Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Fight for it
A couple that is very dear to me just broke up. I mean done, after 38 years. 38 years. How? I have many theories about this. But first my reaction is sadness. My own selfish sadness. I love both of these people, They are family. These family visits and holidays will never be the same and I will feel this loss during these times.
Everyone is saddened by this. The In-laws, children, parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and many friends. The person that was left is sad, angry, confused and hurt.
I believe the one that left had probably had many years of sadness and emptiness that lead to this break-up.
I am going to share a tidbit about what I have learned about being in a relationship. I am terrible at being unhappy. I hate it. When I feel unhappy I HAVE to change it. Usually unhappiness is internal, although it can be circumstantial. I have experienced both and both arent always immediately obvious.
I might go years feeling not quite happy in a relationship. Sometimes it is only months. But one thing I dont do, is remain silent. I do start to sweat the little things. Little things add up. Over many years, they pack on the extra weight just like many spouses do. Resentment, blame and disdain are horrible things to wake up to. I am not an easy person to live with. I have an idea about how I want my relationship to look. But the thing that stops my perfect scenario is my spouse and the way they might want a relationship. Oh yeah, compromise.
I totally resist that any problems might be me. I justify with blame; "if you didnt do this" or "if you would just do that" Such BS we feed ourselves. Typically after many years of being right, I tire and leave. Change the problem and life changes. Wait. um... yeah. The problem is that way of thinking all these years. I needed to change. But. Yes I said but. Both people have to be willing to fight it out. Fight for what they want and fight for change. I have been fighting with this guy for years. I am not fighting him anymore. I am fighting me. So I can change. But after 6 months of doing it, I am no longer resisting or fighting myself. I am accepting myself and deciding what I can do differently. We have a dialogue that happens quickly and lovingly. Weird.
One of the many reasons I have stayed here all this time? I love this guy. He gives more than I have given him credit for. He is not easy but he is a good person. Since I have let go of the need to be right (mostly) I can respect him more and have a more loving and accepting heart to not only him, but everyone in my life.
I dont want to remain silent and just walk out one day. I have done that. You have to ask for what you want. Just saying "That is who I am" is very limiting. Sure somethings are that way but If asking for what you want can make your relationship better and both people better in love and life, can that be so bad? Of course, I am talking about being reasonable in the request and kind and unselfish as well. But if there is one of the little things that you can change that brings harmony, you have to ask for it.
So, about this couple, I understand that she didnt ask for what she wanted and he didnt tell her to not do things that bothered him. They accepted each other right out of the marriage.
And people (women) you have to have a sexual relationship with your lover.Regularly. It is a must. And if not, it is a deal breaker. None of this once a month BS. If it is a Wednesday, do it. Yeah, I am tired too but I have asked for the things I want to get me to the place where I can wait to go to sleep. Men want it everyday. They think about it and they think about you. So men, make your woman want to be with you. Don't only go for the good parts, touch your woman everywhere. Love her body not just her naughty bits. And do it often.
Women need to feel connected for sex and men need sex just because they are simple. When we stop giving and getting basic human desires in relationships we will leave. We will sleep on the couch for years. We will avoid the very thing we want and in the end it hurts everyone.