Saturday, July 23, 2011
I probably come to this page once a week. "New Post" and I sit and stare at it. And wonder what I have to say. Then I type type-y about ten different things. And click "X" and go on.
There are tons of things going on right now. No drama about any one event so I guess nothing needs to be talked out. I have been focusing on being grateful for the good I have and trying to change my common blame when things aren't so happy.
For some time now there is a number that is in my life everywhere I turn. 44. I see that number everywhere. I see it most when life is most challenging. I must say that this has been a rather life changing year for me. In so many forms.
I moved a few months ago after a much need separation from the BF. However that turned into us living apart. At first it was very unwelcome. I fought it like I do when I cant control something. Then I let it go. And found peace. and found me. I took and I am taking the time to relearn how to be in a relationship. It is an impossible task. You cant relearn it. You have to change. And all change is- is growth. and I am growing. but that isnt a big deal. I have always grown and will continue.
I find that I want to label this life and organize it so it fits. And as much as I have grown I have also held on in fear. Fuck fear. I am still paddling upstream. I read an eye opening book about detaching. Not to let go of responsibility but to let go of expectations. I have the hardest time with that.
I am alone here. I am solely responsible for raising 2 young women that will be well adjusted and contributing in society. 2 women who have compassion, passion, common sense, an open mind yet a strong sense of self. But ... I am not practicing to always be a good role model. Sometimes I want to be an adult and make choices that allow me to experience life. But I have people looking at me. Life is for living and I am not without doing what I want. I am quite blessed with the free time I have as a single parent.... (this is where I would delete the whole post)
ADD kicked in. New subject.
I am here to unload. That is what this blog is about. But I am so tired of my tired story. So new info. I had two surgeries this last week. I had some major dental work done and had breast surgery. Yes both elective, but both HAD to be done. I thought I recovery period would do. It had come down to health and I have been healing all week. I will be off the next week as well. My work is too physical to return to. I have been super bored and cannot even look at the TV for another second. I am tired of FaceBook. I am bored with Twitter. My procedures were Monday and Tuesday and by Wednesday holy crap, get me outta here.
Limbo. I cant exercise for another 2 weeks. As infrequently as my workouts are, I miss them. It might just be the rebel in me being told 'no'. I like my options open. For the next few months my diet is restricted as well. Being totally an able bodied woman, it is not an easy change for me. But I am prepared for it. Except I seem to be complaining about it now. Reality is, I am grateful I was able to get the support I needed to deal with these issues. I am grateful that I could financially prepare for the time off and pay for what I needed to. I am thankful that my kids understood and helped and are helping me. Asking for help does not come easy for me. The BF was essential in getting me through the last 4 days.
I need a goal. Something to aspire to. A race, a savings, a trip. something to look forward to. I have a few things coming up. I was excited about them but now they seem like obligations. And stress.
This too shall pass.