Whine One Won

I have a shit load of blogs I have started and I am boring myself so I just stop. Like now I just want to delete this and go back to facebook or eat a chocolate covered strawberry.

I have been working a lot. And I have a teen that is about to make me crazy. She is so sweet but she is a little on the coo coo and forgettable side. Maybe she is just lazy. The other teen is sooo moody and I get to the point of tired that I dont want to deal with it. It is even so bad that there are times I dont want to come home.

Then I do come home and it is fine and I say, and I quote, "Mo, you have a good thing and life is pretty great, pick yourself up, these girls are all you have and they need you too." I never really said that but it is a fact in the feeling.

I have been slowly doing better with the BF. In many ways I just dont care like I used to. The exhausting battle has taken its toll and I am trying not to have expectations. Every time I do have one there is a let down and the madness begins. So my place with this is letting go while just being and living. It is better but almost shallow. I think with the history we have with each other we are very close to a walk out but trying not to.

In a lot of ways, letting go of bad habits is putting me in a limbo. I dont see any part of my future other than just today. I am typically a planner. But all this fighting has made me white flag this life right now and just sit with me. I struggle with that because I dont let any one in anymore. There is no one I share my dreams or sorrows or fears or hopes with. The moment I begin, I stop and decide there is not one person in my corner....


whatever.