Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Intimidation and Power


I have never been abused. Not sexually not physically not mentally. OK. I have. But it was not the way I was brought up. I was very protected as a child, loved and told so.

I have met people along the way that were abusers. Sexual, verbal and physical. I NEVER stayed. I knew better. That first red flag and I was outta there.

I had a few mild encounters with sexual abusers.

I remember being about 10 or 11. We had a neighbor across the street. A man. An old man. I had brothers that used to let me play with them, ya know, boy games. We were always racing bikes, playing sports and riding skateboards. I was the only girl in the hood and was always competing. I was all legs and fast.

Anyway, the Old Man was always out and we all were friendly with him. I remember my bike breaking one day, the chain fell off and he came over to help me put it on. I was in the garage with him and my parents were working. He was a runner and in those days, loose shorts were fashion. I was distracted and i looked over at my bike and while he was fixing it his penis was fully erect and hanging out of his shorts. I was scared, not that I knew what the hell that thing was. But the energy was wrong. At that same moment my dad pulled in to the drive way and he got up really fast and left.

I felt like I did something wrong. I felt dirty. It never did happen again. I knew to stay away from him.

Another time I was molested, was by a doctor. I was 21 and worked at a hospital. I was under a great deal of stress and was in a controlling and unhealthy relationship. I was very thin and concerned about my health and went next door to see a GP. He asked me all the typical questions. Asked about periods and then started asking me about my personal life. He told me I had PMS and then said he was going to do a quick pelvic on me. Now, I had been to the GYN many times. I knew the procedure. But this was a man highly recommended. THE doctor to see. I had a dress on and he told me to pull my panties down. I did. I was just standing next to him by the exam table, He went right between my legs and stuck his finger in me. No glove, no table, no nurse. I let it happen. But I couldn't believe it happened. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I left. I wanted to scream and shout out what he did. But I was scared and didn't. I never really realized I never told anyone until after I had children. Again, I thought I did something wrong.

My brief and horrible experiences is nothing that some children are subject to every day. Just writing this is sickening me. This was spawned because of something I read and someone I know and I wonder how do we ever get into that place that doesn't stop such a despicable crime?

Intimidation and Power. Fuck you. I would kill someone to protect my kids. I have always told them what they need to know, to follow what feels right and wrong. I have told them that NO MATTER WHAT, NOBODY can ever touch them without me being present, not a teacher, doctor, relative, neighbor..... no one. Is it enough? I hope so.

I wish I would have done something all those years ago.

3 comments:

goldielux said...

i've had one experience in my whole life. it was scary and happened when i was 6 or 7. i have told 2 people about it my entire life. i have come to terms with it and don't feel like i was terribly scarred or left with scars or issues. it is unfortunately more common than people think and needs to be stopped

Sarah said...

This sucks. Thankfully I was never subjected to any sort of physical or sexual abuse. What's strange is that an ex of mine was sexually abused at age 10 and didn't remember anything about it until a book he was reading sparked DEEP memories...some of it came back to him at age 21. Memories he had completely suppressed. That is scary to me. I have thought about doing hypnosis to overcome nail biting or my phobia of vomit but am fearful of any suppressed memories coming out. They're pushed down for a reason...the brain is an incredible system when it comes to this sort of thing. (That ex...he's a cop now :)

Nice Peace of Buddhy said...

Goldiesux: Tell me your secrets. I wont tell. I feel the same now, but it is still horrible.

I had two other incidences at an older age that were much more upsetting to me. Both times it consumed my thoughts when I was alone for many weeks.

Sarah: If I cant remember it now, I'm with you, I dont want to know. Is it vomit on its own or the exiting of the vomit? Here is an idea, rub your nails in vomit, maybe that will stop the nail biting. I'm full of good ideas...

Cop huh? PTSD can strike them and have it all come flooding out.