Stop Kicking Me Off My Pedestal

I didn't read the book Eat, Pray, Love. I had never heard about it until the movie came out. I guess this is a downfall for not watching Oprah and learning about all the girl must-do's that are out there. It's not that I dont like Oprah, I just dont like how awesome SHE thinks she is. So I guess if she didn't talk much I would watch the show but I dont even know if it's on.

Yes this will be another blog about That movie and yet not. I am not a big Julia Roberts fan. She's okay. But I actually liked her in the movie. I wouldn't have seen the movie had I read the book because we all know that you can never capture the true feelings and message that a well written book gives you. Watching the movie, I could see that they threw in things that were relevant had you read it but could have been confusing and unnecessary for the movie. Im not going into it here, so I will now attempt to read it and see for myself. blah blah blah.

I need to get a big escape, soul searching, and mighty attitude adjustment in. One week will never cut it, it really takes an amazing amount of time to establish real embedded habits and mind set. I imagine I wasnt alone when I went home and wondered why are we not living in this life? Why is our net worth more important than our self worth? Why do we commit so much time to working? I know the obvious reasons but wow is this it? A weeks vacation at the end a long year of earning money. Some how it all feels wrong. Yes I understand this reality, but why have we been lead in this way that makes so many people miserable?

I am always questioning my love now. The love I give and the love I get. I deserve to be loved and put on the highest pedestal. I deserve to be adored and cherished and applauded and respected and taken care of. Why? Because that is what I give. However, I am not receiving these things. Not in the way it looks to me. Ahhh control... humpht.

I really believe every relationship shapes us. In a huge and not always lovely way. There are times I want to run from this one and hide and say what the hell was I thinking. I know it is mutual at times. I do believe in soul mates, I just dont think that any of my lovers have ever been my soul mates. People come and go and have shown me profound things about myself. My soul mates are constantly entering and leaving my life exposing my very soul to me at different times, reminding me about my path.

I question this place I am in now and have for pretty much 5 years. Yet, here I am. Not blissful, not miserable. Just neutral. I am learning that I need to be here. For me. And I want to be here. Maybe in some way I am discovering how NOT to be and while I desire certain things, I too am learning how to get what I really need and want in life and I realize now that there is nothing good or bad about where I am. I am actually content to be here and grow and change and discover myself. I get bored and want to soar away and marvel at the world and find the beauty among me. But I believe that I am seeing the true beauty within me because of this place I chose to be. I can also leave at anytime.

I have learned to be independent, I have learned to focus, to be patient to be fearless, to ask for help, to admit my faults, to let go, to look inside, to give and not take, to share, and to love me and just be me. I am not afraid of the outcome of my life and working on letting go and the showing more of the tolerance I need to have. I have learned I still have a lot to learn.

My lessons have been painful for me this last year. While I accept what is I know that this too shall pass and that I will always survive. I have me.

So this movie I saw made me think about my now. Not about what I need to do or be or say. It made me look at the steps I am taking and gave me something to explore within. It reminded me of the sadness that is present in me and that I will surrender all of it to my god and ask for help when I need it, It reminded me to show up in life and love a little more and forgive myself for not being who i think everyone thinks I should be and hold a space for those I love and miss and then be my best, for just today, right now. Because right now is all I can be. I wont worry about tomorrow.

I'm hungry now.