faced-embraced- erased

After this year of losses. and fear. i finally looked at it accepted it and felt it. i thanked it for coming to teach me what i needed and said goodbye to what was gone and smiled in peace knowing i won. once i let go.I opened up. and loved showed up. After this year i knew i could survive anything because i had me. and i am fucking awesome. the stokers celebrate the anniversary of the stroke calling it a rebirth day. I'm calling it i am alive today.Nov 15 Th the 1 year anniversary of my life from hell festival  journey i will declare it the end  of what was and the beginning. Of all things alive and well.
In the end i knew i did it because of me. i always had it in me i just made excuses to blame. i survived with everything i am.  when everyone disappeared i was still left.  i close me eyes every night with love on my mind and in my heart i wake up and continue to manifest my future. and that door is closed forever to some people. i also had to painfully let go of.no one knows of the tears I cried that day. once i did. love walked in and the switch happened. it was like a miracle. so i will never forget these lessons of pain and change. this work was difficult but necessary. i can smile now and laugh at the drama i created and holy fuck. am i ever happy.   I'm glad i gave myself the real time i needed to heal emotionally. and purposefully. it is a change that is forever. i know the exact moment it took place too. i don't love you anymore because i finally love me enough.  I deserve it too. i'm nicer to people my energy fits better . this isn't about what happened to me its about where i am.i don't have to keep living that story. my real fuck off.i am now happy

WHAT I found ON THE MAT sunday.

i had a very spiritual moment in yoga on sunday. i was pretty upset when i went and almost cancelled.instead i decided to breath it out and replace it with good.i did just that. and my mood all day was full of love and joy.intention is about the only thing i can create. that or a mess of the people in my life.so with that i am in tune with the universal energy that i can create. living with purpose has great power . i  finally stopped sobbing about things although i am still emotional at times  i recover much better now. i was really struggling with balance and the yogi kept telling me it wasn't a time to compare myself with others, she didnt say it to me but would just say it. her reminders told me to let go stay present and feel gratitude. i found .it with bountiful amounts of love towards my self and some past things i have been trying to heal from. and for the first time in years i felt love and joy and forgiveness in my heart. truly felt the power of it. i felt strong and like i could do anything. if i would stop beating my self up of reminders of how much i have changed.  instead but look how far i've come.  my losses and changes are huge. and measurable. i feel immense gratitude for them they have put me on a path i never dreamed possible. almost magical. i have a ton of work i still want to do but i know i can do it. i am worthy and deserve it. without my own senseless chatter. my intent sunday was to hear and let go and find the lesson. so  everything else that day was done with soulful intention filled with love and free spirit. my day and life continued to improve. and with the love i feel i have been wanting to express it.
i also admitted that i dont love yoga but sunday i saw it.for the first time in a while.i was happy. thank you . to the laughing buddha in tempe , az

waking the fuck up

why the fuck are love and relationships so difficult. we are dealing with many generations of dysfunction and being unaware. i feel blessed that we live in an age to find answers if we look for them. we get to be exposed to all the masters, buddha, deepak, eckert , gandhi. we are so blessed to have such wisdom to learn from and apply to our lives. if we can only turn off the chatter and choose a path that serves our greater good.  we can learn from the past and put that beast to rest for good it is an opportunity to heal the past therefore creating a positive future and whats to come.we get to choose and choose some more. beautiful lessons.a work in progress couldn't be more true. best if the work is growth. in my meditations. i have looked deep and seen my own growth it is a path to freedom. living deliberately . since i have been setting short term goal and setting my intentions. my attitude and success has dramatically improved. question everything then seek to find and understand. i had to adopt this in order to deal with the life i created. from my health to the end of a life i had  with someone i loved.even in such a short time. this process has helped me heal and love myself again. i am looking for ways to be of service o others in the most simplest forms of love and expression of gratitude.this time is all we have. as i write this today. today is the anniversary of my father's sudden death from 1988. all the things i could say. i wish i knew then what i know now. wishing gets you nowhere  i am all about action living now no holding back. right now. is important. being present takes practice change takes practice. it's a good life when you show up. and get clear.i am loving the feeling of being familiar to myself again. i see the light and feel the love towards me.and you. dropping blame lightened my heart and improved my well being my aura feels brighter. i'm awake to it. thank God if you will.

my lessons of surrender and freedom.

6 months of letting go and challenges have lead me to a place of peace. not easy to do with where i wass in my heart and mind being aroundnew people and their influence of thetruth of selfis nothing but freeing and hopeful. once i surrendered and looked within the common theme was it is my job to look at this and decide i deserve better. in my life letting go of what never was was a boost of love i gave myself. the beauty i found was doing it alone. not through the approval of someone else . surrounding myself often with others that take action in living. have goals and live in the present not forcing their beliefs but being an example of living. and being satisfied while learning to be with myself and grow has had many rewards. i feel forgiveness in a way i haven't in a long time. i like not explaining  what i am and having to defend it at every word.

so yes, i can now appreciate the lesson from you. i have been working harder than ever at healing my physical and emotional well being. as a way of survival as a priority like food and air. i feel great these days i no longer cry over the losses but look at them all as stepping stones to a better place one i have missed and have been longing for. back to trusting my intuition.  heeding the warnings and trusting The process. my only expectations are about me from me. the surrender that people need to find their own way. less judgement more giving.better listening with more silencing the mind and the mouth. i m taking on a pure developmental sate of being . with original thought from successful influences. coming from a place of love and patience. i no longer have to tolerate crappy behavior and justify something that is crappy  letting go and walking away has healed me in countless ways. that are starting to shine  through. my light is finally returning. i no longer cry over what used to be. i am no longer in the grieving mind frame. it has allowed nme to discover new people and experience life in a way to serves my soul i am back to giving to others instead of seeing what others have to give. i was told i had a case of ptsd. although i wont have that define who i am i can see the time i went through that it was true. the painful sadness and depression i had several months back.where i pushed everyone away. i see how pissed off i was.at the hand i was dealt. and the story i let it become. all a part of the bigger picture and now the better picture. i no longer cry over that story. the only part that saddens me is the effect that it had on Olivia and Haley.and knowing i should have done this long ago. so without blaming me any more. i got it and get it. i can still get pissed off but i try and put you in a space in my heart when i see you are not looking within and growing. so i dont have hate for you . that is my way of forgivingyou as i don't have to be anything anyone expects me to be good or bad. taking responsibility  for self is the best i have to respond with for now.

and accepting you for who you are and staying away from you is the best i have to offer you.  i can even look for the good now and focus on it. it feels better on a cellular level. thank you for the lessons. every last one of them.

butt rainbows!!

I WAS TOLD TO WRITE A BLOG ABOUT THIS FROM MY BESTIE WHOM MANY OF YOU blog writtersREADERS USED TO REAd. cap lock off.

my life has dramatically improved over the last 7 weeks. not without a lot of self motivation and letting go. lots of tears i can't seem to get them all out. i never knew who i could be until i let go of who i was. that was my biggest delay in moving on not to mention my self imposed limitations and obstacles. motivation is still my biggest enemy. i found some good resources and reads that give me the extra umph. to get me moving. i'm still trying to fatten up from the 30 pounds i lost but didnt need to lose. i ate 1 pound of strawberries and a half of jar of salted laura scudder's peanut butter. heavenly goodness.  my trainer said to walk around with a jar of nut butter and  a spoon. i like the sweet aspect that gooes<--- nice type -O with nuts.having left my 8 year relationship, selling the home i loved losing my bed and my oldest daughter moved out on her own. and i cannot handle my adorable pup. total full hand of losses. so sucky and all the little bs in between. hot as fuck in az . my phone sucks. i need a new number. and the tub doesn't clean itself.still wtf. i like food. it's been fun for me to make my own discoveries. in life. i also have totally eliminated negative thinking. even when i drive. no name calling. think about just how much you judge people in a given day. i challenge you to become aware of it. and also be aware of all the words you say that you never follow through with. empty promises have been flooding my life.  i started back to my own accountability on being codependent no more. that is the key that lets me let go. of anger an pain the most. becoming present help me to really enjoy people and the moment of gratitude at a higher level away from my ego but more in a loving presence. life is becoming beautiful to me. taking back holding a space for the things i don't like.truth be told surrounding yourself with people you like and admire holds true, so does working on being a person you like and admire. keep in mind, i have to strive differently for that.  by letting go of shame and let down. and letting in forgiveness and truth. i am a better person for it.i am so grateful for the lessons and the healing ! thank you bestie!see you soon

MISSING MOMMY

here it is again. that time we celebrate the first woman we loved. i have not missed my mother more than i have in the last 6 months.when my mom died she was not at peace her cancer had spread to her brain and i swear, the things she had filtered fher whole life was spewing out life a broken oil line unstoppable. and mean. it was an awful way to spend the last few days with someone you love. and no one is there for you like dear old mom. through your challenges heartbreak, your own mothering dilemmas. noo others love and compassion can measure up. i understand this as i feel that love toward my own 2 daughters. and even a bad day they might have at school sets me into high gear of empathy and help mode. we never stop wanting or craving the mothers we need and love so much. this year has been my greatest challenge. yes becoming a mom was a great change in my life but one i could experience the love of giving and receiving. knowing i had a huge role in the outcome.with a more predictable outcome

i miss my mommy today. i have felt her around me and sought her guidance through my healing time. i have really needed her these last few weeks.while going through this breakup with ian of 8 years and returning to single motherhood are huge actions to take on all at the same time.moving and trying to upl ift my daughters who are dealing with teen life too Haley is graduating and her own life discoveries are pending and being questioned.
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. i feel like superwoman right now!keeping my self out of a downward spiral and funk that i could easily fall into.

i find myself continuously manifesting what i want and waking daily with gratitude- a  state of mind. today i am grateful for my kids and the love and joy and beautiful young women they are. a new place to start over and to call home. and support from friends. and the amazing people that keep showing up in my life.

more time

it's been a while since i ave written. i lack huge amounts of motivation.
and pleasurable accomplishments. writing i want to do but it is very challenging with the mistakes thst i make. i find pleasure in fitness. because i can do that. and i am finally enjoying being social again. a feww weeks ago, i was truly depressed and very down. my youngest daughter is really struggling with her this mom I sent her this text: olivia you don't seem happy i miss your happy self. im here for you if you need me her reply; i miss my happiness too im just upset at the fact you're never going to be the same again and it affects me more than you think our relationship has changed completelyand it's breaking my heart, i  miss the old you but there's nothing I can do about it. i miss your happiness more than anything seeing you cry isn't easy for mei don't want you to feel like it's your faul tbecause it's not yo couldn't prevent your stroke. im sorry i m never happy, im trying my best to find the good in life i just cant seem to any more.. omg. when i was in the hospital all i could think of was my girls to make sure they were okay and not scared. it isnt like a broken leg were the healing is predictable. this seriously broke my heart.if you know Olivia  you know how special she is. she has a personality that lights up a room.she is a beautiful old soul. and a pure joy even at 14. she always has been. she reached out at school and saw the social worker. she was sent to the office for crying in class. i hate that she is worrying so much. i got an appointment for her to go to a therapist to talk to. this has been hard on our whole family none of us know how to deal with my un predictable emotions and sadness that hit like a ton of bricks. i too am doing my best at shaking it off and searching for my daily blessings.i can handle my sadness all effing day. its my kids hurting that is the struggle.

i have had some amazing people show up in my life helping me and reminding me to get silent.and give it time. we are all grieving for the loss of momo.  ian is trying his hardest ad doing a pretty amazing job under the circumstances. and our hard relationship still has the same issues that we both have to keep working at.and going from partner to care taker. its a huge transition  i can take care of my self about 90%. but still need some assistance. with some things.i have a very beautiful family.and i am proud of all the hard work they are doing..my emotions are unpredictable. it's like that pms up and down. i can cry at someone just saying that they miss e or have been thinking about me.
in the mean time i try to honor my needs and express gratitude at every turn.and sty away from people that drain me.im not going to lie, this is hard and im waiting for the switch to go on that brings me back to who i know. i try everyday to celebrate my kids and Ian even if it's just in my head.   this is teaching me more and more about empathy and compassion.and strength. some-days i dont want to even leave the house.

wishing everyone a beautiful and wondrous spring. life is short live it.love and time heal.i find that to be a happy thought.

step it up

are they important to you? like the saying goes if its important to you yo'll find a way if not you'll find an excuse. or just be lazy. which is selfish too.so many people scoff at valentines day. but why i feel you should be a to have someone looking after you in life. set goals for your year and become a better person to the one you love. have you taken the time to improve you're listening skills? how about just put them first because you need to tweek the boring parts. in stead of looking at porn how about looking up how to become a better lover. if your woman tells you she doesn't care about vday i say she is just letting you off the hook because she knows you lack romance and creativity to be uniqueor she knows you are lazy and doesn't know how to say it to your face.guys there are other men that can swoon her .you don't want that. so step up and rock her world.

i am a sparatan warrior nbut not from MI

if you follow me on the face book you know i just completed my first super spartan. its a nine mile up hill muther fuckobstacles. and then arwith unnesccesary obstacles along the way about 20 of them.
i guess there is a spartan sprint that is half the miles nd  beast that is 13-14 mils eith about 40 uckingfback breaking ocstacles that is a half marathion distance. usually in hills . it is a competition race. type thing but you dont have to run.i didnt rub not even one foot. i walked up hill the whole way. and didi the obstacles . i was coerced into it. by two friends that push ther own limits in these and the assured my i could do it to the finish and the have an rn=my of them and they all support eachiother to the finish. you can accept help during this event. and this army was in the know about my condition and helped me the whole way.and i will tell you his it was grueling hard and cold and raining most of the way. the prob with cold is i have neuropathy on my entire left side and it is cold anyway. to be wet is torture.if im not warm. and there are pools of water involved not swimming but just muddy. the most overwhelimg part was the pure exhaustion. but the emotional part was the people that they were  believing in me and helping me finish. it was important to them to get me through it. so see kindness can change the worldhttps://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151285078837732.481388.605652731&type=3.

momo's moop-a thon

jI just returned from a walk to the store about a mile away and found an alarming amount of trash in the street. At Burning Man it is called  MOOP, noun – Matter Out Of Place; especially as it applies to Black Rock City and its Citizens. Can be anything: cigarette butts, bottle caps, glowsticks, fireworks, but is often disguised as debris, i.e., broken bits of wood, plastic, metal, glass and plants. Can also be a condition: burs, grey water, dunes, etc. Always recycle

moop, verb – to pick up Matter Out Of Place.. 

I decided there was no good reason I couldn’t take a walk from now on with a trash bag and moop my own neighborhood, parking lots, hiking trails and parks. Why is it someone else’s job? It is mine and it is yours. Teach your kids something to be proud of.  At Burning Man the idea is to never let it hit the ground and everyone participates. It doesn’t matter whose fucking moop it is; it is bad for the environment and Burners will shame you. Trash is a no-brain er of doing what is right. The world is not your ashtray smokers.  Contribute to your world. I dare you to join Stroke y Mo and be a part of my crusade!  Help MoMo and her moop-a-thon! Take pictures, Tweet it, shame your lazy friends and neighbors to do the same! This is everyone's responsibility! Declare the month of February moop month. Please help spread the word. Tweet this.<https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLzdWsvOe2szPqsMi6Sr1rj4O8jSNHVi_s9EDDjUe9SpycXc2Fnl9k1v2NVha1UXcng5uyw3H_WjCdD_zVsRTVpBXXWTey6iyf5FMaTVQdlAoFB-SbqGkd8VWPjf0jqnT1fJ7SSOcSddxn/s1600/trash.jpg>

npd

yikes

Narcissiwstic personality disorder

Last r

Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition in which people have an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with themselves.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The causes of this disorder are unknown. An overly sensitive personality and parenting problems may affect the development of this disorder.

Symptoms

A person with narcissistic personality disorder may:

• React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
• Take advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
• Have excessive feelings of self-importance
• Exaggerate achievements and talents
• Be preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
• Have unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
• Need constant attention and admiration
• Disregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathy
• Have obsessive self-interest
• Pursue mainly selfish goals

Signs and tests

WHO THE FUc AM I NOW

THIS IS HOW I FEEL NOW IN MOST SOCIAL SITUATIONS.

I FEEL A TON OF GUILT THESE DAYS. I LACK MOTIVATION TO EVEN SHOWER. MUCH LESS SHOW UP AND WORK.I DONT FEEL BAD.i feel like i am a big let down now.sAny one that knows me knows i adore my family and would do anything for them. I JUST Don't feel joy or happiness maybe it is just pleasure i am not experiencing.  i now feel like i am a burden to my family. like i bring nothing to the table. that feels very sad to me.sometimes tears just fall out of my eyes. and it is hard to share my feeling about why. to talk about it will just make me lose it. it id so hard to admit sadness. i don't want the pity tat follows it. or the false hopes that well-meaning people say. everthing will get better just give it time.I wou d like to hear i have no idea what you are going through. i think the rough part is, i mostly appear look  and act normal for momo. ian says i am different in a positive way. i guess i used to be be a real bitch to him. circa nov 15th. i do not feel it on the inside.not that oi want to be normal i just want to feel a little familiar to me.. i would say i am at about 60%better. and 100% hopeful and positive. i just have never done this before. i know the well wishers mean well. and thank you to all of you.
i feel very loved. i just want to find that person to share this with that can help stir the motivation.I have so many feelings i want to express but my typing sucks  and is so frustrating  again lack of titivation Iwent to pt today and did a machine that i did the very first dsy i did pt and that first day i couldnt even keep my lefty hand around the handle it would slide off and i couldn't do it.but oday i could and remembered back and totally found some pride in it..  and a small sense of accomplishment.


/that feels foreign to me too.dependency i highly dislike .i am scared shitless now to ever have this happen again.

2013

its my stroke and it mkes mre cry a lotoh how.i miss me

i miss my life i had a tight little orderly life wand now it is chaos. i cannot drive i cannot earn money right now my entire interdependence is gone.i feel so sad.  hate this change it is harder then i let anyone know. i liked me and who i had finally become i cannot take care of my family the way i want to, i cant cook or clean. or plan  I've become un- domesticated.. my kids take care of me now. but i try so hard to stsy positive abut at times t is hard to not want to cry like a baby. like right new  i am not earning money and i want to give like i do every year. so money issues cause worry and stresss and i hate to worry.and no one understands. i am not one to ask for help or even admit i need it. i just want to be me again. i will conquer this i just want it now.i don't know how to enjoy this journey. i pray all the time for peace and healing and guidance  i am mostly always a tpeace.but dsinc thst crazy massacre  i am terry and my kids try to comfort me amd i know ithay is hard for them thy are used to me having me in control's\  and they hate to see me cry.i make an ugly cry face ttoo. ian is doin his best to keep it together for us all annd it is hard for him picking up the slack for me iyt is new to him to we always teamed together so well.and had a satisfying balance. and family dynamic. my kids are going through finals right now so rthy are under a  lot of pressure as well.am glad to have them. i need them and it seems unfair of te role reversal/. stronf women raise strong women.ewihing you all a beautiful christmas and health. and gratitude..i have to relean it. i dont know how to be disabled. how difd this happen?

life eventtmojo rising

an un expected meduical event that will change me forever, nov 15th i was snatched right out of my home into a hospital away from my family for 3 weeks. missing thanks giving at home i had an unexpected huge storoke said my doctors. ian some how recognized right away that it was happening, my speech was slurred and i had weakness. but felt nothing.in fact i told him not to call 911 i work so hard at being healthy. it has taken me this long to even start to process how bad this could have been.ians fast reaction saved me from long term hardship. the whole time in the hospital i was more worried about my kids well being. then about mine. they were at the house when it happened and in the er when they were currying about.  Ian immediately started a get well page on Facebook to try to contain info in one place and i tell you. i never felt so loved. nbut knew that i aways had the most amazing people in my life. Vhttps://www.facebook.com/groups/534571653238370/as the love poured in i knew i could kick this hell away.and the never before noticed love from Ian opened a whole new love passage to us.insert cliche you never know what you got until its gone. for some reason everyone ids saying how amazing i am. i am not doing anything that anyone would be doing if they could do it. seriously the love and positive energy is healing. it has renewed my hope for humanity. maybe even showed that ther are no guarantees ior anyone, an eyeopener of sortof to many people.and my daughter singing for me reduces me to tears.https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=489103444446452i have somany things to get well foran90%of it inst about me.thanks to all of ou who touche dmy soul during this Sensurround yourself with amazing people they will inspire you to be your best self.i still have yet to greive. i have tried to jusst acceptccept that i will never be who i was . ian says i seem much calmer and sweeter. i do feel different. i see the blessing in life and want to live it daily, i am even more emo than i was.

I was a little pissed afew days in to it, because i was starting to feel like i was in alignment with health and fitness, love and work.it is a big reset button. i have found gratitude in it all.i find i want to dig deeper into self,
thank you for all the love and hope and encouragement.and kid words that move mr to tears. never hold back your love or happiness. and know you are needed by those round need them themit is hard for me to rely on others, i cannot use my left hand and im a leftie. ttheythink it was a hereditary stroke. my father had one at the same age as me mhthe had lasting injuryandg. he didn't work for months,. oi am ready to go back. i have to tel myself to rest. iwe have had endless visitors i have loved it. if you need a winter getaway az is perfev=ct this time of year. when Brett came to see me we had some great laughs and he says i didnt know strokes could be do much fun.love you Brett and thank you for writing that beautiful story about mehttp://www.storylane.com/stories/show/1106915004/this-dragon-will-be-slayed?invite_code=SHAREWITHBRETT&it=10vkbm0.  we need to get dawn vvto bm with us make it happen. i dont ask for much.

like i said ui never felt more loved by ian in the almost 8 years we have been together  i told him i wanted to get msarried. know even my strokry mind knows that is not the answer.but i love this man for showing up and  giving me what i knew he hadall along.

A Boy and His Dog

Seti. Such a truly great dog in my lifetime.

I met her when I met Ian. It was our second date and he brought her to my house in Sedona, AZ. She was about one at the time.

She walked in and immediately pissed on the carpet. Ian was shocked. I am pretty sure she did it because my dumb puppy chihuahua was still being house broken.




Everyone loves Seti- She was a work dog and she did work, well if you call fetching work. She loved to play ball, in fact just saying the word "ball" caused her head to swing and frantically search for a ball. Frisbee also created the same response. She liked to travel too. We would take her camping with us and the second we hit a dirt road, she would start pacing the car and whimpering. She knew there would be someone to fetch for. She would literally play until her paws bled. And without fail, barely be able to walk the next day. She played hard.

Seti was the type of dog that didn't play with other dogs, she didn't like the aggression or confrontation. Even if the lazy Chihuahua, Meanie, tried to take her ball she would let him because that dumb little dog would just growl at her. The minute he let his guard down, she was take what was hers.

When I was training for a marathon, not once but twice, she would run with me. I ran on a canal and there were very few people on it. She probably ran 2 miles to my 1 mile. I didn't put her on a leash, I just let her run beside me and make sure it was safe. She would run up to people, I think just to see if they had a ball, but I soon realized that it kinda freaked people out. So I would call her and she would heel to me as someone passed. No training for that, just a damn great dog. She knew her place in our family.

We took her on a house boat, she went to the lake, the dog beach, the Dunes, endless camping trips. She was always welcomed at peoples homes, although she was famous for dropping a ball, a stcik, a piece of rubber, a water bottle or whatever she could chase, in front of you and just staring at you... waiting. She typically wore you out in the pool playing ball with her. Then she would get bored waiting and just nudge it in, watch it float and jump in after it.

The last time we took her to dog beach at Huntington Beach, she played so hard in the water, fetching and dodging the other dogs trying to get her ball. She swallowed so much salt water that she ended up shitting herself clean while on the sand. We then decided that we needed to take her away from her water and ball obsession. While walking up the hill to the car, clear water was squirting out of her butt while she walked. Ian had to tell Olivia to watch out as she was about to walk right into it!

Yesterday we found out she is very ill and we decided to let her go and be in peace. What a terribly hard decision.  Do you wait and let them go on their own, do you just humanely love them right into the white light? We are all devastated. She is part of our family and a true joy of an animal. She has been so loved by us and everyone that knows her. It is so hard to know that Ian is hurting so much. My girls are hurting and I am hurting. Such sadness.  But still a blessing that she was in our lives.

A boy and his dog.

Love.

Hot A.F. and CRAP

It is still hot A.F. in AZ. Everyone else is getting 10-30 degrees of below average weather and we are still sweating our balls off.

I love this time of year. It is perfect for getting out. In AZ we are prisoners of the heat as it is hot day and night. This is the time of year everyone is out on bike trails, jogging, hiking and golfing. The lake is beautiful and our desert is coming to life. There is always something in bloom in Arizona and it is truly a great place to live.

I was out and about this weekend. There is an event called Tour de Fat that Fat Tire Beer puts on here. It is to get people out of their cars and riding bikes for the environment and such. It was pretty fun. People dress crazy and drink. Good times. We rode bikes to the event, which is at Tempe Town Lake, near ASU. It was pretty packed, hot and a shit ton of people.

I am doing a cleanse as soon as I return from yet another vacation. I have been boozing it up way too much lately, eating out regularly and neglecting my overall health. The thing is I dont feel like I have any of the issues that are labeled below.

The cleanse is a 10 day Clean body/ Clean mind to give yourself a break from the C.R.A.P. Caffeine, Refined Sugars, Alcohol and Processed Foods. I like CRAP. Wait. I actually have a heavy duty caffeine love and like weekend drinks. I dont think I over do refined sugars and I know I dont do many, if any, processed foods. Here is what you are supposed to notice.


Weight Loss - Everyone has an ideal weight in mind. I am pretty ok with my weight and always have been.
Clearer Skin - I dont have any issues with acne or dull shitty skin.
Increased Energy - Mine is so-so. I rarely feel low energy and if I do, I know exactly why.
Deeper Sleep - Jeeze. I fricken sleep. So hard. Fall asleep, wake up I dont need stimulants to stay awake
Improved Digestion - Seems to do the do do just fine.
Improved Mood - I am so fucking happy. It's gross.
Healthier Habits - Booze caffeine. Ok I like the idea about feeling inspired. Health is important.
Balanced Blood Sugar - My blood is sweet and balanced.
Optimal Metabolism -  Yeah Check.


I am 'posed to feel food and they provide shopping lists and recipes. Oh and did I mention that this is a test group? Well, it is so I have to be in a secret FB group, and fully participate, do group calls and the like.  Oh and no meat. I like the meat. I will be doing journaling and meditating. So if you see me snippy on facebook, just post a picture of meat and booze and caffeine and well, CRAP.

I am off to spend 6 days with my kids, the BF and the ex hub. Should be ....fun and I am looking forward to it. I asked for a body of water and there it is.

I am going to try to write more, at least weekly. Any topics? I am so brain dead. Oh and I havve taken like six weeks of vacation this year. I am so there for I am.

Biological Urge

"The mystery of life isn't a problem to solve, but a reality to experience"

I am a bit in a foul mood. I am not really into spell check today nor caps or full words or even punctuation for that matter.

Truth is I am in a pretty hoeful <--- hopeful, place. I guess I need to spell check.....

I had a shitty week last week and goddamm it has been a while since one that dramatic.

I have been wanting to find the quiet time to reflect on my burning man experience. I did and I didnt. I decided I am not going to label my experience. I am not going to define it as either good or bad. I am just going to say that burning man was great and here are some of the reasons only maybe a few people will understand because they know me or went for themselves or both or you are a really good listener or stalker.

SO in looking at the BM experience It was great. And any other adjective that is great-like. The time of my life for everyday that I was there. Why? I was present. I was totally in acceptance of my life. How awesome is that? It is really amazing to look at it that way.  It feels good to feel that today. There is so much to be in awe about anytime you are present. Try it now.

The theme was Fertility 2.0. Take that however it resonates with you. I personally think of it as a birth or a newness. Symbolically I think of more, abundance and growth of a family. Ironically. That is what happened while I was there. I found out who my family is and it grew out of a mutual respect and need. I strengthened relations and questioned some as well. And now that the dust has mostly settled I feel reborn and ready to take on the world again. That is what is so special. You don't know what you will get out of that place. I found some ugly things there. I have let them go, All those weirdos there say the Playa provides. That couldn't be more true. You just don't always know what you are in need of. Well, at least for a ex-codependent like me.

I welcome the changes I feel today. I let go of some nasty shiz and I am open to the unknown of abundance that is out there. I don't have an expectation for it. But I have a word for it.

Love.

I asked my fake Siri aka Skyvi (Android) what is Love? And this is what she said:

Sometimes I think love is just a biological urge. Other times it seems like a spiritual quality. Love unlike energy or matter, seems limitless.

I plan on using my limitless love on everyone I meet. Just like I did at Burning Man.

To Love a Goddess

I found this. I found this so beautiful.

DEAR BEAUTIFUL MEN:
If you want to change the world… Love a woman - really Love her. Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.

Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen. Hear the names, the pra

yers, the songs of every living thing-every winged one, every furry and scaled one,every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,every not yet born and dying one…

Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.

If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet, you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her. If you want to change the world…

Love a woman - one womanbeyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and varietyand all your superficial concepts of freedom.

We have given ourselves so many choices we have forgotten that true liberation comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire and burning through our resistance to Love.

There is one Goddess in every woman. Look into Her eyes and see-really see if she is the one to bring the axe to your head. If not, walk away. Right now. Don’t waste time “trying.”

Know that your decision has nothing to do with her because ultimately it’s not with who, but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… Love a woman. Love her for life - beyond your fear of death,beyond your fear of being manipulated by the Mother inside your head.

Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her. Say you’re willing to LIVE with her, plant trees with her and watch them grow.

Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty, by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… Love a woman in all her faces, through all her seasons and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-your double-mindedness and half-heartedness which keeps your Spirit and body separate-which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Selffor something to make your life worth living.

There will always be another woman. Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars, trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.

Man doesn’t need any more choices. What man needs is a Woman, the Way of the Feminine, of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing, of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots strong enough to hold the Earth together while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… Love a woman, just one woman. Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.

Love her through her fear of abandonment which she has been holding for all of humanity.

No, the wound is not hers to heal alone. No, she is not weak in her co-dependence. If you want to change the world…

Love a woman all the way through until she believes you,until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion, her wildness have returned to her ...

... until she is a force of Love more powerful than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world, lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.

Lay down your inner war, righteous anger and Love a woman…beyond all of your striving for greatness, beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.

The holy grail stands before you if you would only take her in your arms and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-memberedthrough the heart of the feminine, in man or woman?

What if a man’s Love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine is the key to opening Her (and His) heart?

If you want to change the world…Love a woman to the depths of your shadow, to the highest reaches of your Being,back to the Garden where you first met her,to the gateway of the rainbow realmwhere you walk through together as Light as One,to the point of no return,to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth..."


To be a man and love a woman like this, she must be the kind of woman that *could* be loved like this.

♥ A woman leading her body, her life with trust, compassion and willingness. A woman that values, honors and allows her vulnerability to be witnessed, plunged into, ravished ... A woman who communicates, stands in her center and opens herself wider, and wider ... and wider, again. She sings her song and dances her dance in full confident feminine expression - And she honors him, his dance, his direction - yet ONLY because she honors her feminine and His masculine purpose NATURALLY fulfills her... "Here" - she knows she is home...♥ ♥ Lisa Citore

Bitch -Off

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. 
Lao Tzu 


That is my goal by the end of this post. ^

Right now I am very much NOT in a good place. And I need to release this to move forward.

I want to delete, erase and disappear from the people in my life. (not my kids, geeze, my teens are easier than the world for me)

You know what? I'm pissed right now. I am not looking for praise or a back pat for anything I have ever done for any one else. But I am really sick and tired and going the distance and taking a bunch of shit because of it. I need to retract and reconsider where I put my energy and hard work.

Burning Man: I wrote a very different post about Burning Man this year. Obviously I knew it would be quite different. I was ready and excited about that. And BM was good. I am just having a hard time processing what I went through when I returned.  You say: let it go, be present find the good.. I am trying. I am always trying. I, in fact I am trying harder than ever to find the positive.

Truth: cold, hard, ugly truth.... let's see.

It is only one little thing and I am holding on as tight as I can to it. I am refusing to make excuses for it ....again. And I am hurt and so very disappointed. I wrote a post in early June. Gave me the same feeling and it is about the same thing. I am not going to sugar coat it nor say it is okay this time. My intuition is dead on. I will not deny that just to make someone comfortable.  But to me it went down like this:

We got home and the BF was down right mean to my girls. He ignored them gave them dirty looks when they talked to me and was rude and arrogant towards them. Why? Because I take care of them. I make their doctor appts, I remind them to do chores, I give them money. Sounds like a normal mom? Yeah, I think so, But they should be able to call and make their own appts. They shouldn't need to be reminded to clean the kitchen and they barely do any work, they don't need money. I am not saying that in some ways he is wrong. They should clean up after them selves after making food. Yes. I dont need to tell them that. But sometimes I do, and he thinks I should punish them. Here is what I say." Hey liv, you left your dishes in the sink, clean up after yourself"." Ok mom". Done..  No he wants me to PUNISH them.

Personally I have no desire to nag and bitch at him or my kids. Anyhow, he was pissed that these few things were happening in front of him and nothing was satisfying him so he got pissed by treating them terribly. He ignored them and when they spoke to him he looked at them with disgust. They felt it. And he knew it. I immediately told him that whatever his problem was they didn't deserve his shitty attitude. I ask him what they did to him and he told me it was because of what I do. I am not teaching them anything. I am pissed that he justified treating an innocent kid that way. Not cool. At all.

I feel blindsided and hurt by one of the lowest things he could ever do to me. Hurt my kids. The thing is, they felt it, but they didnt care like I do. I lost trust and faith in him again. I dont know how to let go of this. I feel chaotic and unsettled because of it.

Returning from BM I had the most joyous feeling towards him, and that is how he felt towards me.
And I cannot shake this negativity even though it is no longer going on. Yeah great. But why? WHY?

My trip to BM was never about me. It was about him. I knew that by taking an art car. I am not saying that is a bad thing but I gave up what I wanted to support his goal. I am not looking for a "Good job, Mo"  I want just to be understood that I did my best to watch him bask in his glory and asked for very little. My days were filled with his time frame, schedule and desires. My needs were not filled quite so eagerly. I felt bad to ask for some quiet time. It didnt make him happy and I wanted him happy. This is not his fault, it is mine.

Now looking back, as unfair as it is to say, I feel somewhat robbed of my own experience. Not that what I did was not fulfilling, it just wasnt mine.

I am now trying to find acceptance in all of this.

“When your actions are motivated by love, you expend least effort and your energy multiplies, allowing you to create anything you want, with a spirit of play and joy. When you seek power and control over others, you waste energy chasing the illusion of happiness.” ~Deepak Chopra

The above..... I know this and I am trying to get there. But I am not there. Once I get there I know this chaos will slip away. My problem is that I have a hard time not having walls up. And I am so fucking tired of these walls.

And now I will let it flow. I will not force it to be gone but will release it. I am looking for the good in my relationship with  him. i just wish that was my reality.

Burning Man 2012- Dusty AF

Burning Man 2012

I just returned from my now must go to annual trip to Burning Man.  This year was a very different vibe than last year for me. No less great just less of being in it.

We had an art car this year and I would definitely say that this gave a bigger social calendar so we spent more time passing by the beautiful art and not getting into the theme camps. 

What did I get? The beauty, the people. We got to spend time with our favorite people at Flattery Camp. Papa Jay and Crash. Those two are the most real and hospitable folks that I am so honored to have friended. If time permits this year, we will be seeing them off the Playa. 

Another memorable friend, also from Flattery Camp from 2011 is Jake. Love that guy. His presence brings fun and the perfect amount of snark to everything. I was grateful he is able to express that our mutual admiration towards each other still held up since we had last been together. (Those Brits can be so closed off) I had more time to talk to him and get to know him, but there is never enough time to do all of it. I hope to meet up with him before next year. I truly do.

This year we brought Seven Virgins (and a Nutcracker) with us. Risky to do, but overall, I am very happy with the outcome. I say that because I can be terribly selfish with my vacation and protective of my time with Ian. We had planned many months with the virgins. Everyone seemed to love it and now 'get' why BM is so special. 

We also had a great op to get to know Brett and Rich and the sometimes there, lil miss sparkle pony, Carolynn. 

Since I am closest with Brett and have 'known' him for many years now, I tended to hang with him more. I do get into a comfort zone and stay with what I know even though I crave new situations on a regular basis. Brett was really taking it all in. Thoughtfully and spiritually. He absorbed it and questioned it and dove in head first. He showed up fully and totally gave and received the spirit of the moment. He wins the virgin award. He never said no to anything, except pickle backs. Thank you Brett for showing up and sharing yourself. Thank you mostly for trusting me with going and letting be the witness to your moment. Love you.

Speaking of moments. There are so many that I am not going to cover here. On the social spectrum, we met these really great guys from Lake Tahoe. Grounded and real. I was especially surprised at the connection we made with all 3 of them. Not just a slap on the back, you guys are cool, but really a deeper level of a connection. They felt it too. We will def be getting together with them soon.

I wouldn't advise anyone to actually go to this place. It is a lot of work and time to get there and home. But I do know this. I love it. I can call it home.

  

Dickish Fuck

I am continuously being put in a place I dont want to be. I also try very hard to reset how I feel about situations and people and give it another go, if you will. I like to think it is a kind of forgiveness of sorts.

My question is, how many times do I have to do this? When I get that feeling again and agian, to me, it is clearly me knowing something intuitively. Why do I refuse to pay attention to that in order to please someone else? Seriously, I detest this feeling.

Whiny problem? I do not like, respect or value one of the BF's besties. Again and again this person has shown his ass or shall I say, he is an ass in almost every situation I am in with him.

Now, it is not that way when this person is sober. Add alcohol and "POOF" He is a fucking dick. There. It is out. The dick is out.

I have heard over and over that a "Drunk man's tongue is a sober man's mind" IF this is indeed true, then I will be trusting my gut on this one.

Father's Day

Happy Father's Day.  I was thinking about my dad this past week. I haven't seen him since July 23, 1988. He was 47 when he died. I was 21. Sadly, it is difficult to remember his voice. We didn't have a strong relationship but it was in no way strained. I was a wild teen and living life on my terms. I didn't share much of my life with my parents at that time. I was into my friends and BF and partying.

My dad, Roger, died of a massive heart attack. It was a Sunday and I got a call from my mom while she was doing CPR on him. I arrived just after the paramedics did and was greeted at the door by her. She knew he was gone. We went to hospital, where they pronounced him dead.

My sister and bothers where all gone for the weekend, due back any time. I had to track them all down and I told them what had happened. (Pre-cell phones) It all was very surreal.

I missed my dad for many long years. Who would walk me down the aisle? Who would my babies call papa? Would my mom be alone? Tough times they were for us all.

Not growing up close to my dad left me trying to figure out many things on my own, the hard way. I suppose that gave me more than my share of life experiences and lessons. We always lived away from family so I never really had grandparents in my life either. You see, my dad was an alcoholic until I was 11 and after he quit drinking was kinda just emotionally unavailable. He probably didnt know what to do with me as a teen. I have no blame or animosity. I have done my therapy and released those demons long ago. I firmly believe that you can't teach what you didn't learn. My dad was raised by alcoholics, I'm pretty sure that is why we rarely saw his parents.

I all these questions I had for him that I would love to find out now. I must say the years after my father's death I have been fortunate enough to have had other father figures in my life. Usually they were the dad of a man I was involved in. I also got lucky enough that my mother remarried a very down to earth man that I called my step dad, and still do for the last 18 years or so. I named my daughter Olivia Lee after him.

The family that my BF has is a real blessing in my life today. They have always been overly loving to me and my girls. They live 2000 miles away so we don't get to have a lot of family time with them, holidays, Sunday dinners, BBq's. I know I would love that and know my kids would too.

I guess father's day is about Family Day.  So happy family day to all of you missing your dad, appreciating your own children, being a father, having lost a child and embracing the love of a child. Be the best you. It is impacting someone. Leave your legacy of how you want to be remembered and become that person.

Make today count you'll never get it back.

Step kid, dads and families

I just got reamed with a doozy. My BF resents my kids. 7 years. I am really sad about this because i thought we were getting somewhere. I was wrong. Or at least I didnt want to see it or hear it. My girls are on summer break. Out of school 2 weeks. They are sleeping in, like he did as a teen. They get up and eat, like he did as a teen, they make plans with their friends, like he did as a teen. They do chores when asked, like he did as a teen. They ask for rides and money. like he.... they stay up late, like he... They dont go out of their way but they dont argue with us either. they are not perfect but they dont have to be. they are doing what teens do. They dont fight with each other. They don't lie. they dont use alcohol. They are just living life. And now I know they are making him unhappy. He is always unhappy when they are home and my heart is broken. because I owe my kids a happy home. they deserve it and so do I. FUUUUUUUUck new plan.

Dear Mom

Mother's Day 2012.

My god, have I ever been an emotional person the last few weeks. Let me start with I am free of drugs from the face thingy I did two weeks ago. So this emo disorder I have is here on its own time.

While off in precetville, I had a lot of time to think. I recently started watching the show Long Island Medium and I love it and I am a fan and I do believe that people have this gift. I am not asking for anyone's permission to believe in spirits or ghosts or angels. But I do.

My mom died about 4 and half years ago. After the year of aggressive cancer treatment (because doctors dont cure cancer. ) she lost. I was holding my mother's hand when she took her last breath. I have only been in the presence of two people that died. My dad, in 1988 and my mom in 2007. None of my siblings were present. I find this very odd that I was there with them both at the end of their lives. I have had a handful of encounters with my father's spirit the last one being in 2006 when Haley broke her wrist. That was really amazing. Not the break but the encounter. Still brings tears to my eyes...

So, since my mom died I never seem to feel her. I will have dreams that leave me happy/sad for days and every so often I will smell her perfume and I feel hugged by this. It also makes me miss her and hold my family a little tighter.

So watching this show obviously makes me want to ask her (my mother) to come see me, show me you are around. That is what I did when my dad died and then little signs would keep appearing. I asked now. And I received.

When my dad died my mom would listen to the song Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler. It always made her cry, I think it was pop music at the time and she said it helped her feel better because she felt like it had to do with my dad. I personally have a few songs that make me think of her and make me cry when I hear them.

This one by Pink: Who Knew



And James Taylor's Fire and Rain.

So in the last week I have heard these songs about 4 times each. I havent heard Wind Beanth my wings in years. I also was watching tv and the iPhone commercial about Siri was on. I said to the BF I want that. He said it doesnt work that way and so on. and I swear to GOD the next morning, I was checking my 8 different social media outlets and I came across a picture on instagram that is a screen shot that says: You are the wind beneath my wings. AND the caption says "Oh Siri, you make me blush"

I am not even fucking kidding.

This is after I have posted 3 or so pictures on FaceBook of my mom...

Today, I miss her very much. There just isn't enough time in this lifetime to learn all the lessons.

Dear Mom,

Thank you for coming to me this week. I still miss you and need you. I am counting my blessings. Please keep coming back. I know you are here now.

Until we meet again.
~M

Here is the blog I wrote about my dad from MySpace days- It was April 2007

My Spirit Guide, My Dad

Current mood:peaceful

I believe in ghosts. Maybe the same as people believe in aliens from outer space. Are they one in the same?

I have had a few spiritual encounters with the other side. I won't go into some of those today, but I will say that yesterday I had tremendous help from the otherside.

My daughter Haley (12), fell while roller blading on the street. She and Olivia (8) were out of school for the day because we were going to go to Rocky Point, Mexico. While I was taking shower, they wanted to skate. I told them to stay on our street and NOT to break anything as it would ruin our trip!!!

Not 10 minutes later, my little one comes in screaming MOMMY! Every mom knows that scream... you react, and she told me that Haley broke her wrist!!! So with that I haul ass out of the shower throw on Ian's shirt and run dripping wet down the street to help my baby.

I saw her 4 houses down and she was on her butt, she was holding her right arm up and, if you have ever been on skates, you know how hard it is to get up from skates, much less with a broken forearm. Anyhow, she just got up. I ran barefoot and when I reached her she was calm and she was apologizing and there was not one tear in her eyes.

We walked back to the house. I am calm she is calm, Livi is afraid. I am alone, basically naked, dripping wet and deciding in my mind, that this is not a head injury (good) and totally repairable and I need to ice her get the skates off, get her shoes, get her sisters skates off and grab some sweatshirts get my clothes on get her in the car because it is going to be a very long day.

Then I felt it. I was not alone, it was my dad. He was there, with her keeping her calm, keeping me calm. I saw him. He was by her side and sitting next to her holding her safe. In that moment, I knew that he helped her get up from the street with her broken wrist, she did it so effortlessly. I knew that was where I got my reaction to move into a clear action and make decisions.

My dad died 19 years ago, suddenly, of a heart attack. He was 47. I was 21. I dont think about my dad as often as I used to, but I do talk to him when I need to ask for guidance. I have always felt a spirit presence everywhere I have been. And I have lived many places. I always knew it was him.

I've missed you. It was good to see you again, dad. Thank you for your help, I really needed it and it was great not to feel alone. I've always known you were near.
Haley is doing well, she spent the night in the hospital, she had a compound fracture and is recovering well.

Expectation

I have been on percocets all week from a thing I did last saturday. I am unconcerned about my typing or misspells or any of the other stuff i just dont care to bother with. I am not on them now but I should be. but that has nothing to do with anything. other than i have been rather stoned and mellow and a lot of time to myself these last seven days. I currently feel like i am a bit of a cry baby baskety type case right now. I am really trying again to make all the people around me really happy. but it is not ever working in my favor as long as I keep my mouth shut and keep the walls HIGHer than me. the stupidest thing is I am just being myself and trying to be more present and a better listener. I guess I just dont know how I will ever do it to gain any sort of last effect or is it affect I dont ever get that word right... i wish i didnt always have to ask but i do i hate asking becuase when i ask i am told i am complaining. since when does anyone read minds.? .... what ever. who really cares.

We did it.

Awe Burning Man. I am starting to feel it as it gets closer to arrival. The dust, the sounds, the lights, the sights. The new friends to meet. There is not anything common about what you think it might be, but it will be nothing of which you thought it would be. Burning man is personal. It takes you to another level of peace, friendship, expectation, hope and love. It opens your mind to people, to fun and mostly to joy. When Ian and I went to burning man, we had talked about going for about 5 years. We finally bought tickets in January 2011, probablly at the very lowest time in our relationship. As you know I moved out of our home in May of 2011. I was determined to go without him, I didn't know how i would but my pride told me not to miss it. Even after I moved, we stayed together. We worked out a lot of problems. We talked about going, about not going about maybe waiting to go, after all we were in a fragile state of mind. We had handfuls of reasons not to attend. Late June of 2011, we had determined that we wouldnt be attending Burning Man in 2011, too much to prepare for, nothing to offer, no money, blah fucking blah blah blah. Then one day I was reading a blog about Burning Man. And the blog http://blog.burningman.com/2011/07/tales-from-the-playa/little-stories/ came up, and this was my comment to it: NicePeace Says: July 8th, 2011 at 4:57 pm That moment you realize you have never been to the Playa was about to sell your ticket, and starting reading these moments with tears in your eyes and wondered how you could miss it again this year. I will be there for new moments. THIS is my right of passage! Peace Read that blog. It will delight and encourage you and bring you alive and you will feel it. I mean FEEL it. And reading it now, after going and after all this time I still FEEL it. I shared it with Ian and we both agreed, there was no way we were going to miss it. We locked arms and we made it happen. We had a mission and reason and WE needed it for the sake of us. Burning Man changed me. It changed Ian. It SAVED us. Yes. It saved us from each other and from others. It taught us who we were meant to be and act on that. It taught me that he is enough for me and that others add a rich dimension to our lives. To my life. For the rest of my life I would be perfectly content to share this week with only him. It added that much to my life with him. I learned to not label people yet to trust myself and my instincts. I learned to be honest and ask for what I need and clearly state my boundaries with respect that this isnt always just about me. I learned that we all have said and done hurtful things and come through those times as better people. Not one of us is without a regret or sorrow we wish we could undo. Burning man will push you. It will teach you. It will swallow you whole. It will give you what you didnt even know you wanted. It will take the best of you and bring it forth to your every day living. And the BS will slide away and you wont even notice or give a fuck. Burning man is a chance to discover that only YOU limit your highest good and only you know what that is. Burning man taught me respect. To respect me, you, life, love, boundries, support, community, family and that we can make a differeince in someone's world no matter how small. It gave me faith in people. Burning Man isnt about partying in the desert, getting shit faced and being a troll. I think it is about becoming bigger than you thought you could be, to you or your spouse or your kids or your family or to a homeless person that needs help. When you give you get. I dare you to look people in the eye starting now and ask them what makes them happy. Start a conversation. Get to know someone. Step out of what you know and be uncomfortable. Your world will expand because of it. Ian, I cant wait to be home with you again. I truly cant wait to see you experience the joy I know you have for it. I cant wait to be on the MOJP and see your pride in the gift your are giving. Being there with you is my joy and I love you. t

Okay, I am listening

Dear Universe:

I have been listening to your signs, which brought me here today. I can no longer deny that I am stumbling and need a clear direction of how to get my new service out there. I have had amazing success with starting my business 2 1/2 years ago but it is time to expand and grow professionally, personally and spiritually. Help me get clear with where to begin and how to expand with the right people and remind me how to trust ME again.

I need the right people that can help me sharing knowledge and by putting the clients that will serve this need. I love the happy generous and repeat clients. I want the clients that love how they feel and respect my time and creative vision. I would love the schedule that works with my family and my personal life as well. Remeind me that I deserve to be successful and I deserve abundance. I let this go now with the knowing that you will come through.

I will continue to work in this direction with an open mind that is generous and light hearted. I feel very blessed in my life and will continue to donate my services to those in need. I am so grateful for my family, health and work.

Comprehend this....

I went to bed to this post from my oldest daughter. She posted it on Facebook.

"My friend's mom died today, leaving her with no biological parents, just her step-dad and brothers. As sad as it is, it makes me appreciate my mom, dad, and step-dad more than ever. I don't know what I would do without my parents. Even though they have rules, and say "no", I can't even comprehend the fact that one day they won't be here. Love your parents shitheads"

I cried. I am in a big fat cry baby mode right now. I am holding tightly to my loved ones and feeling really proud of the joy they are adding to my life. I love that my girls are friends with each other, me, the BF and their dad. Note: I am not trying to BFF my kids, they no the parent child boundaries and respect them without eyerolling.

Prior to this post, we had been in San Diego for the weekend. Had a great time with the kids, with the BF, with met Brett and Kimmie and I felt a great sense of unity with me family.

Haley's friend's mom had breast cancer. And now she is gone. I feel a great sadness for anyone one that loses a parent but there is something that breaks my heart about anyone not even 20 losing a parent. I have wondered about that passing moment of "what if?"

What if something happened to me would my girls be equipped enough to get by? I like to think so but then my daughter said she doesn't know how she would go on if she lost me. I remembering my own mom telling me when I was a new mom that we are our children's life. Losing us is their number one fear. 

I would say that is a parents number one fear, Losing a child. 

I hope and know my daughter would go on. I know this. But when I reversed that statement.... I dont know if I could go on. I would but what a hole in the heart and soul that would leave.

Until then Love your parents, shitheads. And love your kids with a big fat teary hug and tell them you dont care who is looking.

I miss their sweet young innocence. But I am happy to report, Both my kids say they arent moving out until they are 30. Maybe they really do love me.