I've written several posts that I have not published. Lucky for you....
Change. I find it tis the season and I am glad for it. Only problem is I still dont flow with it. I control it.
I become doubtful, suspicious and, well, controlling. Why? Because I have been let down and I keep believing in something that I cant change. I dont accept what is and fight it. The let down is in me for still fucking doing this.
I long for that connection. The closeness. The trust. The tenderness. I seem to only get that when I am perfectly doing everything right. I have no room to error...
I realize I am holding on so tight to my past that it brings so much fear in to the now and I worry about the future. My future and my girls future. I worry so much that I can barely live in the present. I have to check myself and live.
I think the problem is me waiting for those around me to follow through and make those changes as well. And I am wanting to control that. Urge it along. Because that is what is good for me. I want this with another so bad that I sabotage the present good....
Bottom line is; all this BS fuels my past insecurities. Or maybe I am just in denial of what my gut is telling me.
I read somewhere that maybe it isn't about trying to fix what is broken, maybe it is about starting over and creating something new.
Maybe it is time.
4 comments:
I understand trying to control things instead of learning to adapt to the way things are. In the end it is a lot less painful when we go with the flow.
Well, you read my ramblings on change. I feel ya sister.
Good luck. Love.
Are you calling me fat?
The past can be a poison to the present when it leads to negative thoughts or expectations. Sometimes in order for the present to be happy you truly have to let go of the past and be open.
I really don't know what I'm talking about. I'm going through a lot myself right now. But I'm hoping for the best for you.
Post a Comment