Friday, January 28, 2011

Tolerant to Toxic

As a massage therapist, I am required to renew my license every 2 years. In order to do so I need to take state approved continuing education courses. I take them at a reputable massage school and then mail in the fee in a timely fashion. Timely fashion means at the very last minute in this case. When this happens I am limited in the selection of classes I can take. So this time I had to take classes that were available and convenient for me.

I am taking a different type of modality to release 'control' or holding pattens or what ever else. It is interesting and easy work and also very powerful. More powerful than I would have expected.

I always dread taking these classes.

1) I have to.
2) They are expensive
3) You have to work on people
4) They are time consuming
5) I think I know everything already.

When I am in them, I LOVE them.

1) They are fun
2) A new skill is a enjoyed by clients
3) I get to get body work
4) They are motivating and refreshing
5) I didn't know everything after all

I usually like to give first. So you pair up with someone and you exchange this new modality. I give first because it is fresh in my mind and I am excited to see it work. And I always hate getting something relaxing and then having to jump up and give. It is selfish but it works for me.

I did that today. I gave first. And the other body loved it, responded well and released. holding patterns. He was able to articulate what I was doing and how it was affecting him. He was easy and pleasant to work on and gave me the feedback I needed. The instructor came over and made sure I was doing it correctly, although you cant do it wrong.

Then it was my turn. The minute he touched me, (I was face down, or prone) I held on. I wouldnt let him in. I wouldnt let go. He was doing a great job at being gentle and patient. The instructor walked over and asked him how he was doing. He said I was guarded. Boy, if only he knew at that moment how very guarded I really was. The instructor was standing at my shoulders and asked me if I knew what I was holding on to. I told him "yes, I do" He asked if I was willing to let go, and I agreed again "yes" He told me to breath it out, on the exhale, release it. I started to quietly cry. I wanted to weep loudly. But I knew I want to 'control' my composer. He kept talking softly to me telling me that I was not being judged and I was safe to be there. "Safe" was what I wanted and what I needed.

I needed to be cared for. To be accepted. To be loved. Not to be criticized. Or judged. Or expected. Just to be safe. He kept saying, "you are safe" I knew at that moment, I was. But i know deep down, I am not. Not safe to just love and be and feel and receive. There is a price I am paying. We have gone from tolerant to toxic.

I dont know how to let go. I cant ask questions for they are all wrong. Wrong tone, Wrong words. Wrong topic. I question everything I do and say right now. I clench my jaws so tight, my teeth ache. I have no energy or feel so very little joy. Because why? I. Am. Not. Safe. To be. with you.


Memphis Steve said...

You are beautiful. And you are certainly loved. But even beautiful loved people hurt sometimes. I hope that you heal quickly and find what you are looking for.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Wow. This is beautiful writing.