Friday, January 9, 2009

Do you want me to tell your dad?

My daughter tried out for volleyball today. Sports are good for girls and volley ball is a fun sport.
Before her try out though, she had to get a physical at the clinic. I took her before school. Since we got there about 10 minutes before it opened we had time to talk and go over the paper she had to use and other facts in her life..

She had to have the usual things checked, vitals, vision, weight height. She got to the part where it said genitalia/hernia. Since teens are all about exclaiming everything in their life she promptly lets out a “OMG! What does this mean?!?”

I retort with a some crack about “They have to check everything, even your junk.”

Horrified, she says “What does THAT have to do with volleyball?”

“Everything. You never know if you’ll have to use your vag to spike the ball!”

She is laughing now and I tell her there is no way they are doing that exam today. We carry on talking about how boys prefer a woman doc for these because they check their ‘junk’ and they don’t want a man doing it.

I told her that I would think the some souped up hormone boy just growing hair around his new found joystick doesn’t want a strange woman coming anywhere near his package.

She held fast to their claim. No men.

So then she blurts out, “Mom, would you be upset if I pierced my belly button?”

“Yes. You don’t need to grow up so fast.”

“Mom, I have to tell you something. I pierced my belly button, on my own.”

I am holding back waiting for an explanation.

“I did it in my room with a safety pin and it got ripped out. I’m sorry.”

“When? And why are you telling me now”


“Um… I did it in October and then I sneezed and it popped off and they are going to examine my abdomen and I don’t want you to see it without knowing about it."

"Why would do something like that? You really dont know what you are doing. You could get an infection like MRSA or Staph. then....." I stopped.

"Mom, you didnt tell me not to do it myself."

Well, fuck me. No, I didnt.

"Haley, here you go. Do not, cut, pierce, stain, rip, tear, stab, burn, carve, twist, slay, ink, poke, jab, embed, bury, puncture, erase, scratch, bite, flick, maim, cut, suck, insert or scar any part of your body"

Breathe.

"Mom, I just want my ear pierced and my Monroe pierced."

"No, don't even think about it. Do you want me to tell your dad?"

Fear in her face. Got her.

"NO! Please dont."

"Don't be afraid of him, be afraid of me. I can reach you and legally do full body and cavity searches."

Turns out the PA brought up the fact that the guys don't want a female. They are terrified of a woman and all that talk is just their own phobia. Also, Haley is already and inch taller than me.

I reminded her that she may be taller but I have the keys that drive her to the mall.

She gave me an "I love you mommy, you are as cool as my friends think you are."

3 comments:

Wow, that was awkward said...

Sometimes I am very grateful that I do NOT have a daughter. My two boys are just plenty!

Funny story MoMo!!!

T said...

That was hilarious. Good stuff there!

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

@wow: I'm beginning to wonder myself...

@T: She's lucky it is an after thought when she told me.

And She did make the team!