I can do this.

I know I brag about my kids all the time. I also complain about how hard it can be.

Today I miss people being present. I miss the presence that family bring to everyone. I miss my sister and my brothers. I miss mom so much right now. It is difficult to be the sole provider and always expect and hope the I can pretend that I am doing this parent thing okay. It has been a rough couple days of grasping at straws acting like I have all the answers. Jesus. I don't. I crave the familiarness of family even if they are also crazy in their own way.

I have my side of the family in California and my girls dads family in Louisiana. We very rarely see any of them. When we were here in July visiting the old people, my daughter told me how much she loved it. I have fond memories of large family gatherings. I have never been able to show that to my girls over the years. Me and them.

I love the holidays. I hate them too.

Today I hate the holidays, but will never show those girls this inner struggle. I will push through and show them the massive love I have got them and remember that m ost of the time they are this way because of only me.

Typed from my phone and sorry about the typos