Sunday, August 31, 2008

Keep Coming Back. I still need you.

I had a dream about my mom the other night. She was just there. And I loved seeing her. And I embraced her. It felt so good to hug her. I woke up feeling happy that I had that moment but sad that it is just a moment.

The irony about this dream is deep for me. I asked her to come. I needed her. The story is, I took that new job and I. Fucking. Hated. It. The people were all so unhappy, the energy so low, and the vib made me feel... icky. I would cry, or at least hold back tears of how much I hated it yet, daily, I tried. I tried to look within and see if it was me. I have been up to my limits in stress renovating the house. Was that it, I am just under too much pressure? No. I asked some one if it was always so tense and abusive. He confirmed it. That was Monday. Tuesday, more of the same. Fuck. I really am not living my truth, wtf .

So I did what any crazy person like me does. I put in a request to the universe. I said, "OK, I'm listening." The answer was easy. The answer was simple. I want my mommy..... so I asked for her to visit me, guide me, show me the signs, cause I swear to god I am looking.

Wednesday. I had the dream, right before my alarm went off. I dont remember the content, or the messaage, just the embrace. my mom's hug, smell and voice. It was dreamy. I showered teary and stressed, dreading the day ahead. I told Ian I would go back to work for him until I found something else. I am in tears at 630 in the morning needing to avoid my life. SO not me.

While I waited for my computer to turn on I asked for what I wanted. I wrote it down, spelled it out, imagined what I wanted. Down to the last detail. I deserve it too. I am special like that. In the moment , I took the leap. I walked out at lunch. I called and said this is not for me. I wont be back. Thanks. Bye. Man oh man. Done.

Thanks mom. I told you I was listening. I went and had my hair done. And made my request known and spoke my reality. I am fucking ready.

I went on-line and found a position. I clicked on it. Called. Part-time opportunity, I need full time, but I know in my life that I am not about working for the man. I like the little guy. I like that small company with the big idea and the family friendly feel. There are less limits. This was just it.

It is a very interesting and unique opportunity. If they hire me, it is Exactly. What. I . Asked. For. Humph. Yes it is.

Wednesday I decided I wanted to live. Not work. Thursday I interviewed. They wanted me to interview with the owner Friday. I did, as well as 2 other people. It was all very positive, uplifting and I was so excited. I was asked to come back Wednesday and work for that day. It is very important to them to hire the right person for the job, the family and the purpose to be fulfilled. They are very excited about me and told me so. I was so elated. I left to go to the BFs shop and help him, help me. I called and told him all about it.

On my way to my car. I had tears in my eyes. I got to my car and I cried big tears of joy, relief and sadness that I couldn't share this with my mom. I was still so happy to feel and know that I have so much to contribute to the world, with or without this position. I forget to tell myself that I deserve so much more then I have been giving myself. I have great skills and creative ideas. I have a new life developing and I am ready. Once I take this position I will share the experience. I wont be able to not share it.

I know I have the answers within. I learned long ago that my higher power and my intuition speak to me. I just have to listen. I have been pretty deaf dumb and blind.

"There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills." - Buddha


Anonymous said...

hi sweetie. i read your blog from 8/31. my heart is with you. i hope you find a work niche in which you feel comfortable. you will. you did the right thing to walk out of the wild animal park of work junkies/robots. i am SO proud of you and so grateful that you have the perspective to do that, to take care of your needs. my motto is NEVER WORK where you are not comfortable with the people, the mission, the vibe.

as for joan. i dreamed about her, too, either the nite you did, or the nite before or after. she was just there. i felt her presence, too. she was making something, or holding something; it was large and awkward. i dont know what it was. but she was there and it was peaceful. i love her. i love you. and i wish that i could be closer to you. i am here, and i care and i want you to know that you mean the world to me.


heather said...

i've had dreams like that about my friend lindsay before. i woke up and i really, honestly felt like i had been with her. she isn't on my mind very often anymore, but a few months ago i started thinking about her really intensely all of the sudden. the next day i realized the day before had been the anniversary of her death. before i experienced that i never really thought people could come to you like that, but i think they do. i'm glad your mom came to you.

also, i really admire your strength to walk out of that job. i have stayed far too long in shitty situations, far too many times. excuses and fear are hard to overcome... i'm proud of you.

I'm huge in Japan said...

Heather, It is easy to doubt so many things, always keep your mind open. I used to have incredible dreams about my dad after he died. His death was very unexpected and not only was he young, so was I. It made me not afraid to die....