Monday, October 27, 2008


I got a rather interesting phone call from a very dear person in my life. She and I havent known each other long, but connected right away. We see each other rarely, but It's like we never miss a beat after a long time apart.

I was a bit taken off guard by her confiding in me about how her husband tends to react to her. But I often have wondered, not to be nosey, just a gut feeling I get.

It is the case of the ugly-s. You know, where the one spouse says something to the other and the other talks to them like they would NEVER speak to another soul that way. That mean, hurtful, resentful, angry lashing, almost passive aggressive but quite methodical. But not only does he do this to her, but does it with an 'audience'. Why? Why do we do that to the person we are supposed to love and cherish?

I have been guilty of this practice, (the blog before this tells of a giant 'fuck you' to my beloved) I was really provoked, but still horrible. It just makes everything ugly.

People tend to do this to their immediate family. Partners, spouses and lovers. And people will stay for years handing out this abuse and taking it, letting it slowing kill their spirit, while the other may wonder what they have done to deserve this.

I believe it to be a really vicious cycle of resentment. I dont think people know how to talk to each other, express and then listen to the other. I think men want to solve our problems but not when they might be part of the problem. No body wants to take the step to admit that they acted ugly AND try to CHANGE this ugly behavior. We say ugly things like " You did this, or said that" so they try to justify the ugliness with blame. That is the ugliest of all. When some one is some how 'wronged' by the other and is PURPOSELY ugly to them to get them back..... methodical and hateful.

I rarely hold back anything. I have learned to tell someone when they are being ugly and it offends me. Guess what? No one is listening and no one will admit it, and no one will change and no one wants to admit fault, and no one thinks they are to blame. Because most people who do that have a bunch of family and friends that think they are so fucking wonderful, It couldnt possibly be them. Well you are that way and your wife, husband, bf, gf, and kids and family are tired of your abuse.

Here is my disclaimer. I am not always wonderful. I sometimes can be unreasonable to my spouse but I have (I think) learned to admit when I am an asshole. I have learned to check my behavior. I have learned to not think of my spouse as my enemy, ball and chain, the old man. I like to think of him as my rock, buddy, lover and if nothing a friend that I can count on even when I am not being a good friend.

We all have a lot to learn. Before you say that next thing that you know might hurt your spouse, child, friend or family, ask yourself, "Am I being the best I can be? Would I want anyone to see me treat this person this way? Am I bringing out the best in someone?" If you cannot answer yes to all of these questions then you are being ugly and you know it and you, my dear, are a fucking ugly asshole.


Kimmie said...

This is extremely true my dear. A friend of mine calls it "shaming" someone. I come from a very sarcastic family and making fun of each other is a sport. Though I have come not to like it so much and am doing my best to not join in - until a ripe one comes along... he he.

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

Sarcastic and mean are different. When it doesnt make you laugh there is a difference. I find a fine line of witty and shame. Shame pathetically describes it...

Sometimes ripe banter just shouldnt be avoided!