The BF and BF

I just read a great blog by Mandy about love and her boyfriend. It inspired me to write as I have been already thinking about where I am and what I am doing, thinking and feeling about everything from love, family, kids, work, health, GOD, friends and just about everything.

When you are in the moment, which I try to be when I am doing something, I tend to consider what is going on in me. I am trying to get to know who I am and where I am going.

I am not lost or anything, but quite truthfully, my moms death really shook my life. More then I could have ever known at the time. It is true, you can never prepare for it. Never. It mostly opened my eyes about my relationships. I want to fix my relationships, I want people I interact with to find and feel love. To make the changes that make them a better person. But I know all I can do is do this for myself.

I have said before, that I struggle and doubt myself at times as a mom. I do, however, know that I have pretty kickass kids. I take full responsibility for their upbringing. I am, I hope, giving them the skills to grow into who they are. GUILT free. Not with free guilt.

The bf and I have always had a rocky relationship. We both have a lot of love towards each other. We both have had a lot of hard times with each other. But I stay. He stays. And everytime, it is worth it. Why? because we are committed to each other. We try so hard to communicate and solve issues and find compromise and common ground. Respect.

This guy loves me and my kids. Perfectly, the way I think he should? No. Not always. But consistantly, striving to be better and growing as a man becuase of it. A MAN. In the almost 4 years that we have been together, I have seen him change. He is better at loving me then he was in the beginning. I think he gets me more then he did. We still fight over really stupid things, but now we make up and admit the problems and move past them with love and forgiveness. Now that is growth.

I have learned to stay. I have learned that he doesnt have to be perfect and we can disagree and still accept each other. I am not going anywhere. Not without my BF. My boyfriend and best friend.

My BFF

I have a teenager. She is gorgeous. She is an A student. Parents like her, I like her. She is a blond but she dyes her hair brown. It looks good. I really like most of her friends. I trust her.

Some, some are just little bitches and some are just snotty bitches and some are just slutty bitches. Seventh, almost eighth graders. Thirteen....

When I was her age.... oh my. I started smoking cigarettes when I was twelve. And started smoking pot when I was about that same age. The first time I drank I was 12 and I even 5 finger discounted the Schlitz from 7-11, or was it Coors Lite? Whateve. The first night I drank I got super sick, at the movies, and then fell on my ass and not knowing it at the time, broke my coccyx. That doesnt heal for years and it hurts. My mom always though I was at the movies.

I did this drinking and smoking for years. Pimp beer and boonesfarm and smokes. It was a lot of planning and took a lot of balls to ask for some one of age to buy it.

I had a partner in crime. Stacey. OMG we had so much fun, laughs and trouble. We were so drama free and just wanted to be a good time and have a good time. We always succeeded.

We went to different schools so we wrote notes to each other through out the day and raced home to deliver them to each other. I so looked forward to them. They were always about our other friends, the guy we liked the lame teacher that we made fun of and how we wished we went to the same school. I still have many of those notes, they are funny and naughty and full of dreams and plans. I read them now and get such a kick out of the plotting for the Saturday night party and how are we gonna get there and who's house we can stay at.

We both had our own room phone and we would talk for hours. Daily. No email, myspace, text messaging or AIM. We just did it the old fashioned way. Stacey's voice from my youth is forever etched in my heart. As well as all the daring crazy unforgettable moments that have without a doubt shaped me into who I am today.

I was not a trustworthy teen. I was a good person, but I had a very wild side almost like I was two different people. I wonder if my mom knew that. Or did she not want to know that? She used to say we protected her. She never wanted to know what we did even when we had our own kids.

Stacey and I are still very good, if not great friends. I have known her since kindergarten. Thirty six years. Although we rarely see each other, I know without a doubt that she is the best friend of my life. My first love, my soul mate.

I thought about her today as I dropped my 13 year old off at the mall with her very best friend. I listened to them giggle and tell secrets and get text messages and answer their phones. I hope she is having as much fun as I did at her age and if she is I am going to fucking rain all over her parade and protect the hell out of her very gently and loving and never let her think she is ahead of me. I remember all the tricks. No sex or drugs for my kid.

I am so proud of Haley and I love her so much. I felt so much love for her and her friend and thank her for reminding me of the memories of my best friend that I had at her age.