Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Is it in?

I was talking to a newly single friend today and she told me how she met a guy but wasn't sure if she was going to see him again.... This could mean anything so I asked about him and why. What I learned made me laugh in a blow liquid out f my nose guffaw kinda way.

They met on St Patty's day and had a drunin boozy kinda time. They met for lunch one day and went mattress shopping with another friend and had that side splitting"OMG! Stop! It hurts to laugh any more!" day out together.

I asked her, "So what happened? And as a matter fact she she told me that he snored so loud she didn't know how he could sleep and that guy hawked a loogie while in her bathroom in the morning. She heard it.

"So you slept with him?" I knew.

"That was before the loogie" She sighed.

This made me laugh loud and squeal happily. My friends are great sluts, in the good way that men score and have lots of sex just because the planets are aligned. I dont think I have ever heard of the loogie to be the deal breaker though.

I once dated a guy that I thought was so awesome and funny and charming and I wanted to give him all my goodness and rub it all over his goodness. I couldn't wait to get him alone and cry out for baby Jesus. And he wanted it too. The problem was he had The.Smallest.Cock.Ever. I, I , I didnt know what to do and I felt wrong and I was so.... disappointed and it was soOOOO small. What am I supposed to do with that baby Jesus moment and how am I supposed to hide my shock?

I'll tell you how. You just do. So I did. And...well... I seriously was so ready to go all night with this one, I had been giddy with excitement about the act, the smell, the taste, the sounds and I was hot and ready for it. Yeah, well he was too and as soon as it was 'in' (is it in?) it was over! Two pump chump! NOOOOOOO!! it couldn't be! Blew it all over and then.... nothing, I couldnt even try again, left it alone and went to sleep. No oral, no bang, no goodness for me.

Thank God I never listened to my mother and waited until I was married! Even a virgin would know that she was getting gyped!

The topper was, he snored and that guy could saw some serious thick forest. I must say it was one of the most anticipated worst nights of my life. I would have taken the loogie over any of that.

What do you think is a deal breaker? What's the turn-off, the no way, the what was I thinking that you and your friends and their friends told all of their friends and laughed at about for years?


Cunning_Linguist said...

Leaves me out.... I'm hung like an elevator button.

But I can make sure the bottom of your glass is clean without using a straw, does that count? :P

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

CL: I hope it's at least a button in braile... but what about the first time you were with someone and it was just a mess for you? you dont have to have a wee one for that!

Cunning_Linguist said...

I always have a fake phallus nearby just incase. So far nobody has ever caught on. I tell you what, I do an aesome fake O. Meg Ryan in that scene ain't got nuttin on 'ol Uncle Cunning. No ma'am. I give you your money's worth. :D

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

CL: LOL! Can I man really fake it? And the chowda? And what about the semi boner?

Cunning_Linguist said...

This is why I tend to go doggy style. I'll pull out and then throw a cup of country gravy on your back when ya aren't expecting it.

whileshedreams said...

"Thank God I never listened to my mother and waited until I was married!"

HAHA i love it because I have thought the same thing to myself many a time!

bad sex is definitely a dealbreaker for me. well, i mean sex can always get better, so i'll give it a three-strikes-you're-out chance just to be sure first. but if the guy is too too small or has no clue how to make it good for me too... good luck to him! lol ;)

smoking or chewing are both big deal breakers for me. i don't want to kiss an ashtray. hmm what else.. well usually height was a deal breaker for me (: it still is trev is probably the only exception i'll ever make, haha. i really don't enjoy feeling like a giant next to my man! and just general stupidity... if he's cute until he opens his mouth, chances are i won't be able to put up with him for long.

T said...

Oh my goodness... the small penis and then two pumps?!? Oh girl... that's awful.

All that anticipation for nothing.

Heh... I'm enjoying the Cunning Linguist. But how could I not?

Compulsively Yours...for now said...

i asked a dude "when are you gonna put it in?" and he said it was, i being a nice lady and sweet gentle soul said "what the fuxskdf ever"

that was my cum to baby jesus moment. meaning no one was cummming and the baby jesus was laughing at dudes little package.

Compulsively Yours...for now said...

wait....is it me or him. is sex with me like throwing a 2x4 down a hallway? am i the hallway? is it me, am i a loose gash? omg someone tell me!!!

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

CL: Sausage Gravy is creamier and chunky and .... well sausage, ya know.

Dreamy Poo: Smoking is gross. I wouldn't even entertain the idea of the mating dance with a smoker. It's true you can learn to be good in bed, but you cant fix the micro phallus or dumb guys. nope.

T: Seriously, how could you not enjoy CL? That guy is Awesome, havent you heard? He'll even tell ya :D

CY...fn: Woman, I bet Jesus had a big one but tell me that you didnt want to slap that guy for a small package. Unless you have a huge vagina.... no pictures, please

Compulsively Yours...for now said...

well, i didnt slap him, but i may have laughed out loud. maybe.

well, i am so sorry that i dont want a baby penis. is it so freaking wrong.

ditto abouts the jesus and his appendage. bet he was packin so googlie goodness. oh baby...

Indigo said...

size doesn't matter its all to do with WHAT you do with it that counts!!

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

Indigo: Typically I would agree with you and the "how to use it" This was, however, a bit on the extremely small side, like a very young child, a toddler, I'm not even kidding. And this one didn't know how to use it,

All kidding aside, I was very sad for him because it truly was a little dick....

Compulsively Yours...for now said...

hey i sent you a ball from jesus, i kept the other one, but a ball of love it is.

enjoy your ball and dont suck all the cream filling out first! savor your ball.