more time

it's been a while since i ave written. i lack huge amounts of motivation.
and pleasurable accomplishments. writing i want to do but it is very challenging with the mistakes thst i make. i find pleasure in fitness. because i can do that. and i am finally enjoying being social again. a feww weeks ago, i was truly depressed and very down. my youngest daughter is really struggling with her this mom I sent her this text: olivia you don't seem happy i miss your happy self. im here for you if you need me her reply; i miss my happiness too im just upset at the fact you're never going to be the same again and it affects me more than you think our relationship has changed completelyand it's breaking my heart, i  miss the old you but there's nothing I can do about it. i miss your happiness more than anything seeing you cry isn't easy for mei don't want you to feel like it's your faul tbecause it's not yo couldn't prevent your stroke. im sorry i m never happy, im trying my best to find the good in life i just cant seem to any more.. omg. when i was in the hospital all i could think of was my girls to make sure they were okay and not scared. it isnt like a broken leg were the healing is predictable. this seriously broke my heart.if you know Olivia  you know how special she is. she has a personality that lights up a room.she is a beautiful old soul. and a pure joy even at 14. she always has been. she reached out at school and saw the social worker. she was sent to the office for crying in class. i hate that she is worrying so much. i got an appointment for her to go to a therapist to talk to. this has been hard on our whole family none of us know how to deal with my un predictable emotions and sadness that hit like a ton of bricks. i too am doing my best at shaking it off and searching for my daily blessings.i can handle my sadness all effing day. its my kids hurting that is the struggle.

i have had some amazing people show up in my life helping me and reminding me to get silent.and give it time. we are all grieving for the loss of momo.  ian is trying his hardest ad doing a pretty amazing job under the circumstances. and our hard relationship still has the same issues that we both have to keep working at.and going from partner to care taker. its a huge transition  i can take care of my self about 90%. but still need some assistance. with some things.i have a very beautiful family.and i am proud of all the hard work they are doing..my emotions are unpredictable. it's like that pms up and down. i can cry at someone just saying that they miss e or have been thinking about me.
in the mean time i try to honor my needs and express gratitude at every turn.and sty away from people that drain me.im not going to lie, this is hard and im waiting for the switch to go on that brings me back to who i know. i try everyday to celebrate my kids and Ian even if it's just in my head.   this is teaching me more and more about empathy and compassion.and strength. some-days i dont want to even leave the house.

wishing everyone a beautiful and wondrous spring. life is short live it.love and time heal.i find that to be a happy thought.