No Blame Just Shame

Several years ago I was a whole person. Full of love and hope and passion. After my second divorce, my soul searching lead me to love myself. I was expanding in life, meeting new people and challenging myself to do new things. I knew I had issues but had gone a different and positive route. I felt lovable and ready to give love to another whole and healthy, expanding man.

I was eager to add to someone's life and eager to be in a mutually respectful loving relationship. I have a lot to offer. I am a dedicated, witty and open minded person that knows a little about a lot and tries not to have a know-it-all-attitude.

But something happened along the way, early on. I trusted too much and gave too much and wanted too much. I was told I was in a mutual relationship. But I wasnt. I was willing to not be in the realtionship because it. didnt. feel. good. I was quickly reassured with words. Words and actions werent the same.

With out reliving the dirty details, I felt a lot of hurt and felt deceived on many levels. I began to not trust. I began to resent. I began to feel insecure about who I was. Again and again. For many years.

There is saying " Fool me once shame on you, fool me again, shame on me." hell, maybe it is something different. Like 'Lie to me once' or something else unappealing. Whatever it is, it kept happening. I kept wanting to leave and I kept being reassured with empty promises.

Fast forward 4 years. The behavior of the deceit stopped, mostly, but my resentment and insecurities continued and festered. I was angry. I lost me. I became notably co-dependent, (cringe) and down right mean and bitchy to the object causing this pain. I became a woman I didnt know and more of one that I didnt like. My story is tired. I am tired and he is tired.

Major changes are underway. I moved out to take a break. I lost my home and the life I was trying so pathetically and desperately to have. I still grieve this loss. I am resisting these life altering changes. I have found forgiveness, but I still have the pain and insecurities. I accept the past. Just like I accept that my mother died, but at times it still makes me terribly sad when I think about it.

I wonder if I will ever move on while I am still with him. Trust must be earned. And the past must be let go of. Fear must be released. I need to reach in and find that whole person I was. The new person I am. That amazing woman that is doing it all with no one to depend on. She is in there and I suspect she will blossom again with the beauty she has never let go. I wonder if you will notice before I fly away.