Friday, January 4, 2013
WHO THE FUc AM I NOW
I FEEL A TON OF GUILT THESE DAYS. I LACK MOTIVATION TO EVEN SHOWER. MUCH LESS SHOW UP AND WORK.I DONT FEEL BAD.i feel like i am a big let down now.sAny one that knows me knows i adore my family and would do anything for them. I JUST Don't feel joy or happiness maybe it is just pleasure i am not experiencing. i now feel like i am a burden to my family. like i bring nothing to the table. that feels very sad to me.sometimes tears just fall out of my eyes. and it is hard to share my feeling about why. to talk about it will just make me lose it. it id so hard to admit sadness. i don't want the pity tat follows it. or the false hopes that well-meaning people say. everthing will get better just give it time.I wou d like to hear i have no idea what you are going through. i think the rough part is, i mostly appear look and act normal for momo. ian says i am different in a positive way. i guess i used to be be a real bitch to him. circa nov 15th. i do not feel it on the inside.not that oi want to be normal i just want to feel a little familiar to me.. i would say i am at about 60%better. and 100% hopeful and positive. i just have never done this before. i know the well wishers mean well. and thank you to all of you.
i feel very loved. i just want to find that person to share this with that can help stir the motivation.I have so many feelings i want to express but my typing sucks and is so frustrating again lack of titivation Iwent to pt today and did a machine that i did the very first dsy i did pt and that first day i couldnt even keep my lefty hand around the handle it would slide off and i couldn't do it.but oday i could and remembered back and totally found some pride in it.. and a small sense of accomplishment.
/that feels foreign to me too.dependency i highly dislike .i am scared shitless now to ever have this happen again.