Gratitude, Smatitude

Im going to dig in on the grateful blog. I feel I am bursting with some intense feelings that need to be released.

I moved back into the home I have with the BF. This was planned a few months ago. The six months I lived away were good for me. They were good for us. Healing, growing and changing. We had a lot negative emotions to overcome. We had nothing to lose and laid it all out on the table. Life goes on. This man is my family. My rock. My expectations didnt help us. There are his things that didnt either. But I have learned one of the most important lessons. Forgiveness. I feel I have gained another chance to do things better. All these things are good.

My kids are embracing this move. Our family dynamic has changed again but it is under control in the boundaries we have set. Moving out showed me what I am capable of. It showed me my strengths. And being gone allowed me to do the work and see me for what I am and what I have.

On a sadder note, My girls have a few friends that they know and know of that have recently died. Young men. The idea of losing a child is such a painful thought. It brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart ache thinking about these kids and their parents. Really is a heart breaking time. And forcing me to realize our mortality and the many joys I dont always appreciate.

I hate to use cliches` but life is so short and every year I hear people say, where has the time gone? I hear my kids saying that now. Really and truly let go of the past and love now. It is all there is. Hug your kids. Say I love you often.

Miss my mom and family. I am now going on 2 years of not speaking to my younger brother. I so miss his family and him. It is sad that he doesnt want to let the past go. My older brother had a period of having his hours cut and has basically had a rough time catching back up. I have been sending some money to him here and there but feel unable to save the world or even my immediate family...

I truly am grateful for the love and life I have everyday. The people I surround myself with bring immense joy into my world. But I feel like there is very little I can do to help or save others. I crave to do this but dont know how or where to start. I have found that, like with any person you can help someone but you cant change someone. I have control issues with this. I want to do the good deed, get the thanks and hear "you made me see the light". That is pretty ridiculous to think I deserve this.

Lately, with watching the news, I am so saddened to see these sex scandals, affairs, bullying, homelessness and hungry people. How can we have hungry people?! I dont understand why I feel this burden right now. I wont sit and do nothing.

I have recently or at least over the last few years learned not to complain or feel that my kids and home are a burden. I do not wish the days away or hate my work. Having teens are hard and trying at times but goddamn I am so in love with my girls. Every so often I feel taken for granted and I freak out. I just want to feel loved in my world and after my freak out I find that I am doing and giving what feels right to me but still crave and miss the unconditional love and thanks either verbally or physically from those I give it to. I am learning not to have to trade all good deeds and appreciate the little things that I lovingly receive from those in my life. I guess I want to expand that and even though I want to be anonymous I want to give more as I know there is so much more in me that can make a difference.

I guess I have a new year of resolutions to consider. And another year to live and love.