Friday, July 30, 2010

Look! Boobies!

I decided to write again. I have another blog that i have been spending the last few months bitching to. I had some ups and downs I had to address and went kinda wacko. I wasn't committed or anything and didn't need drugs, (maybe i did) Nothing unlike me just and another mind came in and took over.

Alright, here's the deal. I haven't changed any of the original players in my life. This year has been a very trying and bittersweet year for me. I am now feeling level enough to enjoy where I am and get on with gettin on.

October I started a new venture and began my own biz. This has been my 'sweet'. I am soo grateful everyday for the clients, the freedom and my new found income and opportunities. Seriously praise the baby jesus for that.

I have lost, by their choice, a few very dear people that I miss regularly. I was totally cut off. No fight, no words and no understanding. Let me cliche` and say maybe it's for the best but it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about them. I can only guess at one, but why assume? I want to hear why. Again, maybe it's better this way. (I miss you if you ever stop by anymore)

Purging judgments and forgiving wrongs and misunderstandings are not what our egos thrive on. I am willing to take responsibility for whatever I did, but I honestly don't know.

I went through a very serious time of depression. I labeled it many different things. Labels like, blame, addiction, guilt, regret, fear, abandonment and so on. I was very close to walking away from this place. When I walk, I keep going. I don't need to wonder if I should I know when i should and since i haven't, well, it isn't time.

Yeah? So what? Im moving on and like the rest of this life, it will go on. Geez, i can think of about 10 cliches` right now....

My kids father dropped out of the picture too. And they know it. And they are not happy about it. WTF is wrong with people not following through with responsibility? We've been divorced 10 years now. But the girls didnt divorce him or make him move to and stay in costa rica. They are teens. They need a man that they know would kill for them. Not saying he wouldnt but he would have no idea if he needed to.

They have the BF but its not the same. As much as we all would like for it to be, it isnt. Yeah? So what? We show up and do the best everyday. and that is okay.

The BF and I have been working hard at us. really hard. and it has been very .... hard. ha. but change takes time and who really needs to change? I do. Not because I suck that bad, just because we all do it. I have a huge rolling of change that I feel. I crave travel, experiences, people, when I am in this place I am all over the place searching. Why the hell do i do that?

I know now. I spin my wheels worried about everyone's happiness and then get bitter at everyone because I did take care of me. I found out, I don't have to take care of everyone, they have their own bs to own. But I still want to be there for those people I hold close to my heart. Those who keep me going and keep me healthy and keep me feeling loved.

Life. I have many new adventures coming up. I feel different now and Im trying to be content again. It's been so long since I have been content. These times are the times that make me blossom.

Does this smile make my boobs look bigger?


T said...

Sounds like you do have quite a bit going on. Take some deep breaths in there somewhere...

Thinking of you and sending you strength.

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

T, You know how it goes. And you just keep going.

Now is the easiest place to be. So be it.


Wow, that was awkward said...

I'm glad you have the priveledge of knowing me.

Elli Belly said...

That's right g/f, take care of YOU. We get so caught up in everyone else's well being that we forget to charge the engine that keeps everything flowing smoothly. When I feel those times of "antsy wanting to fly" I usually end up flying. Not always good for me because I tend to become very selfish when I ignore myself for so long. Always looking for that balance of flying and keeping everyone under my wing.

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

Wow- dont you have a shoe to find? and besides you are the privileged one.

Elli- Thanks for inspiring me. Im so grateful our paths crossed!

Wow, that was awkward said...

It should be in your ass!

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

Wow- you miss me huh? I missed you too.

Memphis Steve said...

I'm glad that you're back, very very glad! And also, your issues sound quite familiar. I think perhaps you're normal, and thus, in my professional capacity I shall declare you so. You are normal. There, I said it. :)

Also, nice boobies. I love boobies. Boobies are good.

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

SteveM- I dont want to be that normal. But I prefer that over crazy. Eccentric makes me happy. Can we take a vote here?

Why is it you can relate to me? Are you too, eccentric?

We eccentrics need to all get together and celebrate how normal we are and bring the boobies along.

(except Wow)

Memphis Steve said...

You should bring the boobies. If I bring boobies it means I have a hormone problem or something. Either that or I brought a hooker along. Other than that, I like the idea of getting all us ''eccentrics together in one place. We might just take over the world.