Friday, January 4, 2013

WHO THE FUc AM I NOW

THIS IS HOW I FEEL NOW IN MOST SOCIAL SITUATIONS.

I FEEL A TON OF GUILT THESE DAYS. I LACK MOTIVATION TO EVEN SHOWER. MUCH LESS SHOW UP AND WORK.I DONT FEEL BAD.i feel like i am a big let down now.sAny one that knows me knows i adore my family and would do anything for them. I JUST Don't feel joy or happiness maybe it is just pleasure i am not experiencing.  i now feel like i am a burden to my family. like i bring nothing to the table. that feels very sad to me.sometimes tears just fall out of my eyes. and it is hard to share my feeling about why. to talk about it will just make me lose it. it id so hard to admit sadness. i don't want the pity tat follows it. or the false hopes that well-meaning people say. everthing will get better just give it time.I wou d like to hear i have no idea what you are going through. i think the rough part is, i mostly appear look  and act normal for momo. ian says i am different in a positive way. i guess i used to be be a real bitch to him. circa nov 15th. i do not feel it on the inside.not that oi want to be normal i just want to feel a little familiar to me.. i would say i am at about 60%better. and 100% hopeful and positive. i just have never done this before. i know the well wishers mean well. and thank you to all of you.
i feel very loved. i just want to find that person to share this with that can help stir the motivation.I have so many feelings i want to express but my typing sucks  and is so frustrating  again lack of titivation Iwent to pt today and did a machine that i did the very first dsy i did pt and that first day i couldnt even keep my lefty hand around the handle it would slide off and i couldn't do it.but oday i could and remembered back and totally found some pride in it..  and a small sense of accomplishment.


/that feels foreign to me too.dependency i highly dislike .i am scared shitless now to ever have this happen again.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm sending you so much giant love. I can't imagine what you're going through. Have you ever heard of or read Jill Bolte-Taylor? She is a brain doctor who had a stroke and then wrote a book about it. Her insights and awareness of it are pretty fascinating. Maybe the book would help?

Here's a link: http://www.amazon.com/My-Stroke-Insight-Scientists-Personal/dp/0452295548/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1357408598&sr=1-1&keywords=jill+bolte+taylor

NicePeace said...

t, i have this book as well as a book by deepok chopra called super brain. both are fabulous

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

Hey Mo! I just can't even begin to imagine what this might be like for you... much love as always from your biggest East Coast fan... and, by the way? I think your new typing skills ROCK.

XOXOXOXO

Six.

Mandy_Fish said...

I have no idea what this might be like for you. Sounds scary as hell. But I do have to tell you, I can see improvement in your writing each and every time you post. Maybe you can't see it, but you are improving by leaps and bounds each and every day. Hang in there. We are all rooting for you.

NicePeace said...

thanks t for the love and hugs to you six.
typing ids dreadful for me but i will never give up.
mandy everyday improves me. i just want the switch to flip and boom it's me again. i fricking sucks thi new mind. but i am funvctioning.on;y slighlydisabled. but my lable is challenged with improvement on the wayhapy new year to you all