Saturday, July 23, 2011

Organ Meat

I probably come to this page once a week. "New Post" and I sit and stare at it. And wonder what I have to say. Then I type type-y about ten different things. And click "X" and go on.

There are tons of things going on right now. No drama about any one event so I guess nothing needs to be talked out. I have been focusing on being grateful for the good I have and trying to change my common blame when things aren't so happy.

For some time now there is a number that is in my life everywhere I turn. 44. I see that number everywhere. I see it most when life is most challenging. I must say that this has been a rather life changing year for me. In so many forms.

I moved a few months ago after a much need separation from the BF. However that turned into us living apart. At first it was very unwelcome. I fought it like I do when I cant control something. Then I let it go. And found peace. and found me. I took and I am taking the time to relearn how to be in a relationship. It is an impossible task. You cant relearn it. You have to change. And all change is- is growth. and I am growing. but that isnt a big deal. I have always grown and will continue.

I find that I want to label this life and organize it so it fits. And as much as I have grown I have also held on in fear. Fuck fear. I am still paddling upstream. I read an eye opening book about detaching. Not to let go of responsibility but to let go of expectations. I have the hardest time with that.

I am alone here. I am solely responsible for raising 2 young women that will be well adjusted and contributing in society. 2 women who have compassion, passion, common sense, an open mind yet a strong sense of self. But ... I am not practicing to always be a good role model. Sometimes I want to be an adult and make choices that allow me to experience life. But I have people looking at me. Life is for living and I am not without doing what I want. I am quite blessed with the free time I have as a single parent.... (this is where I would delete the whole post)

ADD kicked in. New subject.

I am here to unload. That is what this blog is about. But I am so tired of my tired story. So new info. I had two surgeries this last week. I had some major dental work done and had breast surgery. Yes both elective, but both HAD to be done. I thought I recovery period would do. It had come down to health and I have been healing all week. I will be off the next week as well. My work is too physical to return to. I have been super bored and cannot even look at the TV for another second. I am tired of FaceBook. I am bored with Twitter. My procedures were Monday and Tuesday and by Wednesday holy crap, get me outta here.

ADD again....

Limbo. I cant exercise for another 2 weeks. As infrequently as my workouts are, I miss them. It might just be the rebel in me being told 'no'. I like my options open. For the next few months my diet is restricted as well. Being totally an able bodied woman, it is not an easy change for me. But I am prepared for it. Except I seem to be complaining about it now. Reality is, I am grateful I was able to get the support I needed to deal with these issues. I am grateful that I could financially prepare for the time off and pay for what I needed to. I am thankful that my kids understood and helped and are helping me. Asking for help does not come easy for me. The BF was essential in getting me through the last 4 days.

I need a goal. Something to aspire to. A race, a savings, a trip. something to look forward to. I have a few things coming up. I was excited about them but now they seem like obligations. And stress.

This too shall pass.


Wow, that was awkward said...

You should be excited that I read your crap and leave comments. You can look forward to getting the next one. Problem solved!

NicePeace said...

The excitement leaves me speechless.

Kimmie said...

My, Brett is certainly one for raising spirits. I am still profoundly emotional and teary eyed.

There is something so strong and willing inside of you my dear that I admire. Over the years I have watched you face the ups and downs with so much courage. You are divine!