Selfish Ex

The ex doesn't see or talk to our kids. By choice. His. He has lived in Costa Rica for almost 3 years. He no longer pays child support and who knows why. I am a fulltime mom to two beautiful and fun and mouthy teens. It isn't a big deal doing it all alone. And yet it is. I have the bf here and there are times I don't know what I would have done without him. Althought we rarely see eye to eye I give him credit for being her and being involved, even if I don't always like it.

I find myself getting increasingly more frustrated with the ex. Some times it is for selfish reasons. Right now it is for selfish reasons. The ex hasn't seen his kids since July 29 2009. But he could. They miss him. And they need him. And some times I need him to be the father they need. Some days I need a break to become refreshed to dive back in because I have had a break. That is supposed to be a perk in divorce.. no break, no perk. The bf seems to think I should do less for them so they will be better people. And he often makes sure I know what he thinks I should do better. It is all so hard today.

I don't have any family support emotional or otherwise. And I am tired. I want to escape and do something daring and unexpected. And just run free to another country where I am forced to learn about something and live. I am not living. My obligations are running the show. I wish my kids understood. I wish they were game to take off with me and take a break from everything we know. They aren't. Maybe I don't have the balls either.

I need a new happy place.