Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Bitch -Off

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. 
Lao Tzu 


That is my goal by the end of this post. ^

Right now I am very much NOT in a good place. And I need to release this to move forward.

I want to delete, erase and disappear from the people in my life. (not my kids, geeze, my teens are easier than the world for me)

You know what? I'm pissed right now. I am not looking for praise or a back pat for anything I have ever done for any one else. But I am really sick and tired and going the distance and taking a bunch of shit because of it. I need to retract and reconsider where I put my energy and hard work.

Burning Man: I wrote a very different post about Burning Man this year. Obviously I knew it would be quite different. I was ready and excited about that. And BM was good. I am just having a hard time processing what I went through when I returned.  You say: let it go, be present find the good.. I am trying. I am always trying. I, in fact I am trying harder than ever to find the positive.

Truth: cold, hard, ugly truth.... let's see.

It is only one little thing and I am holding on as tight as I can to it. I am refusing to make excuses for it ....again. And I am hurt and so very disappointed. I wrote a post in early June. Gave me the same feeling and it is about the same thing. I am not going to sugar coat it nor say it is okay this time. My intuition is dead on. I will not deny that just to make someone comfortable.  But to me it went down like this:

We got home and the BF was down right mean to my girls. He ignored them gave them dirty looks when they talked to me and was rude and arrogant towards them. Why? Because I take care of them. I make their doctor appts, I remind them to do chores, I give them money. Sounds like a normal mom? Yeah, I think so, But they should be able to call and make their own appts. They shouldn't need to be reminded to clean the kitchen and they barely do any work, they don't need money. I am not saying that in some ways he is wrong. They should clean up after them selves after making food. Yes. I dont need to tell them that. But sometimes I do, and he thinks I should punish them. Here is what I say." Hey liv, you left your dishes in the sink, clean up after yourself"." Ok mom". Done..  No he wants me to PUNISH them.

Personally I have no desire to nag and bitch at him or my kids. Anyhow, he was pissed that these few things were happening in front of him and nothing was satisfying him so he got pissed by treating them terribly. He ignored them and when they spoke to him he looked at them with disgust. They felt it. And he knew it. I immediately told him that whatever his problem was they didn't deserve his shitty attitude. I ask him what they did to him and he told me it was because of what I do. I am not teaching them anything. I am pissed that he justified treating an innocent kid that way. Not cool. At all.

I feel blindsided and hurt by one of the lowest things he could ever do to me. Hurt my kids. The thing is, they felt it, but they didnt care like I do. I lost trust and faith in him again. I dont know how to let go of this. I feel chaotic and unsettled because of it.

Returning from BM I had the most joyous feeling towards him, and that is how he felt towards me.
And I cannot shake this negativity even though it is no longer going on. Yeah great. But why? WHY?

My trip to BM was never about me. It was about him. I knew that by taking an art car. I am not saying that is a bad thing but I gave up what I wanted to support his goal. I am not looking for a "Good job, Mo"  I want just to be understood that I did my best to watch him bask in his glory and asked for very little. My days were filled with his time frame, schedule and desires. My needs were not filled quite so eagerly. I felt bad to ask for some quiet time. It didnt make him happy and I wanted him happy. This is not his fault, it is mine.

Now looking back, as unfair as it is to say, I feel somewhat robbed of my own experience. Not that what I did was not fulfilling, it just wasnt mine.

I am now trying to find acceptance in all of this.

“When your actions are motivated by love, you expend least effort and your energy multiplies, allowing you to create anything you want, with a spirit of play and joy. When you seek power and control over others, you waste energy chasing the illusion of happiness.” ~Deepak Chopra

The above..... I know this and I am trying to get there. But I am not there. Once I get there I know this chaos will slip away. My problem is that I have a hard time not having walls up. And I am so fucking tired of these walls.

And now I will let it flow. I will not force it to be gone but will release it. I am looking for the good in my relationship with  him. i just wish that was my reality.



7 comments:

Red Shoes said...

Hmmm...

I've learned this lesson at this point in my Life... as much as one loves another, make time for yourself.

A friend went to Burning Man and she wanted me to go with her. I was trying to recover from sinus surgery and just didn't feel up to the task.

I am sorry this guy was mean to your girls. Your girls need you and your support.

*shrugs*

I would love to read about your Burning Man experience from your stand point.

Tell me what I missed by not going.

~shoes~

NicePeace said...

@Red- When I get to that place I will tell you about Burning Man.

Thanks for that encouragement. Letting go takes time for me.

Red Shoes said...

Letting go does take time...

but...

don't stop living in the meantime.

Take care of yourself.

~shoes~

Grrr... I wish I could read the word verification better!!!

Memphis Steve said...

I'm no relationship expert, by any means, but one thing I do know is this: never shit on the kids of the one you love. Never put that person in a position of having to choose you or their kids. I know this isn't terribly deep or insightful, but it's true. I'm sorry that this is what you came home too. I've had several experiences of driving hundreds of miles to be with someone who is supposed to care about me, only to have them shit on my personally. I know the feeling of disappointment. I wish I had something more helpful to say.

Memphis Steve said...

OK, I don't know what's up with my spelling lately. I sound retarded with the strategically misspelled words there. 'too' and 'my personally' - sorry about that

Anonymous said...

The pain you feel comes from the death of hope. Reading past posts, it seems you keep hoping for a diffrent outcome to the relationship. It may not happen because of who he is, and who you are. Teenagers cannot make their own doctor's appointments. Laundry yes dishes yes. Punishment, what did he want you to do send them to bed without dinner? I know, make them spend quality time with him. Your only job is to protect your kids, from ANYONE who treats them bad. Especially a bf.
Giving up your experience @BM for him was very generous of you. A little reciprocation is always nice. put your hand on your back and pat it for me please!
Best of luck to you all.

NicePeace said...

Nude Steve Memphis - I hate that. I am sorry that you go through it. Seems like a long sad relationship. The confusing thing for me is that it is so good or not so good. This came out of nowhere but maybe it didn't. When you hold in desires festering resentments are bound to explode. It is unfair to me. I truly feel I am a reasonable person. Talk to me, but don't attack. Seems so simple. I am told I resist and perhaps I do. The truth is, for me lack of balance. So I tend to be defensive and closed off. There is more to it than what I am going to post here.... hope you are well.

A-non- How many deaths can one die? At the end of the day the BF is not a monster. I just don't get where that extreme way of treating me or them comes from. Clearly is is resentment and frustration.

Thanks for the pat on the back. I am not looking for recognition. Just to be understood.

Peace.