Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Shit Starters and Liars

I cant sleep. I have been a wake since about 3 am. Conflict again. It weighs on me and damages my health, my spirit and my heart.

I get these uneasy feelings at times and cant shake them. I dont always find out why but my past has shown me that I have a pretty good intuition and it serves me. Fortunately, these feelings and events are not usualy life threatening, yet, they are things that would upset me if I really knew the truth.

When this happens, I get into a snappy funk. I lose my mojo and try to hold it in. It seems to always come out at the bf. And he isnt good about defusing it. He gets frustrated, I lose control, he on the other hand, purposely gets mean, pulls away, withholds, acts ugly towards me. Not good for us, we have a type of relationship that I call 'passionate'.

Since I start it he likes to finish it....

We have both been under a tremendous amount of stress and pressure. It is easy to forget to appreciate the other, lack affection at the end of a 14 hour day and be friends on the same team when you dont see eye to eye, have communication problems and want to avoid the unavoidable.

There really is very little room for us for dishonesty. When you put that in our pot it you can taste it. It's a mystery ingredient that you know is there, but cant quite place it. I taste it now, but will probably never know what it was, or will never want to find out. But it makes me sick.

It makes me just put up walls and lock the gate to protect me from the unknown.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned" - Buddha

4 comments:

Wow, that was awkward said...

You will always have Japan.

Kimmie said...

Oh my sweet little petal, I know that feeling and it sucks. It draws you in and you search, reach, grab at anything to recognize what it is that you don't understand yourself.

There is no easy way out except to face it head on and let it do its dirty work. Knowing what you have been through it won't be easy to take it on either. Fuck - it is a bloated bitch of a task.

Life is beautiful - find that beauty in you baby!

I'm huge in Japan said...

@ Wow,ur gay: I have Japan and mad ninja skills.

@Hang ten Kimmie: Life is beautiful. I have moved passed it now, but I still 'know'... karma is a bloated bitch. It comes around.

Anonymous said...

Mo--- HI! sorry so long since i checked in, either here or by phone, but was really happy to reconnect via your blog today. i am at work , so have to be brief. congrats on the closing of the house!! sorry about, but also happy about, the job loss that needed to happen. here is my question: why are you not doing massage therapy at this time? i have not asked you that and imagine you have a good answer. i am curious. our massage therapist makes great $$$ and seems to love it, so i imagine it can be a good and profitable profession... every one here is doing fine. my folks just left after a 4-day visit. haley's hickey... ahh, the joys of raising teens. sounds like you handled it reasonably. anyway, let's talk soon. i love you, stace