I like change even when it scares the hell out of me. I need change often, I get bored and restless. Change excites me but I have been finding the change taking place these days is depressing me.
There are days I feel trapped and like a robot. Taking care of every one's needs. Yet failing at making an impact. I feel vulnerable and uncertain and these are the times that I resist and struggle and feel down. My kids are still gone and I have realized that my life is fuller and better because of them. These funks I have make me want to run, relocate, start over and start fresh.
I feel I work hard on my relationship but it seems like it always goes back to it's dysfunctional bullshit. Some is because of me, some is not. It all is so very exhausting. I feel the resentment and that feels ugly and I dont want to play house like this anymore.
I drank too much last night and so the usual lame misunderstandings come up and fuck with my head. I have a hard time letting go and moving on. But I have been trying. One thing I have learned about myself and people in general as much as we change, we stay the same. I think we all want to better and have the people in our lives see that we are making an effort. The only true thing that seems to remain constant is people dont change. Not for other people. Sure we try to, but we are who we are and can only make a change that naturally happens. On our terms.
Find love with someone you love and respect and never expect change. It will come but really all you can do is change yourself.
1 comment:
I always quote from A Course in Miracles: "Seek not to change the world, but rather seek to change your mind about it."
The only one you can control is yourself and how you react to something/someone. Once you feel acceptance of who the other person is, they may change... or not.
But you have chosen to accept them either way.
"Things don't change just because you hold on to them. They change when you let go."
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