Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I'm still cool, aren't I?

Seriously have a lot going on this week. Today and this month. OK, back up and you’ll notice that I am probably not the only busy one here but in my world of super chill, I need a super pill.

My lovely 13 year old is getting a big birthday party. DJ Franco will rock the house, forty hormone filled, horny swearing, know it all kids, boy/girl Friday night wingding of the year. She will be 14. I totally missed her 13th birthday so I feel I am doing a little make up here.

I have made it clear to her, that there will be no smoking, drinking, drugs and absolutely nobody’s tongue can leave their mouth for any reason. I also was adamant about no bulletins on myspace either. She has friends that go to different Middle Schools. Absolutely no Fliers. I gave her a 3 hour party limit, because that is all I can stand of that age. Parents are to pick their energy induced kids up promptly.

We are doing a black light, glow stick jamboree, there may or may not be a strobe light.

They are all way cooler then I will ever be or have ever been. I am a responsible parent and would never encourage my kids or allow underage drinking. EVER.

I know Haley thinks we are super in spite of her attitude. Besides, me and the BF have the rep as being partiers. Now, if this were true, I wouldn’t argue it, however, it is not truthful.

Just because we took her to a 3 day reggae fest in Humboldt CA, doesn’t mean we are partiers. Just because we bring friends home at 1am and dance to music and make them dance with us, shouldn’t give us a bad reputation.

This is known as Fun. We are fucking fun.

One of her friend’s church going moms decided that she didn’t like me and told all of Hays BFF’s that we don’t supervise our kids, we smoke the ganja and we have a sex swing that we let the kids play on.

I am privy to this because one of her BFFs told Hay and I just so happen to have a relationship with that mom. I called her, while protecting the girl, told her what I knew and reminded her that church mom encouraged a game of spin the bottle for her kid when they were all in 6th grade!

This mom said it didn’t matter, but she was lying. Her kid couldn’t come over if we had friends over and were drinking. Hypocrite.

I was so pissed at church mom for upsetting my kid’s social life. I needed to deal with it so I called her to find out if what I heard was in fact true.

Here is a transcript of that call:

Ring ring ring…

Church mom “ Hello”

Just the Facts Mom “Hey, Sally it’s Maureen”

Church mom “Oh Hi Maureen, How are you?” fucking phony.

Still being nice mom “Sally, I keep hearing that you are talking about me and I just want to see what is going on”

Silence. “ Hello? Hello?” I look at the phone. Dead.

Call back. Straight to voice mail. Hang up. Redial, ring ring, Voicemail. Redial, ring ring, Voicemail. Redial. Voicemail.

Message: “Listen Sally, since you decided to hang up on me, I can only believe that what I am hearing is true. You don’t know me, you don’t know what goes on in my home and the lies you are spreading are not true.”

Now I am pissed, yet able to choose my words carefully as this is being recorded.

“Don’t ever fucking talk to me or my kids again. You are a fraud and fake and you know it and so does everybody else”

I’m sure I had a few more threat free F bombs in there. She never even called me back.

Then I made sure to call all my kids BFF’s moms and tell them exactly what just happened.

Why? Because when this stupid church woman starts a new rumor at least they heard the truth from me first. And stupid church mom tried to do it. She said to someone that she didn’t know why I was upset with her and that I left a message on her phone.

Idiot. Stop flapping your dumb cunt muscle.

(Thanks Kimmie for the use of cunt muscle)

I need chaperons for this one. We need people to pat them down to check backpacks, detach mouths, sniff drinks, give kids the eye. Most of our friends are pot heads and alkies so they are of no use. Wait, I think we have one friend in rehab, I’ll ask them to hang with us.


T said...

Sounds like a blast of a party!!

And you sound like a cool as shit mom. I hope I'm just like you when my girls get all teen-like and stuff.

**shudders at the thought**

I know... it'll be here before I know it.

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

She has had a few small parties and they all just kinda circle and sniff at each other. They move around alot and cant seem to be still and not scream. They scream alot it's odd really.

Two years and this one will be driving...

And does it ever fly by. According to Wow, 41 is the new 31! Thank God!

naturline said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Wow, that was awkward said...

So you don't really have a sex swing?

We are throwing a b-day party for our soon to be six year old on Saturday. Jumpy castle place. We don't have any tongue rules. Just no jumping on heads.

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

"So you don't really have a sex swing?"

^ That really isnt a question? ^


Good ol jumpy places? Just wait til your boys find girls? I've heard most dads secretly are always hoping their boys are scoring at least first base and an occasional grill nut?