Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Content-To satisfy the desires of; to appease or quiet; to gratify; to please

There are times when I am very restless, uneasy and discontent. I get bored easily and distracted even easier….

*runs off to get coffee*
* texts hair stylist*
*puts cap on pen*
*forwards email to girlfriends*

Where was I?

I just sent the bf an email expressing my contentment. I have felt at ease the last few weeks. Peaceful and alive. When I was doing my job search, I tried to make it very clear on what I wanted. At the same time, I was making it very clear in all my desires.

I don’t think that universe actually listens to what you want, but instead gives you what you need. I have also come to believe that what you resists- persists. My self battle has been giving me a hard time for quite some time. I can be very rebellious and stubborn. I usually come around yet I don’t always learn. I just want what I want. Not really that uncommon.

Now that I am in my (our) home with the BF, I am working a job that I love and my kids are doing great. I am feelin' the healin’.

I have had a rough year, some of it self induced, some not. I have resisted mourning. Why? I am supposed to be strong and take care of business, family kids, job, bills, self, love. All this time I just wanted to crawl under the covers and weep. And be taken care of and be understood. I just couldn't express it. When I want and need help, I can’t ask for it. I must remain in control while I am out of control.

With my awareness, I have known all along what I was experiencing. I just couldn't change it or control it. I had to flow with it. It feels freeing to be back. I feel good in my skin again, I have changed. My relationships are better, not perfect but I have freedom in choosing. Life goes on whether you like it or not.

I’m going to like it.

2 comments:

Wow, that was awkward said...

"Why? I am supposed to be strong and take care of business, family kids, job, bills, self, love."

All ability for me to appreciate the sincerity of this blog was shot when I read "self love."

I'm huge in Japan said...

*Pokes wow in the eye*