Saturday, June 16, 2012
Happy Father's Day. I was thinking about my dad this past week. I haven't seen him since July 23, 1988. He was 47 when he died. I was 21. Sadly, it is difficult to remember his voice. We didn't have a strong relationship but it was in no way strained. I was a wild teen and living life on my terms. I didn't share much of my life with my parents at that time. I was into my friends and BF and partying.
My dad, Roger, died of a massive heart attack. It was a Sunday and I got a call from my mom while she was doing CPR on him. I arrived just after the paramedics did and was greeted at the door by her. She knew he was gone. We went to hospital, where they pronounced him dead.
My sister and bothers where all gone for the weekend, due back any time. I had to track them all down and I told them what had happened. (Pre-cell phones) It all was very surreal.
I missed my dad for many long years. Who would walk me down the aisle? Who would my babies call papa? Would my mom be alone? Tough times they were for us all.
Not growing up close to my dad left me trying to figure out many things on my own, the hard way. I suppose that gave me more than my share of life experiences and lessons. We always lived away from family so I never really had grandparents in my life either. You see, my dad was an alcoholic until I was 11 and after he quit drinking was kinda just emotionally unavailable. He probably didnt know what to do with me as a teen. I have no blame or animosity. I have done my therapy and released those demons long ago. I firmly believe that you can't teach what you didn't learn. My dad was raised by alcoholics, I'm pretty sure that is why we rarely saw his parents.
I all these questions I had for him that I would love to find out now. I must say the years after my father's death I have been fortunate enough to have had other father figures in my life. Usually they were the dad of a man I was involved in. I also got lucky enough that my mother remarried a very down to earth man that I called my step dad, and still do for the last 18 years or so. I named my daughter Olivia Lee after him.
The family that my BF has is a real blessing in my life today. They have always been overly loving to me and my girls. They live 2000 miles away so we don't get to have a lot of family time with them, holidays, Sunday dinners, BBq's. I know I would love that and know my kids would too.
I guess father's day is about Family Day. So happy family day to all of you missing your dad, appreciating your own children, being a father, having lost a child and embracing the love of a child. Be the best you. It is impacting someone. Leave your legacy of how you want to be remembered and become that person.
Make today count you'll never get it back.