Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Fight for it

Relationships. Oh they are so difficult at times.

A couple that is very dear to me just broke up. I mean done, after 38 years. 38 years. How? I have many theories about this. But first my reaction is sadness. My own selfish sadness. I love both of these people, They are family. These family visits and holidays will never be the same and I will feel this loss during these times.

Everyone is saddened by this. The In-laws, children, parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and many friends. The person that was left is sad, angry, confused and hurt.

I believe the one that left had probably had many years of sadness and emptiness that lead to this break-up.

I am going to share a tidbit about what I have learned about being in a relationship. I am terrible at being unhappy. I hate it. When I feel unhappy I HAVE to change it. Usually unhappiness is internal, although it can be circumstantial. I have experienced both and both arent always immediately obvious.

I might go years feeling not quite happy in a relationship. Sometimes it is only months. But one thing I dont do, is remain silent. I do start to sweat the little things. Little things add up. Over many years, they pack on the extra weight just like many spouses do. Resentment, blame and disdain are horrible things to wake up to. I am not an easy person to live with. I have an idea about how I want my relationship to look. But the thing that stops my perfect scenario is my spouse and the way they might want a relationship. Oh yeah, compromise.

I totally resist that any problems might be me. I justify with blame; "if you didnt do this" or "if you would just do that" Such BS we feed ourselves. Typically after many years of being right, I tire and leave. Change the problem and life changes. Wait. um... yeah.  The problem is that way of thinking all these years. I needed to change. But. Yes I said but. Both people have to be willing to fight it out. Fight for what they want and fight for change. I have been fighting with this guy for years. I am not fighting him anymore. I am fighting me. So I can change. But after 6 months of doing it, I am no longer resisting or fighting myself. I am accepting myself and deciding what I can do differently. We have a dialogue that happens quickly and lovingly. Weird.

One of the many reasons I have stayed here all this time? I love this guy. He gives more than I have given him credit for. He is not easy but he is a good person. Since I have let go of the need to be right (mostly) I can respect him more and have a more loving and accepting heart to not only him, but everyone in my life.

I dont want to remain silent and just walk out one day. I have done that. You have to ask for what you want. Just saying "That is who I am" is very limiting. Sure somethings are that way but If asking for what you want can make your relationship better and both people better in love and life, can that be so bad? Of course, I am talking about being reasonable in the request and kind and unselfish as well. But if there is one of the little things that you can change that brings harmony, you have to ask for it.

So, about this couple, I understand that she didnt ask for what she wanted and he didnt tell her to not do things that bothered him. They accepted each other right out of the marriage.

And people (women) you have to have a sexual relationship with your lover.Regularly. It is a must. And if not, it is a deal breaker. None of this once a month BS. If it is a Wednesday, do it. Yeah, I am tired too but I have asked for the things I want to get me to the place where I can wait to go to sleep. Men want it everyday. They think about it and they think about you. So men, make your woman want to be with you. Don't only go for the good parts, touch your woman everywhere. Love her body not just her naughty bits. And do it often.

Women need to feel connected for sex and men need sex just because they are simple. When we stop giving and getting basic human desires in relationships we will leave. We will sleep on the couch for years. We will avoid the very thing we want and in the end it hurts everyone.

9 comments:

Bathwater said...

It is sad when a relationship with such years comes to an end. I think it can often be prevented. My divorce after 13 years probably could have been prevented-- but it takes two.

Mandy_Fish said...

My husband was just reading me an article last night that explained the phenomenon of how women believe they have complained and lodged their dissatisfactions for years before leaving. Men feel ambushed and taken by surprise. They never took the nagging or complaining as legitimate complaints.

My husband said the one thing he learned from his previous marriage that ended, was to pay attention when a woman complains, no matter how softly she says it.

Word.

Red Shoes said...

Relationships aren't for the weak of heart... that's for sure!!

~shoes~

NicePeace said...

@bathwater. It does take two. Change will happen no matter what is going on. I think communication is the only way to grow together instead of apart.

@mandy-oh-wise-one- most men don't see it coming and I have heard this personally. I have told the BFF that when I say to him "you'll miss me when I'm gone" to listen up. I am coming to the point that my needs aren't being meet and I have asked for what I want numerous times. I go the opposite way though, I do t believe that I nag or complain, I never wanted that label or to feel like I was a ball and chain.

@shoes - yes, but worth it when both people are willing.

whileshedreams said...

This couldn't be more spot on. About a week ago the news of this couple was unfortunately passed on to me... and honestly I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. I almost wish I didn't even know, because it's terrible and saddening and there's absolutely nothing I can do for these two people who I still care so deeply for. Because it's not my place to say anything anymore, because I probably shouldn't even know. I just wish I could hug them, you know? I know it's not necessarily a huge shock to me and you, as we've seen the other's quiet unhappiness for some years now, and known some of what went on behind the scenes in the relationship. But it's still heartbreaking.

And everything else you said about your own relationships is also so spot on to my own life, it's creepy.. I'm tired of being unhappy in my relationships, trading them in for new ones when I feel there's no hope left, only to find the same problems haunting me... because they're my own.

I literally just had this exact conversation with E last weekend:

"Men want it everyday. They think about it and they think about you. So men, make your woman want to be with you. Don't only go for the good parts, touch your woman everywhere. Love her body not just her naughty bits. And do it often. Women need to feel connected for sex and men need sex just because they are simple. When we stop giving and getting basic human desires in relationships we will leave. We will sleep on the couch for years. We will avoid the very thing we want and in the end it hurts everyone."

We have been having this problem lately. I understand his need as a man and I want to fulfill it, as well as my own, but we are so disconnected during the week, by the time the weekend comes of course this is all he can think about and I literally have no interest in it. They go straight for the goods or make jokes about it or just bring it up bluntly, and that just doesn't work anymore. I tried to explain to him exactly what you said - but I think this concept is really hard for men to understand, so it may take more conversations and reminders until hopefully one day it becomes natural. Thankfully starting next week he will be starting a job close to home and actually be coming home every night (!!!) so maybe this will bridge the gap between us. I'm just so grateful to read what you wrote because it's just confirmation that I am on the right track... that I'm not just crazy. Because I don't want to end up running from this relationship, too. Not tomorrow, and not 38 years from now.

So... long story short, thank you. And I am so glad to hear that your efforts are improving your relationship.

NicePeace said...

@ dreamer- I so miss you. I wondered if you knew yet. The BF just asked me yesterday if you did.

Don't sit in silence about what you want because you and E want the same thing. Explain it like you just did here. This is where you go forward or apart. Call me today if you get a chance. Love.

whileshedreams said...

Yeah, somehow I always manage to stay in the loop with that family even still.. not that I try. But I can't help caring for them, and I was only part of the family for 5 years. So I can't imagine what everyone else is going through...

I definitely have not been silent. I maybe just need to work on my discussion approach, because I think E feels like he's constantly being attacked, like he's always doing something wrong or I'm always upset with him. It's hard to get him to understand that that is not the case, that things simply have to be brought up and discussed or they will never get better. I feel like we got somewhere the other night when I explained it like you did, but it will definitely take time and constant effort.

I SO miss you too. I will call you soon. XO

T said...

Ah yes! Great lessons and great advice.

Thank you for your wisdom and experience.

xxoo

Wow, that was awkward said...

Did you call us men simple? Well, thanks for your astute command of the obvious.