I guess it is me

I stopped blogging. I started doing it for the therapy that i felt i needed. Turns out I need more then a blog. I met some people here and enjoyed the "relating". My personal life became public to the few readers that are/were following. To me, blogging was a way to let out my demons, my fears, my secrets that burst at the seams at times. I needed to hide again, hide from me and my pain of loss and failure.

It is my bitch blog, full of sarcasm, pain and hate. Here for me to heal with. And maybe even grow from. Finally, I might even set my soul free.

Here it is. All in one, the bitching, the sarcasm the pain and hate. Maybe the healing can follow now and I can grow and move on from here. Maybe not.

I lost someone last year. Im not sure exactly why, but they are gone from my life. I tried to reach out and received nothing indicating anything repairable. No words. Silence. It must be true that people come into our lives for a reason. I miss this person, but I am okay with it, now. I hope you have peace. The End.

I cant seem to move forward from the past. In my own mind I thought I was pretty good at doing my relationship, being a mother, and being able to give and get forgiveness. I cant let go of something. That something is just me. It's making me run and hide and build those walls that keep my life in the chaos I have always deserved. I dont feel safe to be who my heart is seeking to release. I guess I have yet to earn respect from the people I tried so hard to keep happy and make their life easier and a better place.

I seem to fail regularly at this. It leaves me believing that relationships are disposable and only for self convenience. Get close and get hurt. These blocks are getting lighter everyday. This wall is going up easier than it will ever come down again.

Change is going to come, it always does. I welcome it as much as I dread it. Although this time it doesnt matter what the outcome is. I feel pessimism and if that isnt present then i only feel numbness. I tried so hard to be different but it wasnt the different someone else wanted. When you learn how miserable you make someone it is a truth that crushes the soul and and distances the heart.

Im at my five year mark for drastic change. I dont know what that change will bring, but I have enough armor around me to move freely and blankly right through it. Maybe it can be repaired, but i am lost in trying to start over no matter how much i want to. I am not afraid to lose what i never was given. I begged for everything i have. I wish i could have heard those words that said, Im sorry I hurt you all those years. But those are words I have to speak only to be resented for years on end.

There's just too much that time cannot erase.

Im on a 30 day recovery plan. Detoxing and purging the hate, bandaging the heart. Recovering the soul. I will not apologize for my past ever again.