and it is hard to have a family. And maybe even do these things for the wrong reasons.

I felt that way, the 'prove it, if you love me' way. What a mistake that would have been had they called my bluff. I have felt that way to even put a timeline on the big C and threatened the end of a relationship if it didnt go that way. Which makes no sense whatsoever. If you love someone you cant really stop just because there hasnt been a promise of "I Do"

I have been that woman that wanted to be married. Although it was long ago. And even before I was ever engaged the 1st time.... I have, by the grace of my own goddessness, realized that marriage is truly a state of mind. Or is it?

It is and and maybe it isn't. When people go through the ritual of getting married, the ceremony of a commitment, they have established a promise and worked through a big and often stressful event together. This can give an open view into how couples handle various things that wedding planning creates. I often think that any sort of wedding info should always start with, "Plan your marriage with as great of detail as you plan your wedding".

I have seen the unhappy relationships. With a few questions, it is easy to figure out why people become unhappy. My assumption would put about 98.9% at a communication breakdown. Over time creating serious resentment and a passive aggressive household.

My opinion is that we have either not learned how to speak in honest ways and/or learned to have discussions that solve issues.

There are things that are difficult to talk about. Money is one of them. It is very stressful when one or both partners have fears about money. That is a conversation that must be honestly brought to the table and worked out. New goals have to be set when changes happen. We are all going through changes right now.

Sex is another topic that is difficult when one person is not showing an interest in sex. We all know that men and women are different in so many ways. I think if the woman in not fulfilling her role in the bedroom, there is a reason. (it is usually the woman) Communicate. Ask questions. Listen. FIND a solution. Whether this discussion takes an hour or a month. Then work at it daily

Sadly, I dont know if I believe forever exists. I think it is possible. But very rare. So I will keep on communicating and asking for what I want and show my willingness to compromise and solve problems. It is a two way street.

I can do this.

I know I brag about my kids all the time. I also complain about how hard it can be.

Today I miss people being present. I miss the presence that family bring to everyone. I miss my sister and my brothers. I miss mom so much right now. It is difficult to be the sole provider and always expect and hope the I can pretend that I am doing this parent thing okay. It has been a rough couple days of grasping at straws acting like I have all the answers. Jesus. I don't. I crave the familiarness of family even if they are also crazy in their own way.

I have my side of the family in California and my girls dads family in Louisiana. We very rarely see any of them. When we were here in July visiting the old people, my daughter told me how much she loved it. I have fond memories of large family gatherings. I have never been able to show that to my girls over the years. Me and them.

I love the holidays. I hate them too.

Today I hate the holidays, but will never show those girls this inner struggle. I will push through and show them the massive love I have got them and remember that m ost of the time they are this way because of only me.

Typed from my phone and sorry about the typos

Why Yes, Please Change.

I've written several posts that I have not published. Lucky for you....

Change. I find it tis the season and I am glad for it. Only problem is I still dont flow with it. I control it.

I become doubtful, suspicious and, well, controlling. Why? Because I have been let down and I keep believing in something that I cant change. I dont accept what is and fight it. The let down is in me for still fucking doing this.

I long for that connection. The closeness. The trust. The tenderness. I seem to only get that when I am perfectly doing everything right. I have no room to error...

I realize I am holding on so tight to my past that it brings so much fear in to the now and I worry about the future. My future and my girls future. I worry so much that I can barely live in the present. I have to check myself and live.

I think the problem is me waiting for those around me to follow through and make those changes as well. And I am wanting to control that. Urge it along. Because that is what is good for me. I want this with another so bad that I sabotage the present good....

Bottom line is; all this BS fuels my past insecurities. Or maybe I am just in denial of what my gut is telling me.

I read somewhere that maybe it isn't about trying to fix what is broken, maybe it is about starting over and creating something new.

Maybe it is time.

Having Kids Doesn't Make You a Father.

This is my family. Olivia, 13. Haley 16. And me. This picture was taken August 2011.

August was officially the month I was divorced from their dad. That was in 2000. He has always made the choice to live away from us. In many cases, because that is where he found work. He always wanted to work hard to help support his kids. He never complained about child support. His job often had him working weekends.

So, living 1 to 3 hours away and working weekends caused him to be, more than not, a no show in their lives. Which has always been a let down for them.

I rarely complain about this. It is easier for "ME" for him to not be here. But being a parent isnt about me. My kids have virtually no relationship with him and havent since his move to Costa Rica, four years ago.

Here is where I am going to rant.

You might remember they went to see him in 2009 for the whole summer, 2 years ago. They all (him and the girls) resisted but I put my foot down and told him he needs to get to know them. He has never spent more than I week with them since I left and that is mostly sporadic and inconsistent at best. It was 20 months until the next time he saw them, becuase he "had to work" that was March 2011, TWENTY months later. Really? He was supposed to stay for 7 days but had to leave, for work, after 5. See where this is going?

Ok. here are the facts. He hasnt even paid child support since June 2009. (a little, here and there) But this isnt about that. It is that he Doesnt. See. His. Kids.

It is difficult to get him on the phone. (Costa Rica BS) When he says he will send money it is often 2 weeks later. His reason is the phones dont work the internet is down. blah, blah, blah... However he doesnt communicate with his kids. Not through the phone or email or facebook. When he was here in March 2011 he called his GF everyday. The kids saw this, yet hear him say, the phones dont work....

I emailed him and gave him their school schedule. Remarkably, he called me, full of excuses... (of course) Then finally called the girls. When they talk to him, he tells him about how hard he works and how the economy is bad for him, and that as soon as he can he wants to see them. (It has been * months to date) And then, He says "You guys should come here for Thanksgiving" Really? they have only 4 days off. Oh and they are, right now, on Fall break this week. Had he talked to them in say, July, he could have had them come to see him this week. My issue is he makes unreasonable plans that cannot be followed through. (my daughter lost her passport) 4 days is too short for them to go there and the cost of tickets and.....

When asking Haley about this, she said, the problem is is that he says it and then wont call back for another 3 months because he is too busy working or the phones dont work.... they know how it goes. I never say a word about it. I knew they would figure it out on their own.

We all have awesome kids. My girls are good people. My BF's friends, who dont have kids, enjoy being around my girls. They have good attitudes, they are funny, they like people and all around they are real people.

I never thought he would ever stop being a part of his kids lives. They have even said to me that if he is not making money there he might as well come here. At least he could be in our lives.... I mention that they should ask him to move here. You know what they say? We dont want to make him feel bad. So they take that sadness. I hope they never think that they did something to make him not want to be around.

It truly breaks my heart for them.

He may have fathered them, but Ian is acting, hands on, hugs and emoitional and financial support, homework, rides to the mall, lectures about boys, dinners, holidays, fix-it-guy... He doesnt even have kids of his own. But he is here making the sacrifices and I hope, this enriches all of their lives.