I Love Presence

Awe. A new year. We are obsessed with dates and numbers and new and old. When the new year falls right in the middle of a weekend, the new year doesnt really start until Monday. You cant start exercising and eating better and giving up booze on Jan 1st. With the 1st being a Saturday, that is even more of a ridiculous thought. So now that Monday is tomorrow, it is a good day for reflecting on what will be. Why do today what you can do tomorrow?

I had a super fantastic year in 2010. I learned a lot about myself, my kids and the BF. I had some super struggles with family, alcohol connecting and depression. All of these struggles are still present, but I have learned how to deal with them in a healthier way. Dont get me wrong, I am far from healed and healthy, just not living in denial.

My mom died 3 years ago. It seems like so much longer then that. I so miss her wisdom and support. I miss family get togethers that me and my siblings will never have again. I will learn from this and keep my girls as my family close to me.

My girls. I really cherish these young women. They are the positive force that keeps me in check. How true it is that we have so much to learn from our youth. They have a fresh approach and mostly an un-jaded perspective on life. They are also so willing to love and learn. I have developed the most amazing respect and bond with them. It fills my soul and makes me proud to have their unending love.

The BF... we are approaching 6 years. Six very challenging years. Honestly, we have an extreme relationship, it is either really tight or falling apart. We spent some time together on the therapist couch over the summer. We were both enlightened to see that neither of us is right or wrong. We both have come very close to leaving. Me more than him. He tends to love me just enough to keep me "in" and when he is on the way out I guess I love him just enough to have him stay. We are that couple that individually we are both pretty cool but together we suck. We are trying not to suck together as much as we have. Blame and resentment take up a lot of time.... We shall press on.

My biggest goals this year is to expand my heart to meeting new people and using what's in my heart outside of myself. I want to travel more and learn a new skill. Mostly I want to be at peace with myself and live the Buddha way. I also hope to do the practical things like be healthy save money and not use social networking as a means to define my relationships. I should probably get a dumb phone to eliminate that. I will plan to see my siblings and family with patience and openness.

Mostly my goal is to stop blaming and resenting the past.

Peace to living NOW.