Friday, January 28, 2011

Tolerant to Toxic


As a massage therapist, I am required to renew my license every 2 years. In order to do so I need to take state approved continuing education courses. I take them at a reputable massage school and then mail in the fee in a timely fashion. Timely fashion means at the very last minute in this case. When this happens I am limited in the selection of classes I can take. So this time I had to take classes that were available and convenient for me.

I am taking a different type of modality to release 'control' or holding pattens or what ever else. It is interesting and easy work and also very powerful. More powerful than I would have expected.

I always dread taking these classes.

1) I have to.
2) They are expensive
3) You have to work on people
4) They are time consuming
5) I think I know everything already.

When I am in them, I LOVE them.

1) They are fun
2) A new skill is a enjoyed by clients
3) I get to get body work
4) They are motivating and refreshing
5) I didn't know everything after all

I usually like to give first. So you pair up with someone and you exchange this new modality. I give first because it is fresh in my mind and I am excited to see it work. And I always hate getting something relaxing and then having to jump up and give. It is selfish but it works for me.

I did that today. I gave first. And the other body loved it, responded well and released. holding patterns. He was able to articulate what I was doing and how it was affecting him. He was easy and pleasant to work on and gave me the feedback I needed. The instructor came over and made sure I was doing it correctly, although you cant do it wrong.

Then it was my turn. The minute he touched me, (I was face down, or prone) I held on. I wouldnt let him in. I wouldnt let go. He was doing a great job at being gentle and patient. The instructor walked over and asked him how he was doing. He said I was guarded. Boy, if only he knew at that moment how very guarded I really was. The instructor was standing at my shoulders and asked me if I knew what I was holding on to. I told him "yes, I do" He asked if I was willing to let go, and I agreed again "yes" He told me to breath it out, on the exhale, release it. I started to quietly cry. I wanted to weep loudly. But I knew I want to 'control' my composer. He kept talking softly to me telling me that I was not being judged and I was safe to be there. "Safe" was what I wanted and what I needed.

I needed to be cared for. To be accepted. To be loved. Not to be criticized. Or judged. Or expected. Just to be safe. He kept saying, "you are safe" I knew at that moment, I was. But i know deep down, I am not. Not safe to just love and be and feel and receive. There is a price I am paying. We have gone from tolerant to toxic.

I dont know how to let go. I cant ask questions for they are all wrong. Wrong tone, Wrong words. Wrong topic. I question everything I do and say right now. I clench my jaws so tight, my teeth ache. I have no energy or feel so very little joy. Because why? I. Am. Not. Safe. To be. with you.

2 comments:

Memphis Steve said...

You are beautiful. And you are certainly loved. But even beautiful loved people hurt sometimes. I hope that you heal quickly and find what you are looking for.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Wow. This is beautiful writing.