Wednesday, September 19, 2012
That is my goal by the end of this post. ^
Right now I am very much NOT in a good place. And I need to release this to move forward.
I want to delete, erase and disappear from the people in my life. (not my kids, geeze, my teens are easier than the world for me)
You know what? I'm pissed right now. I am not looking for praise or a back pat for anything I have ever done for any one else. But I am really sick and tired and going the distance and taking a bunch of shit because of it. I need to retract and reconsider where I put my energy and hard work.
Burning Man: I wrote a very different post about Burning Man this year. Obviously I knew it would be quite different. I was ready and excited about that. And BM was good. I am just having a hard time processing what I went through when I returned. You say: let it go, be present find the good.. I am trying. I am always trying. I, in fact I am trying harder than ever to find the positive.
Truth: cold, hard, ugly truth.... let's see.
It is only one little thing and I am holding on as tight as I can to it. I am refusing to make excuses for it ....again. And I am hurt and so very disappointed. I wrote a post in early June. Gave me the same feeling and it is about the same thing. I am not going to sugar coat it nor say it is okay this time. My intuition is dead on. I will not deny that just to make someone comfortable. But to me it went down like this:
We got home and the BF was down right mean to my girls. He ignored them gave them dirty looks when they talked to me and was rude and arrogant towards them. Why? Because I take care of them. I make their doctor appts, I remind them to do chores, I give them money. Sounds like a normal mom? Yeah, I think so, But they should be able to call and make their own appts. They shouldn't need to be reminded to clean the kitchen and they barely do any work, they don't need money. I am not saying that in some ways he is wrong. They should clean up after them selves after making food. Yes. I dont need to tell them that. But sometimes I do, and he thinks I should punish them. Here is what I say." Hey liv, you left your dishes in the sink, clean up after yourself"." Ok mom". Done.. No he wants me to PUNISH them.
Personally I have no desire to nag and bitch at him or my kids. Anyhow, he was pissed that these few things were happening in front of him and nothing was satisfying him so he got pissed by treating them terribly. He ignored them and when they spoke to him he looked at them with disgust. They felt it. And he knew it. I immediately told him that whatever his problem was they didn't deserve his shitty attitude. I ask him what they did to him and he told me it was because of what I do. I am not teaching them anything. I am pissed that he justified treating an innocent kid that way. Not cool. At all.
I feel blindsided and hurt by one of the lowest things he could ever do to me. Hurt my kids. The thing is, they felt it, but they didnt care like I do. I lost trust and faith in him again. I dont know how to let go of this. I feel chaotic and unsettled because of it.
Returning from BM I had the most joyous feeling towards him, and that is how he felt towards me.
And I cannot shake this negativity even though it is no longer going on. Yeah great. But why? WHY?
My trip to BM was never about me. It was about him. I knew that by taking an art car. I am not saying that is a bad thing but I gave up what I wanted to support his goal. I am not looking for a "Good job, Mo" I want just to be understood that I did my best to watch him bask in his glory and asked for very little. My days were filled with his time frame, schedule and desires. My needs were not filled quite so eagerly. I felt bad to ask for some quiet time. It didnt make him happy and I wanted him happy. This is not his fault, it is mine.
Now looking back, as unfair as it is to say, I feel somewhat robbed of my own experience. Not that what I did was not fulfilling, it just wasnt mine.
I am now trying to find acceptance in all of this.
“When your actions are motivated by love, you expend least effort and your energy multiplies, allowing you to create anything you want, with a spirit of play and joy. When you seek power and control over others, you waste energy chasing the illusion of happiness.” ~Deepak Chopra
The above..... I know this and I am trying to get there. But I am not there. Once I get there I know this chaos will slip away. My problem is that I have a hard time not having walls up. And I am so fucking tired of these walls.
And now I will let it flow. I will not force it to be gone but will release it. I am looking for the good in my relationship with him. i just wish that was my reality.