Nice Peace of Buddhy

Forty-Fucking-Five

2012-02-16T11:57:00.000-08:00

Hello new year. New age. New Kate Spade happy b-day present to me. New boobs. Ok the boobs arent so new, but my attitude is, all days but tuesday. I seem snappy on tuesdays. But this has nothing to do with that, only that tomorrow I will be 45.

Well that isnt the happiest thing to ever write. but i am glad to be able to have a chance to get older and hopefully better with time.

Things I will and/or wont do when I am 45.

1. Pussy- I wont get a cat. I will never pick my destiny as a cat woman. I like men and women who talk of this nonsense make me want to throw-up. Not to say I dont like to pet the kitty now and then.

2. Wrinkles- I have them and dont admire them, Botox is my friend. Yes I botox and I love it. I fucking love that little needle.

3. Heavy B- I dont exercise and I am not looking like I dont. (<--- wtf?) I will do some of that here and there. But really I want to eat all the things i am not -s'posed to.

4. 40 hours- too bad, not doing it.

5. Apple- I promised myself I will go east at some point this year. NY with my kids before xmas. A sound plan.

6. Sex- Get it, give, it, smell it, do it, sell it, pay for it, no holes barred.

7. Nudity - Wash my face before I go to bed. Sleep naked.

8. Sweat - nothing. it will happen regardless.

9. Speak - learn a big word that means very little but sounds smart. Use it on FB.

10. Phone - Use it more and not just the features it provides.

11. Cash - Save it, spend it. use it, fret not about it.

12. Language - Swear more, but only when talking with an accent.

13. Meals - More shit sandwiches for everyone.

14. Charity - Give more, time, head, clothes, patience. People like to receive.

15. OMG - Either no acronyms or more, IDK yet.

16. Be - free, me, she, totally, awesome.

Boom.

Some What What

2012-02-13T14:53:00.000-08:00

I feel like writing but have a all this debris floating around my head.

So I will ask just answer these

When was the last time you tried something new?
It has been far too long, I got all new make-up but that is more like a treat to myself. Not really relevant at all. More like a treat... I went to Burning Man and that was new and now I will do it again and it wont be new. So I will try a new restaurant this week and try something new and will plan a trip before summer and go somewhere new.

Who do you sometimes compare yourself to?
This a question that to answer honestly is torture. So I am going to skip this questions and realize that I will work on never doing this again.

What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
Grow with your kids. And it is true. It taught me to see them as individuals and assume I always know everything as a mom. Now that they are teens I have learned to accept the place they are and know that they wont always be in this place, good and bad.

What gets you excited about life?
New experiences. The idea of sharing my soul with a trusted person and feeling valued. Being with like minded people and looking forward to learning new things. And a good fucking massage.

What life lesson did you learn the hard way? Nothing pops in my head. But in reality, I have had a pretty good life. Yes, I have had my share of loss and hurts, but accept the pains to be able to appreciate the good now..

What do you wish you spent more time doing five years ago?
Not worrying so much. Following through, not being controlling. Having the guts I have now.

Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
I believe my questioning gets me into trouble. People dont want to be truthful. they want to pretend that all is fine and looking inside and revealing it is threatening. I have learned to not ask improtant questions to people that dont have a daily role in my life.

What’s a belief that you hold with which many people disagree? Parenting. I believe it is better to be a role model and give positive consequences than to have a the do as i say, not as i do. That is so 1970

What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago? Stand up for myself. Walk away when I dont want to but know I need to. Not feel guilt or apologize because it is expected. I can do it when it is truthful.

No Big.

2012-02-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

I know where I want to go but dont know how to get there. Always so complicated. I have been working really hard on life. Not in a exhausting way just a conscious, thoughful way. I am living in the now, letting go and visualizing my outcomes. I fuck up, I look at me and try not to blame and forgive myself and whatever else is involved and seriously release it.

Is it working? Most of the time but when it doesnt, I stew in it, sometimes for days.

SO. What's going on lately? Work, kids, life. Planning vacations, talking about working out, sleeping a lot.

February is my b-day month as well as many other awesome Feb-quarians- Another day in the month. For me, I have a Bday, V- Day and an anniversary within 6 days of each other. With that come pressure for the BF. Financial and the pressure of performing and being unique. I have always said that these are all separate events and if My bday was in Arpil and our anniversary in June, We would not neglect these celebrations.

Why are there so many men anti- Valentines day? Really? I believe when a man complains about doing something for the woman he loves on a day of love he really is just selfish. I am not putting a price on this simply putting thoughtfulness and genuine feeling into it. So many people bitch and moan about giving to someone they claim to love on Vday. I say, step out of your comfort zone and surprise the hell out of the one you like to 'do it' with. There are plenty of inexpensive things to privately plan in the bedroom that are fun for both people. When someone I know complained about it being a stupid holiday, I figure why even bother now. So I wont.

Ahh. The anniversary. 7 years. I have been bold enough to tell the bf that I want a ring. I dont need a diamond. I cant wear it with the work I do. About 4 years ago, he said he thought about it but is afraid I will throw it at him... That makes my ringless finger sad. It isnt like I want to get married so the ring is a symbol not a future divorce waiting to happen. Yesterday I reminded him that he has never bought me a piece of Jewelry. He said " You dont wear Jewelry."

I will take that as a no anniversary celebration will be forth coming. Why even bother now? So I wont.

Life goes on. So what, I dont need to celebrate Vday or my 7 year anniversary.

Next goal. No expectations will lead to no let downs.

They are Just Boobs.

2011-12-23T06:09:00.000-08:00

I have been hearing a lot of boo-hoo about the holiday bs. Merry Christmas, happy holiday, season's greeting, happy Hanukkah.

This post isnt about any of that. This post is about me. Which all my posts are, being that it is why bloggers blog.

I really try to write witty funny stuff. But it doesnt come when I am sitting here. My stuff is usually a bit deep. I need to expel the babble or it is a broken record in my head.

I love this time of year. I love giving to my family and sharing meals and planning stuff with friends. I love going shopping among the complainers and wrapping gifts and fudge. I enjoy trying to give to people and xmas really is about the gifts. Wait? What?

It is and it isnt. But that is my contribution to it in my family. I dont decorate because I hate the after clean up. We have a Charlie Brown tree. Lights, kids ornaments and Target bulbs. I love buying gifts for my kids. I dont really buy them a whole lot during the year other then them having their basic needs met. They try for more in, say, March, but they get nothing.

But this year, I have been very reflective outside of the gifts. Of course it is only in my own head. Currently that thing is secure and in a good place.

I have had one hell of a roller coaster year. Emotionally draining. The upside is that nothing horrific or life threatening happened but the events had very stressful and lasting worry.

Status update: I am loved.

That was easy. When I start to ponder and fret and conjure bs in my head I first say that. I am loved. Then decide what action to take.

The boobs title, you ask? I just dont get the fuss about boobs.

Keep it simple.

The Courage to be a Witness

2011-12-14T07:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I read a truly inspiring blog. This is a part of that blog. I didn't write it but to me, it is worth sharing. Read the entire blog here:

Enjoy.

In 2004 a film was released called Shall We Dance?

“We need a witness to our lives.”

“There’s a billion people on the planet…I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything—the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things—all of it, all the time, every day. You’re saying, ‘Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed, because I will be your witness’.”

I have remembered that little scene from the moment I saw it to this sliver of time that I call Right Now. And I have seen that it takes courage to give a particular level and a special kind of meaning to another person’s life by being there through all of it. It takes courage and unbelievable commitment, because being there for all of it means just that: being there for all of it. It means missing nothing. Not even (and perhaps especially) the things you wish you could miss. It means holding the space for everything that is occurring—including that which is reoccurring.

Life is a repetition. It is the same thing over and over again, in different settings and different ways. Sometimes in the same settings in exactly the same way. And so, in order to be a witness to someone’s life, one has to have endless patience for repetition. Indeed, one has to have endless patience for everything. Because seeing another person every single day of your life means seeing The All of Everything. There is nowhere to hide, nowhere to run.

Ultimately, nothing is secret, nothing can be held back, nothing can be glossed over without finally being found out. Every fear, every trepidation, every insecurity is revealed. Every scar, every past mistake, every childhood injury is uncovered.

And perhaps most difficult of all, very little, after a while, can be said for the first time. Nearly every conversation is in some way a repeat of something that has been said or observed or remembered before. And the longer the marriage, the more this is surely true. And so we must have endless patience for the things Already Said; for the story Already Shared; for the joke A-Hundred-Times-Told; for the regret A-Thousand-Times-Visited.

Yet probably the most challenging aspect of marriage is that it asks us to witness the going downhill of our Beloved. Not just the aging process specifically, but also the larger process by which life’s very activities reduce themselves as time goes by.

The kids grow up and leave the house. Interests change. Retirements occur. A couple is right back where it started when it all began—except now there is nowhere to go. The future is not filled with bright anticipation, the days bring few surprises, and there is precious little to “shoot for.” And if waning health sends one of the partners downhill, fear and dread can set in as the healthier of the pair awaits the inevitable.

Yet when the inevitable comes, there is a reward—there is. And it is a rich reward for both. For one can look into the eyes of the other and know that a life has been seen. It was not all imagined. It was witnessed. Someone was watching and someone was affected. And someone saw how the other was affected. Each saw the other’s tears. Each heard the other ’s laughter. Both joined in both.

No really important experience was held in solitude.

We need a witness to our lives.

But it takes great courage to be a Witness.

So turn to your Witness today and say, “I will treasure you always for what you are giving me. Because you are, I am.

And while you’re about it, say the same thing tonight to God.

Love, Neale.

Beautiful Strangeness

2011-12-09T13:53:00.000-08:00

Sooooo, I finally got through to the ex. Rather I let the kids dad know how his life affects his kids. I let him know that they are upset and hurt by his lack of fathering. I let him know that he lost his connection with them. I let him know that they always say "It doesn't matter" when it comes to his let downs. I let him know that all this time is gone. And he agreed. And he reached out. And he started a face book. And he is listening and he is not saying things that he thinks they want to hear. And it has only been a week. But it is a start.

And he sent me this:
hey, thanks for setting me straight. I just had a great time with olivia on line and the phone. thank you for caring maureen, you are a great person. the only thing is i wish is that you did not have to set me straight. thanks again

In other news. I love christmas shopping. And electric blankets. And hot salsa. And planning vacations. And I ate at this place called Cornish Pastie Co. Fuck. So good.

I went to one of the only Barnes and Nobles in the area today. My daughter wants a book for xmas. I saw an old couple walking to the door. They were about the age of my mom and dad. My moment of sadness and longing made me appreciate NOW. Just being able to be alive and have love and food and be able to give. It made me slow down. and smile at people and look them in the eye. Ever notice that nobody says hi? We all stand next to each other and act as if no one is there. I'm going to be be the weird one and talk to you.

I see this one guy walk his three dogs everyday. But he is just standing on the side walk. One of the stupid dogs just barks at everything moving. I would Ceasar Milan that dog and 'Sht' that annoying dog in the throat. Then I would tell that dumb guy that he is the problem. What the hell are people thinking? I have two chihuahuas. They dont bark at anyone. they are calm and know their place. Every dog can be taught.

I still havent worked-out in 5 months.

I work a kick ass job thanks to me.

I am slightly less crazy although I have been worrying more about people.

I have been setting a daily goal.

I truly dislike cold air.

I also despise the media lately. I was watching the news and it had some segement on the to 11 things that changed us in 2011 or something and it literally started talking about charlie sheen. OMG! WTF? I had to yell at the TV and I just couldnt watch another moment of BS.

I have way more gray hair than I care to admit. That in itself serves no purpose. Of course I dye my hair. Unless you look great with gray hair every woman should budget for a great dye job. Thing is, they are always wiry and course. moving on.

My youngest daughter told me a friend of hers confided in her about a boy that has stressed her out and she is now cutting herself. I dont know this young girl but she is talking to her and encouraging her to talk to her mom. Oy! these kids.I will keep following up. I keep learning I can only help someone that wants help. Kids do such a good job of keeping silent about serious stuff...

I am going snowboarding at the end of the month.

My 16 year old is turning 17 on the 15th.

Gratitude, Smatitude

2011-11-29T10:52:00.000-08:00

Im going to dig in on the grateful blog. I feel I am bursting with some intense feelings that need to be released.

I moved back into the home I have with the BF. This was planned a few months ago. The six months I lived away were good for me. They were good for us. Healing, growing and changing. We had a lot negative emotions to overcome. We had nothing to lose and laid it all out on the table. Life goes on. This man is my family. My rock. My expectations didnt help us. There are his things that didnt either. But I have learned one of the most important lessons. Forgiveness. I feel I have gained another chance to do things better. All these things are good.

My kids are embracing this move. Our family dynamic has changed again but it is under control in the boundaries we have set. Moving out showed me what I am capable of. It showed me my strengths. And being gone allowed me to do the work and see me for what I am and what I have.

On a sadder note, My girls have a few friends that they know and know of that have recently died. Young men. The idea of losing a child is such a painful thought. It brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart ache thinking about these kids and their parents. Really is a heart breaking time. And forcing me to realize our mortality and the many joys I dont always appreciate.

I hate to use cliches` but life is so short and every year I hear people say, where has the time gone? I hear my kids saying that now. Really and truly let go of the past and love now. It is all there is. Hug your kids. Say I love you often.

Miss my mom and family. I am now going on 2 years of not speaking to my younger brother. I so miss his family and him. It is sad that he doesnt want to let the past go. My older brother had a period of having his hours cut and has basically had a rough time catching back up. I have been sending some money to him here and there but feel unable to save the world or even my immediate family...

I truly am grateful for the love and life I have everyday. The people I surround myself with bring immense joy into my world. But I feel like there is very little I can do to help or save others. I crave to do this but dont know how or where to start. I have found that, like with any person you can help someone but you cant change someone. I have control issues with this. I want to do the good deed, get the thanks and hear "you made me see the light". That is pretty ridiculous to think I deserve this.

Lately, with watching the news, I am so saddened to see these sex scandals, affairs, bullying, homelessness and hungry people. How can we have hungry people?! I dont understand why I feel this burden right now. I wont sit and do nothing.

I have recently or at least over the last few years learned not to complain or feel that my kids and home are a burden. I do not wish the days away or hate my work. Having teens are hard and trying at times but goddamn I am so in love with my girls. Every so often I feel taken for granted and I freak out. I just want to feel loved in my world and after my freak out I find that I am doing and giving what feels right to me but still crave and miss the unconditional love and thanks either verbally or physically from those I give it to. I am learning not to have to trade all good deeds and appreciate the little things that I lovingly receive from those in my life. I guess I want to expand that and even though I want to be anonymous I want to give more as I know there is so much more in me that can make a difference.

I guess I have a new year of resolutions to consider. And another year to live and love.

All of it... is Rubbish.

2011-11-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

Seems I have been bombarded with a lot of relationship issues of late.

A lot of my male clients are talking and telling me very depressing things. Things I have been through and heard of and seen in my world and the world around me. It is common. It is life. And it is not going to end by me writing this silly blog.

But it sucks to know of all these things. And of course I am a hypochondriac that has all these symptoms to this rare and incurable disease. Commitment.

I am a committment fool. I love being in a relationship. I have been in one since I was about 14. Well, I have been in several since then, but have had very little down time without a man. I like men. They are much easier to live with, dont talk as much, dont take your clothes or make-up or hair products. They just want to eat tasty food, have a few cocktails, use the remote and have their penis' touched. (and we all know about the penis's needs)

Why. WHY? Are so many people unsatisfied? In love and home life? I think we fall in love and get married and have a family and it is hard to have a family. And maybe even do these things for the wrong reasons.

I felt that way, the 'prove it, if you love me' way. What a mistake that would have been had they called my bluff. I have felt that way to even put a timeline on the big C and threatened the end of a relationship if it didnt go that way. Which makes no sense whatsoever. If you love someone you cant really stop just because there hasnt been a promise of "I Do"

I have been that woman that wanted to be married. Although it was long ago. And even before I was ever engaged the 1st time.... I have, by the grace of my own goddessness, realized that marriage is truly a state of mind. Or is it?

It is and and maybe it isn't. When people go through the ritual of getting married, the ceremony of a commitment, they have established a promise and worked through a big and often stressful event together. This can give an open view into how couples handle various things that wedding planning creates. I often think that any sort of wedding info should always start with, "Plan your marriage with as great of detail as you plan your wedding".

I have seen the unhappy relationships. With a few questions, it is easy to figure out why people become unhappy. My assumption would put about 98.9% at a communication breakdown. Over time creating serious resentment and a passive aggressive household.

My opinion is that we have either not learned how to speak in honest ways and/or learned to have discussions that solve issues.

There are things that are difficult to talk about. Money is one of them. It is very stressful when one or both partners have fears about money. That is a conversation that must be honestly brought to the table and worked out. New goals have to be set when changes happen. We are all going through changes right now.

Sex is another topic that is difficult when one person is not showing an interest in sex. We all know that men and women are different in so many ways. I think if the woman in not fulfilling her role in the bedroom, there is a reason. (it is usually the woman) Communicate. Ask questions. Listen. FIND a solution. Whether this discussion takes an hour or a month. Then work at it daily

Sadly, I dont know if I believe forever exists. I think it is possible. But very rare. So I will keep on communicating and asking for what I want and show my willingness to compromise and solve problems. It is a two way street.

I can do this.

2011-11-06T18:07:00.000-08:00

I know I brag about my kids all the time. I also complain about how hard it can be.

Today I miss people being present. I miss the presence that family bring to everyone. I miss my sister and my brothers. I miss mom so much right now. It is difficult to be the sole provider and always expect and hope the I can pretend that I am doing this parent thing okay. It has been a rough couple days of grasping at straws acting like I have all the answers. Jesus. I don't. I crave the familiarness of family even if they are also crazy in their own way.

I have my side of the family in California and my girls dads family in Louisiana. We very rarely see any of them. When we were here in July visiting the old people, my daughter told me how much she loved it. I have fond memories of large family gatherings. I have never been able to show that to my girls over the years. Me and them.

I love the holidays. I hate them too.

Today I hate the holidays, but will never show those girls this inner struggle. I will push through and show them the massive love I have got them and remember that m ost of the time they are this way because of only me.

Typed from my phone and sorry about the typos

Why Yes, Please Change.

2011-10-20T08:20:00.000-07:00

I've written several posts that I have not published. Lucky for you....

Change. I find it tis the season and I am glad for it. Only problem is I still dont flow with it. I control it.

I become doubtful, suspicious and, well, controlling. Why? Because I have been let down and I keep believing in something that I cant change. I dont accept what is and fight it. The let down is in me for still fucking doing this.

I long for that connection. The closeness. The trust. The tenderness. I seem to only get that when I am perfectly doing everything right. I have no room to error...

I realize I am holding on so tight to my past that it brings so much fear in to the now and I worry about the future. My future and my girls future. I worry so much that I can barely live in the present. I have to check myself and live.

I think the problem is me waiting for those around me to follow through and make those changes as well. And I am wanting to control that. Urge it along. Because that is what is good for me. I want this with another so bad that I sabotage the present good....

Bottom line is; all this BS fuels my past insecurities. Or maybe I am just in denial of what my gut is telling me.

I read somewhere that maybe it isn't about trying to fix what is broken, maybe it is about starting over and creating something new.

Maybe it is time.

Having Kids Doesn't Make You a Father.

2011-10-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

This is my family. Olivia, 13. Haley 16. And me. This picture was taken August 2011.

August was officially the month I was divorced from their dad. That was in 2000. He has always made the choice to live away from us. In many cases, because that is where he found work. He always wanted to work hard to help support his kids. He never complained about child support. His job often had him working weekends.

So, living 1 to 3 hours away and working weekends caused him to be, more than not, a no show in their lives. Which has always been a let down for them.

I rarely complain about this. It is easier for "ME" for him to not be here. But being a parent isnt about me. My kids have virtually no relationship with him and havent since his move to Costa Rica, four years ago.

Here is where I am going to rant.

You might remember they went to see him in 2009 for the whole summer, 2 years ago. They all (him and the girls) resisted but I put my foot down and told him he needs to get to know them. He has never spent more than I week with them since I left and that is mostly sporadic and inconsistent at best. It was 20 months until the next time he saw them, becuase he "had to work" that was March 2011, TWENTY months later. Really? He was supposed to stay for 7 days but had to leave, for work, after 5. See where this is going?

Ok. here are the facts. He hasnt even paid child support since June 2009. (a little, here and there) But this isnt about that. It is that he Doesnt. See. His. Kids.

It is difficult to get him on the phone. (Costa Rica BS) When he says he will send money it is often 2 weeks later. His reason is the phones dont work the internet is down. blah, blah, blah... However he doesnt communicate with his kids. Not through the phone or email or facebook. When he was here in March 2011 he called his GF everyday. The kids saw this, yet hear him say, the phones dont work....

I emailed him and gave him their school schedule. Remarkably, he called me, full of excuses... (of course) Then finally called the girls. When they talk to him, he tells him about how hard he works and how the economy is bad for him, and that as soon as he can he wants to see them. (It has been * months to date) And then, He says "You guys should come here for Thanksgiving" Really? they have only 4 days off. Oh and they are, right now, on Fall break this week. Had he talked to them in say, July, he could have had them come to see him this week. My issue is he makes unreasonable plans that cannot be followed through. (my daughter lost her passport) 4 days is too short for them to go there and the cost of tickets and.....

When asking Haley about this, she said, the problem is is that he says it and then wont call back for another 3 months because he is too busy working or the phones dont work.... they know how it goes. I never say a word about it. I knew they would figure it out on their own.

We all have awesome kids. My girls are good people. My BF's friends, who dont have kids, enjoy being around my girls. They have good attitudes, they are funny, they like people and all around they are real people.

I never thought he would ever stop being a part of his kids lives. They have even said to me that if he is not making money there he might as well come here. At least he could be in our lives.... I mention that they should ask him to move here. You know what they say? We dont want to make him feel bad. So they take that sadness. I hope they never think that they did something to make him not want to be around.

It truly breaks my heart for them.

He may have fathered them, but Ian is acting, hands on, hugs and emoitional and financial support, homework, rides to the mall, lectures about boys, dinners, holidays, fix-it-guy... He doesnt even have kids of his own. But he is here making the sacrifices and I hope, this enriches all of their lives.

The Temple

2011-10-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

http://vimeo.com/28860525

I found this video. I believe it captures the amazing heart of the Temple at Burning Man 2011

Fight for it

2011-09-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

Relationships. Oh they are so difficult at times.

A couple that is very dear to me just broke up. I mean done, after 38 years. 38 years. How? I have many theories about this. But first my reaction is sadness. My own selfish sadness. I love both of these people, They are family. These family visits and holidays will never be the same and I will feel this loss during these times.

Everyone is saddened by this. The In-laws, children, parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and many friends. The person that was left is sad, angry, confused and hurt.

I believe the one that left had probably had many years of sadness and emptiness that lead to this break-up.

I am going to share a tidbit about what I have learned about being in a relationship. I am terrible at being unhappy. I hate it. When I feel unhappy I HAVE to change it. Usually unhappiness is internal, although it can be circumstantial. I have experienced both and both arent always immediately obvious.

I might go years feeling not quite happy in a relationship. Sometimes it is only months. But one thing I dont do, is remain silent. I do start to sweat the little things. Little things add up. Over many years, they pack on the extra weight just like many spouses do. Resentment, blame and disdain are horrible things to wake up to. I am not an easy person to live with. I have an idea about how I want my relationship to look. But the thing that stops my perfect scenario is my spouse and the way they might want a relationship. Oh yeah, compromise.

I totally resist that any problems might be me. I justify with blame; "if you didnt do this" or "if you would just do that" Such BS we feed ourselves. Typically after many years of being right, I tire and leave. Change the problem and life changes. Wait. um... yeah. The problem is that way of thinking all these years. I needed to change. But. Yes I said but. Both people have to be willing to fight it out. Fight for what they want and fight for change. I have been fighting with this guy for years. I am not fighting him anymore. I am fighting me. So I can change. But after 6 months of doing it, I am no longer resisting or fighting myself. I am accepting myself and deciding what I can do differently. We have a dialogue that happens quickly and lovingly. Weird.

One of the many reasons I have stayed here all this time? I love this guy. He gives more than I have given him credit for. He is not easy but he is a good person. Since I have let go of the need to be right (mostly) I can respect him more and have a more loving and accepting heart to not only him, but everyone in my life.

I dont want to remain silent and just walk out one day. I have done that. You have to ask for what you want. Just saying "That is who I am" is very limiting. Sure somethings are that way but If asking for what you want can make your relationship better and both people better in love and life, can that be so bad? Of course, I am talking about being reasonable in the request and kind and unselfish as well. But if there is one of the little things that you can change that brings harmony, you have to ask for it.

So, about this couple, I understand that she didnt ask for what she wanted and he didnt tell her to not do things that bothered him. They accepted each other right out of the marriage.

And people (women) you have to have a sexual relationship with your lover.Regularly. It is a must. And if not, it is a deal breaker. None of this once a month BS. If it is a Wednesday, do it. Yeah, I am tired too but I have asked for the things I want to get me to the place where I can wait to go to sleep. Men want it everyday. They think about it and they think about you. So men, make your woman want to be with you. Don't only go for the good parts, touch your woman everywhere. Love her body not just her naughty bits. And do it often.

Women need to feel connected for sex and men need sex just because they are simple. When we stop giving and getting basic human desires in relationships we will leave. We will sleep on the couch for years. We will avoid the very thing we want and in the end it hurts everyone.

The Gift

2011-09-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

I am not sure when it was that I had first heard about Burning Man. I also didnt know anyone that had actually gone to the event. So I never knew what there was to love about it or hate about it. I knew it was an interesting experience that one of these days would be something I would plan.

Wow. Burning Man is one of the best things that I have ever done. Our excitement to go was pure and childlike. As the time approached I was anxious to go "home" although I wasnt sure if calling it home was for me. Burners call the Playa "home" and well, I was open to the discovery that it possibly wasnt for me.

You see, I dont like crowds. There were over 50,000 people that were supposed to attend. What if all those idiots were hell raisers?

I dont like drunks. I heard it is a constant party.

People must like fire and things blowing up. That is usually a rowdy crowd. I am not into that scene at all. I am very chill.

So Monday, arrival day, I was giddy. Oh my. I couldn't wait to get out into the place. What was this Burning Man home thingy feeling that all the people talked about? What the fuck was the big deal? Holy my Jesus, this was not an easy trip to take. The principles of BM are to be totally self-reliant. Pack it in pack it out.

Fine. But an 18 hour drive there and no exchange of money and all these party people and dirt and stuff... what will we do there?

People. You can say all day long that you have absolutely no interest in BM. Camping, dust, heat, cold, wind, fire, crowds, driving.... blah blah blah it isnt your thing.

I will tell you this. It is your thing. If you opened your mind and your heart, if you let go of all judgment, let life unfold, if you lived in the very moment of now. You would love it. Not just for 7 days straight. Nah. You dont want to leave. You want to stay. Because it is home. There is no place like it. I got it and I get it.

You will never meet more amazing people, the people are there for you to have an experience. The people LIVE to give you a good time. This place is the way we all want to live. It is a gift. Our playa home neighbors talked more to us than the neighbors we lived by for over three years. We shared drinks and coffee and deep soul moments. We laughed and loved and hugged total strangers.

I feel my mind has always been open. But BM opened my heart. Wide open. I am a little more patient now and a lot more tolerant. I fucking loved every moment of the experience, the sounds, the lights, the sights, the love, the gift of home.

Until Burning Man is here again, I will practice what I forgot I knew. Home is what you make it. Home is a gift.

What Burning Man Was To Me

2011-09-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

This was our first time to be at Burning Man. We have talked about going for about 5 years. Burning Man is a big trip and huge commitment to undertake. The idea is to be self reliant for a week. Leave no trace. This is a non commercial event, therefore there are no vendors for food or drinks (you can get ice and coffee). We prepared for it by camping in an RV, food, alcohol, clothing and gifts. We paid $280 for a ticket and wondered what we would get. We also understood that "we" are the event. It isn't like a concert with a stage. You participate to make it an experience.

BM is held in the desert and is the largest temporary city in the USA and the 5th largest city in Nevada. Black Rock City or BRC. 2011 marks the 25th year of BM with over 50,000 burners. It sold out this year. For those people that have kinda 'heard' about it are often under the impression that is a hippie, dusty, firey, sex, drugs and rave in the desert for a week.

It can be that. But it is so much more.

Burning Man is:

A Vacation

Traveling

Patience

Arriving

Burning Man is about relaxing

There are rules to follow

There are activities to do:
Like Tennis

And Roller Skating

The Circus

Skate Boarding

Surfing

It is a playground

You can see big things and little things

There are places to go on a picnic

Sometimes you have to worry about things

Other times you can enjoy the tasty things around

and act like a child

Visit the ZOO

Get out of the sun

Take a moment to read

Burning Man is a great place to Meditate, pray and quiet the mind

And Let it all go

Or be NAUGHTY

If you like boating

Sometimes it's a big WTF?

There is a lot of Bicycling.

You can find public transportation

It is a place to call home

It wouldn't be Burning Man without the lights

or the fire

Or the ART

It is about The MAN

It's about the people

It's about us

It's about

Burning Man is

ImmediateTransitions

2011-09-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

I just returned from Burning Man 2011. I have a whole other post with pictures that will talk about just that trip. In the meantime, I learned some things I didn't expect to learn but asked to see. This grand universe is really listening.

This picture was taken at this event. This temple was built for this event and burned at this event. The enormous energy contained in it had an extreme powerful emotional impact on me. People are encouraged to let go in this temple. With 60,000 participants involved here, I found tens of thousands tributes, letters, pictures and personal items asking for forgiveness, trust, promises, hate, pain and sorrow, peace, love. I cannot express to you how the emotions swept over me and allowed me to weep. The moment you stepped in this amazing place, you felt it.

The oneness we all have is so undeniable. So many people would step inside and you could see the gratitude of spirit of people. There were vigils, tears, hugs, acceptance, chants and a feeling of love that you could smell, taste and feel.

The theme of this temple was called The Temple of Transition. So, I got my array of sharpie markers to add to the already adorned walls of endless letters that brought rivers of tears to my eyes. When I went to add my peace and requests, I froze. I questioned what I needed to let go of. So I stood there among the souls and I asked.

I asked my brother to forgive me and come back in to my life. I wrote that I hope I make a difference in my children's lives. I told my parents that I miss them. I asked for peace. I asked to be forgiven for my past actions. I asked for transition to find love and harmony. I thanked the people who made this temple. I apologized for my past and asked to be accepted. I asked for kindness and understanding. I prayed that some how he and I could make it.

I gave my pens away. There were many other spirits needing release. I found that I wanted to return to the temple during the 7 days I was there. It really left me speechless. And then it Burned. And a new one will be put in its place.

As most of you readers (the 5 of you...) know, I am not a good listener to the endless signs I receive. I don't go with the natural order of things even though I claim to. I rebel and resist. I know what it feels like to feel hate. I actually hate the feeling of it yet believe that everything has its opposite. These opposites teach us and then allow us to make a choice. I have made choices that had painful and hurtful outcomes. It is what it is.

My transition came to me much sooner than I thought it would. After such I beautiful week I was able to see through the wall of pretense. I felt hate. As a giver and as a receiver. This came as a surprise to me. It is difficult to pretend it is okay and accept someone who turns on you. It is shameful to feel the violent outbursts I have when the abusive name calling starts. I dont know what love looks like today. But I will rediscover the beauty of it with a soulfully loving spirit that wants to trust and let go. Grow and empower. Support and learn.

My temple has burned and the ashes have blown away. Time to clean up the mess and rebuild my beautiful temple where love grows and peace comes.

Peace.

No Blame Just Shame

2011-08-18T08:44:00.000-07:00

Several years ago I was a whole person. Full of love and hope and passion. After my second divorce, my soul searching lead me to love myself. I was expanding in life, meeting new people and challenging myself to do new things. I knew I had issues but had gone a different and positive route. I felt lovable and ready to give love to another whole and healthy, expanding man.

I was eager to add to someone's life and eager to be in a mutually respectful loving relationship. I have a lot to offer. I am a dedicated, witty and open minded person that knows a little about a lot and tries not to have a know-it-all-attitude.

But something happened along the way, early on. I trusted too much and gave too much and wanted too much. I was told I was in a mutual relationship. But I wasnt. I was willing to not be in the realtionship because it. didnt. feel. good. I was quickly reassured with words. Words and actions werent the same.

With out reliving the dirty details, I felt a lot of hurt and felt deceived on many levels. I began to not trust. I began to resent. I began to feel insecure about who I was. Again and again. For many years.

There is saying " Fool me once shame on you, fool me again, shame on me." hell, maybe it is something different. Like 'Lie to me once' or something else unappealing. Whatever it is, it kept happening. I kept wanting to leave and I kept being reassured with empty promises.

Fast forward 4 years. The behavior of the deceit stopped, mostly, but my resentment and insecurities continued and festered. I was angry. I lost me. I became notably co-dependent, (cringe) and down right mean and bitchy to the object causing this pain. I became a woman I didnt know and more of one that I didnt like. My story is tired. I am tired and he is tired.

Major changes are underway. I moved out to take a break. I lost my home and the life I was trying so pathetically and desperately to have. I still grieve this loss. I am resisting these life altering changes. I have found forgiveness, but I still have the pain and insecurities. I accept the past. Just like I accept that my mother died, but at times it still makes me terribly sad when I think about it.

I wonder if I will ever move on while I am still with him. Trust must be earned. And the past must be let go of. Fear must be released. I need to reach in and find that whole person I was. The new person I am. That amazing woman that is doing it all with no one to depend on. She is in there and I suspect she will blossom again with the beauty she has never let go. I wonder if you will notice before I fly away.

Matters

2011-08-10T08:58:00.001-07:00

What matters is that we take the deadness of the soul seriously; that we pay attention to the heart; that we ask the hard questions, and fearlessly face the hidden parts of the self. What matters is that we shine the light of consciousness in the dark corners of our life.

What is not brought to consciousness, comes to us as fate ~Carl Jung

Soul Liberation

2011-08-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

I recently read a blog with this paragraph.

A woman who is on a yogic path understands that souls want what souls want and that a relationship is meant to be a place where those desires can be expressed without shame or guilt. This can make her seem like she has the potential to be so free-spirited that she just wants to be free-wheelin, free-loadin and free-lovin her way around the world. Not so. A yogic-minded woman simply understands for herself that we are all here to be each others teachers and students and that there is no better place for the expression of that dynamic than in a loving partnership.

I am a woman that understands that souls want what souls want and that a relationship is meant to be a place where those desires can be expressed without shame or guilt. Why Do I constantly fight the ebb and flow of my desires? Well, namely, I try to make others happy and find that I am unable to be responsible for anyone. I do contribute to my family's well being, whether it is physical or emotional. At the same time I fight my heart and my mind.

I want to jump in the river and go with the real flow that my un-liberated soul is begging for. I will get there I just have my foot on the shore. I am ready for people that are positive and loving and crave a deeper meaning in their lives, a connection of the mind and heart. I am ready to let go of the past and the people and things that no longer serve my soul. That are too small minded to open their own hearts. I am ready to learn that my way isnt the only way just another way to hear what the universe is telling me but what people in my life dont 'get' about me. I want to feel no shame that I have insecurities and issues that even I dont understand and know how to get rid of. My intentions are good, yet when I am living fearfully I tend to put a wall up and hide from those demons that keep reminding me that something is 'wrong' with me.

It is difficult to live in a life monitoring every thought and feeling. I have a hard time filtering what I say. People dont like to know someones truth. It makes it feel like confrontation. It feels like others need and want to fix you. Why is it so hard to say "Today sucks and I need a hug"? Why can't people relate to REAL life?

I guess I dont need to know, I just need to be. I will only be the one you told me to be. I will continue to hide what you dont want to see. And why does this scare me?

Because I still want a partnership. And I want to go home.

Why not now

2011-07-29T21:52:00.001-07:00

Forgiveness is about giving.

I went to see several family members I haven't seen since my mom died. Almost four years.

I miss these people, my family. I miss holidays, birthdays, BBQs connecting and relating. I miss knowing someone is around the corner, down the street, a short distance just to feel at home.

Im trying to feel at home and once again feel like I am waiting. Waiting for life to begin if only this or that was going on. So CD.

I wish they would only love and forgive each other. I imagine they want the same but I am sure the legacy of foolish pride gets the better of them.

I drove across the Mojave desert not once, but twice. I released my pride all the way there. On the way back I let go of the past and hurts and fear. I decided it is time to love myself enough to forgive the past. Not for them, for me. Im selfish like that.

Hmmm. Pretty lame.

2011-07-29T21:28:00.001-07:00

I try really hard to be that fun party girl without the addiction and hangover. I have a very social and talkative side and a very chill side. If I am not super woo-hoo im super chill.

Im craving a new experience and new opportunity to explore worlds of excitement. I just have the daily life of being in the company that appreciates it.

My relationships are important to me. Small talk is important. It allows you to learn about people. So.betimes I like a deep and soul moving talk that relates to human nature, laughter, tears, and day to day life as well as hope and desire. People move me and motivate me. I have made it a point to be only around people that add substance to me life.

Im just not sure that I give the same. I think I'm one-sided and barely give what I want. Those aren't my intentions.

Lighten up. Be still.

Organ Meat

2011-07-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

I probably come to this page once a week. "New Post" and I sit and stare at it. And wonder what I have to say. Then I type type-y about ten different things. And click "X" and go on.

There are tons of things going on right now. No drama about any one event so I guess nothing needs to be talked out. I have been focusing on being grateful for the good I have and trying to change my common blame when things aren't so happy.

For some time now there is a number that is in my life everywhere I turn. 44. I see that number everywhere. I see it most when life is most challenging. I must say that this has been a rather life changing year for me. In so many forms.

I moved a few months ago after a much need separation from the BF. However that turned into us living apart. At first it was very unwelcome. I fought it like I do when I cant control something. Then I let it go. And found peace. and found me. I took and I am taking the time to relearn how to be in a relationship. It is an impossible task. You cant relearn it. You have to change. And all change is- is growth. and I am growing. but that isnt a big deal. I have always grown and will continue.

I find that I want to label this life and organize it so it fits. And as much as I have grown I have also held on in fear. Fuck fear. I am still paddling upstream. I read an eye opening book about detaching. Not to let go of responsibility but to let go of expectations. I have the hardest time with that.

I am alone here. I am solely responsible for raising 2 young women that will be well adjusted and contributing in society. 2 women who have compassion, passion, common sense, an open mind yet a strong sense of self. But ... I am not practicing to always be a good role model. Sometimes I want to be an adult and make choices that allow me to experience life. But I have people looking at me. Life is for living and I am not without doing what I want. I am quite blessed with the free time I have as a single parent.... (this is where I would delete the whole post)

ADD kicked in. New subject.

I am here to unload. That is what this blog is about. But I am so tired of my tired story. So new info. I had two surgeries this last week. I had some major dental work done and had breast surgery. Yes both elective, but both HAD to be done. I thought I recovery period would do. It had come down to health and I have been healing all week. I will be off the next week as well. My work is too physical to return to. I have been super bored and cannot even look at the TV for another second. I am tired of FaceBook. I am bored with Twitter. My procedures were Monday and Tuesday and by Wednesday holy crap, get me outta here.

ADD again....

Limbo. I cant exercise for another 2 weeks. As infrequently as my workouts are, I miss them. It might just be the rebel in me being told 'no'. I like my options open. For the next few months my diet is restricted as well. Being totally an able bodied woman, it is not an easy change for me. But I am prepared for it. Except I seem to be complaining about it now. Reality is, I am grateful I was able to get the support I needed to deal with these issues. I am grateful that I could financially prepare for the time off and pay for what I needed to. I am thankful that my kids understood and helped and are helping me. Asking for help does not come easy for me. The BF was essential in getting me through the last 4 days.

I need a goal. Something to aspire to. A race, a savings, a trip. something to look forward to. I have a few things coming up. I was excited about them but now they seem like obligations. And stress.

This too shall pass.

Father's Day

2011-06-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

My dad died in 1988. I was 21. And he was 47. Today I am 44. I feel so young.

My dad had a lot of health issues. He smoked. He was a heavy drinker during my early years. (he quit when I was 11) He never exercised. He didnt eat well. It really is no surprised that he had a stroke at 42 and a massive heart attack that claimed his life.

I have grown to live without my father. I wasnt close to my dad. We didnt have any issues but we never related. As a matter of fact, I was just starting to build a relationship with him. At 21 I was starting to build a relationship with all of my family. I looked forward to holidays and family get togethers. I was an adult and wanted to learn about these people.

When a parent dies it changes the family dynamic. It changed mine. I built a strong relationship with my mom. I supported her desire to date. I wanted her to be happy. She was and ended being married to my step-dad for more that 13 years.

But our family changed. Not to label it good or bad. It was just different. Just distant. Life is about change and how we accept it.

My dad was a kind and gentle man. He was very patient and could read people really well. He was a great judge of character without ever being judgmental. I tend to accept people first and learn quickly about who one really is. My dad loved my mom and loved his family. He just wasnt involved.

I have always heard we attract what we know. A Spouse, and in my case, spouse x's many, will resemble one or both parents. I can agree that has been the case with me. My spouse(s) have been both the good and not so favorable qualities I had in my parents. Gentle, kind, distant, submissive, aggressive. We cant have a trait without having a hint or equal amount of the opposite.... no point in this blog.

My life is peaceful and calm right now. I miss the gentleness of my wise father to guide me through these rough times. I always make it in the long run. I have a lot of common sense, life lessons learned and stubbornness to help me through.

I wish my kids could have known my dad. Sadly, they didnt have grandparents near them. Either did I. Sadly, there own dad isnt even in their lives. I guess I chose my own family dynamic. I hope they learn how to forgive.

Stick a fork in it

2011-06-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

Over and out. Finished. See ya. Kaput.

Time makes it all better. I deserve better.

One Week and a Weekend in Vegas

2011-05-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

The bf and I officially have lived apart for 2 weeks. We officially havent seen each other for 7 days. I miss him. I have lived with him for 6 years and have a familiar life with him. It sucks that we know when something isnt healthy yet we tend to think it will fix itself. I had to leave and we both knew it.

No, we arent married. We never planned to be married. And we were and are still both okay with that. But In my heart and mind I have been married to him. Marriage is a relationship and just because we didnt mail in a piece of paper doesn't make our commitment less important or official. Married couples separate and this is acceptable to people. People hope that the love story will have a happy ending. I dont think others take our separation seriously. Yes, I am moved out and that is that. But if we were married I think others would see that we are only trying to save our marriage. To me, this is no different. People leave marriages all the time. Couples break up. Hearts are broken, and families divided. We all change. But we keep going back. Learning and realizing that we do love each other. We just need to learn how to live with each other.

We are working on it. I am doing some healing and learning to forgive and trust not only him, but me. We hope that in 30 days we will have become datable to the other. A new relationship is a time to bond and discover. I am not the same woman to him that I was 6 1/2 years ago. We grew apart, but hope we can grow back in the same direction. We are hopeful, it's a start.

So I was dreading my first weekend living down the street from him and not doing the things he and I do. I was pretty stressed and anxious. And low and behold I get a text from a new girlfriend to go to Vegas for the weekend. I said YES and we hit the road the next day.

I am not a Vegas person. It is too crowded for me and too aggressive for my tastes. But I was along for the ride and in such a need for some girl time and a change of scenery. Since we got in late we didnt get out until midnight and ended up staying out way too late. Vegas has a timeless vibe at all times. Nothing worse than leaving and having the sun already be UP!!! We had some great laughs and the people watching is the finest there can be. My friend picked up on a stray young hooker that proceeded to tell us the bad things about being a nude stripper. Poor thing. I hope she makes it through nursing school like she was hoping to.

Saturday was much of the same, All you can eat buffet, roller coaster ride, pool, nap and fancy dinner at Palms Restaurant. We had VIP to Tryst at the Wynn, but what a crowed cluster fuck and so much smoke in those places. We went to Hard Rock and enjoyed live music and dancing and made it out of there BEFORE the sun. Great weekend great friend and lots of laughs. Time to rest and get on with the new me.

2011-05-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

I have a huge list of things to do. I recently moved out of the bf's (although I own that place too)I love my new home and it feels very comfortable and positive.

We are doing the 30 day break. Today is day 3. We are in contact but not by phone. We are both taking this time to work on our selves and try to learn from this experience. If we had truly ended it, I would have taken this time to heal from this anyway so we both decided that we are still worth trying again.

Why is it different this time? We both have had years to make it different? And we have made the choice to blame the other for our actions. I cant fix me while blaming him. He cant either.

This time it is different because we have both lost everything. Everything that really matters. We are both looking within and living without. Doing the work is a lot of work and we both know that 30 days cant cover 6 plus years of radical dysfunction. I guess we are trying to see if we can become datable to each other.

I hear people don't really change. I don't believe that. I have changed over the years. And I will keep changing. I like that about me. Relationships need to grow but people tend to grow apart. I think it is hard to get back into that state of being once this happens. Especially when you have traveled the road we have.

I am optimistic that it can be different. 30 days. And then? Dating each other? Growing together? And growing up together?

Peace

change is free

2011-05-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

I mut just be a non-learner. I trust, I believe and I give and love and hope. And get used and lied to and walked all over. I'm going to say that I have been proved wrong this time.

It is not me. Again. It is men.

Men lie. They deceive. They make excuses. And then they wonder why we are the way we are.

You want to know a secret.? We know you lie and you will continue to lie and we resent you. Your relationship failed not because your wife doesn't like sex. It's because she doesn't like you. She is tired of the deciet and hurt. She doesn't respectt you. Your lies don't protect her the hurt her again and again and she releives all you lies everytime a new one leaves your lips. And you know what else? You made the choice to do it again and again.

Such bullshit.

Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone

2011-05-17T09:40:00.000-07:00

Life's lessons.

Repeating the same mistakes sure takes up a lot of time. I have had the oppurtunity to learn several of them in the last few weeks.

First of all- My intuition never lets me down. I let me down. So many times I know what I should be doing but decide to put my belief in the wrong direction. I am so craving a new freedom that I was willing to go the wrong way just to find it. I am glad I found out now what I already knew.

I moved over the weekend. What a process. The girls did a great job and I had so much help and support. For this, my gratitude and faith have been restored and the healing is beginning. I also feel a real sense of hope and change. It is no longer just a desire.

Now it is time for the real work.

To be continued...

Detached

2011-05-13T09:51:00.000-07:00

All that is composed will decompose;

All that is yours will leave and become someone else's.

Who keeps seducing the formless into form

Had the charm to win my heart

Only a perfect one.

When I let you in
You let me down

The Goodbye.

2011-04-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

Finally. The Goodbye. This was a relationship that never should have been. But it was and for a long time. 6 years is hard to let go of. It seems we should get better not worse. But it isn't like it is the first good bye for either of us. They always seem so painful and then when being done is good. It is a wonder why we put each other through such hell. I dont want hell. I want hope.

One thing I keep hearing from my people in my day to day life is does he know what he has with you? I dont exactly know what this means. But it comes from sincerity and people I respect. I dont think he ever knew what he truly felt about me. At least he couldnt tell me. If he could tell me, he couldn't show me. Never could he show me.

I wanted too much, too much more than he was capable of. He couldnt do it right for me. He wanted different things than I. He wants a place to party, drink and be with buddies. I want something more connected with people. I want sober people that have a deeper meaning. More dimension and who actually participate in the world the live in. I guess we both created this mess.

We never married. Relationships dont work. Nobody I know has a happy fulfilling one. But we own a house together. Harder to get rid of than a divorce. I said I would leave. But now, I am not so sure. Why should I leave? I have two girls in a home where they go to school. I have to stay in this neighborhood. He can go live anywhere. ANYWHERE. One guy. Anywhere. 3 people. In a 2 mile radius.

I bet he wont go. He will fight me and hold on. Im not asking to sell the house just let me stay until it is time to sell. Then...

I hate this place I am in.

This too shall pass.

Privacy Law

2011-04-06T21:19:00.001-07:00

I need my privacy. For now. I would love to include you in my self serving law. And if you are lucky I will let you in.

Rules:

1) I dont have to know you.

2) I do have to not dislike you. Whut....

3) You dont have to like me.

4) You do have to be interested though.

5) Big feet are a plus.

6) Big egos are not.

7) I prefer honesty over PC-ness

8) I want you to hopefully get me.

9) Comment on my stuff.

10)Be love. If you cant say anything nice, at least say something useful.

Send me your Gmail address. I will let you in. send it to mmcintyrelmt@yahoo.com.

If you dont request to read, you wont be able to see.

My Lumps

2011-03-31T15:57:00.000-07:00

http://uglyladylumps.blogspot.com/

New chapter. Defining moments.

Safe and sound

2011-03-23T05:26:00.000-07:00

I fixed it. I am almost there. That is the last time you get that part of me. And it is okay. You lost that key but it isnt gone.

Our paths are different. I will let you go.

But I still believe. You're out there waiting and I will find you, one day.

Breathe In~ Breathe Out

2011-03-22T05:05:00.000-07:00

Respect is earned. And it is taught. My boyfriend and my daughter do not respect each other. They want to. They try to. And I am here being the voice of my daughter. That is what I am supposed to do. And that is what I will do. When ugly becomes nasty, there are things you just cannot ever take back.

I have learned that when you hear what you dont want to hear about yourself, you will react like a wounded animal. Fangs out ready to hide. But we arent animals so we turn the tables and keep blaming the other person. We hide from ourselves and make excuses as way to justify that somehow a person we love deserved to be insulted.

My heart is heavy.

You just can't take it back.

Fav Movies- Day 7

2011-03-10T07:34:00.000-08:00

I wish I had the movie quote gene. It is definately a guy thing, for the most part. First off, I have a hard time focusing on anything longer that 30 minutes. I do find joy in listening to, mostly guys, talk in movies quotes, yet I couldnt even tell what movie it comes from.

I wont watch a movie I havent seen if it is not at the beginning. I will, only if I have seen it before. I typically will not watch a movie more than once, and it is very rare for me to watch a sequel.

I do not watch violent movies or horror films. period.

I find that movies made from books are usually not even close to being as good. But if I loved the booked, I will see the movie.

And there are MANY MANY MANY movies that were must sees that I never saw. Mostly out of pure laziness. And right about now, I am too lazy to even go into my favorite movies. So this is my 7 day blog.

Check back. I will add more later.

1 Mom, 1BF, 1 Ex and 2 Teens

2011-03-09T12:34:00.000-08:00

The Ex is coming to town. The girl's dad is still in Costa Rica (3 1/2 years now) and is finally coming to see them after 19 months. He is only coming to see them because I had to make him. Okay... so I cant make anyone I dont give blow jobs to do anything but I had to tell him that I needed him for him to show an interest. Maybe that isnt true entirely, but it is kinda true from my vantage point.

I am going out of town for 1 luxurious week without any of my family. I was invited to go on vacation with a family I work on. And by God, an all expenses paid, working vacation to Zihuatanejo-Ixtapa Guerrero Mexico is right up my alley.

I will have my own luxury condo and only work 3 or 4 hours a day, at most. And I will be getting paid for that as well. And the bonus is, I truly like these people and they treat me so well.

So the ex is arriving on Friday. Originally my BF was leaving to go out of town on Friday to return 2 days later on Sunday. The BF rarely shows any insecurities or jealousy. But He told me he had reservation about the ex being here while he was not here. Well, I did plan my dates well before he did and said so. Which, I found, was very insensitive. I didnt mean to, just sometime I like to be right.... I told him, he has nothing to ever worry about. The ex and I divorced in 1999. Typically, when I leave some one, I am over that someone. There is no passion or unfinished business. There is no just for old times sake. There is nothing left for me toward that person. If I am gone, I am done. The End.

It worked out that the BF is leaving Saturday and returning Monday. My ex leaves Wednesday so he and the BF will be spending some time with the girls together. This has been done before but not for more than a few hours.

I wonder if they will talk about me. Peanut butter cookies sound tasty right now.

This Picture Makes Me Happy -Day 6

2011-03-09T07:54:00.000-08:00

My family. I love these people. These are the people that I get up for. My whole being revolves around these 3 souls.

I have love. My daughters show me who I am as a mom. I see the job I am doing and I am proud of this accomplishment.

The BF. Hard as it is, when I search, I know that he is teaching me about love and learning and dedication and living. Though the challenge continues the love remains. And we press on.

This picture makes me happy.

A Song to Match My Mood-Day 5

2011-03-08T17:57:00.000-08:00

My Parents- Day 4

2011-03-08T12:16:00.000-08:00

Not a day goes by that I don't wish to hear the wisdom, love and support of my parents.

Both of my parents are gone. I miss them. I can reflect about them as parents and understand why they were the way they were, as parents.

I wish I knew them better. I wish I could ask so many questions. I wish I knew my dad now as the man he was. Not as my dad. And I wish I knew my mom as the woman she was, not as my mom.

I love and miss my parents. Life flies by.

Live. Today. Is. It.

My First Love - Day 3

2011-03-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

My first boyfriend. John. John. John.

He was 8 years older than I was. I met him when I was 15. I wasn't allowed to date him though. I lied about his age and told my parents he was 20. I met him on the south side of the Huntington Beach Pier. He was a surfer. Long hair. Tall. Talkative. Told me I had a killer body. He also told me I looked 19. Do me. Older guy, young and rebellious girl.

Thing with him, he was too experienced for me. And he played me well. I couldnt date him. I didnt want to lie to my parents and sneak around.

About a month before my 17th birthday, I called him. And we got together. He was the same. And I could date him now. I had a decent relationship with my parents and was mature-er and had good boundaries and trust. However, he did not. He was very seductive and very manipulative. And my mature-ness didn't understand that control and love are not the same. I wasnt even out of high school and was doing whatever this guy said. Wait. I was a bit on the wild side he wanted to squish that so I wouldn't find fun else where. He was able to shut me out from all of my friends lives and keep me at arms distance from my family. I wasnt close to anyone but him.

I had a fake ID at 17, so we were able to go to bars, and Vegas and party like crazy. Cocaine was haute and who isnt super cool all coked up at 17? I was. (cringe) We went through about 2 years of weekend binging. After a long weekend in Vegas of hallucinating from being awake for 3 days, I quit. Never touched it again and havent since. But we still drank. In fact, we would drink and fight. Fight over what a shitty boyfriend he was.

I lived in fear. He would tell me 'do as I say, not as I do.' I was told I was nothing without him. I would never get anywhere in life without him. And I thought it was true. And then he left for a weekend. And I broke free and went out. And I was like a starving animal. I met an insanely handsome foreign man. And that weekend, He swept me off my feet. And he was sweet and gentle and kind and loving and giving. He took nothing. And I loved not feeling fear. I felt free.

I broke up with John when he returned. And he said it was my loss. Three days later he called me, afraid. He couldnt believe that I hadnt called him. He cried and promised me all things he was doing would change. That is what we fought about all the time was my freedom to just be and be able to love him. All those years he accused me of cheating on him, which I suspected was his own guilt of cheating on me. I told him I met someone else and I finally did what he accused me of. And I didnt care.

He talked me back in to being with him. And I believed. But this time, I had the upper hand. And when he would turn back into the guy he really was, I had the anger too. I went through 2 1/2 more years with this guy. He was never emotionally available. He would never commit to me. He would never give to me. And the last time I talked to him, he was still in the same place.

My first love taught me what love wasnt. And it taught me how to know what I didnt want. 5 years. I had to learn to not be in a relationship with John.

My fist love sucked.

Nice Peace of Buddhy -Day 2

2011-03-04T09:12:00.000-08:00

I started using the name "Nice Peace of Buddhy" on Myspace. I love the idea of a peaceful life and Buddhism is a beautiful way of life and getting closer to source. I have way too much ADD to focus on getting to know a deep spiritual practice, so I basically try to live the golden rule and be Nice and be Peaceful the Buddha way.

Now for the 'Buddhy". That is the yin and yang of my name. I have a perv-o side and I think the "Buddhy is suggestively naughty and shows the balance I strike with spirit and life on my terms. See, I dont think you can do it wrong. Discovering who you are along the way is living. Mistakes are what give us experience and shape our lives.... or dont.

Besides, who doesnt love a Nice Peace of Buddhy now and again?

30 Day Blog Challenge

2011-03-03T09:13:00.000-08:00

Let's start this blog anew. I will begin with 15 true facts about me. There is no order to importance just randomness that comes to mind.

1)I went to 7 different schools. I only lived in 2 houses growing up.

2)I tried smoking at the age of 4. I coughed a lot.

3)I used to steal clothes as a pre teen. From Neiman Marcus.

4)I love pickles on hamburgers.

5)I have an outty belly button. When I was young I really hated it.

6)My second toes is longer than my big toes. AKA Hang Ten Feet

7)I lived at home til I was 22. Since, I have moved 17 times, living in 3 different states

8) When I had my second daughter I secretly knew would be a single mom, soon.

9) I rarely finish anything I start.

10) Massage school was the first thing I finished.

11) I have never had to work on my weight. I am grateful for that daily.

12) I push people out of my life.

13) I only once looked up porn on the internet.

14) Since I quit smoking I think I could eat as much a any man.

15) I am much more aggressive than I am passive.

I hope some day to live in another country and have a do good job that comes from the heart. My job now comes from the heart but there are times I need a change of scenery.

Schbling.

2011-03-01T09:15:00.000-08:00

I dont have no ring on mah fingha... Okay, no ghetto.

I also dont need one, but that doesnt mean i wouldnt want one or be proud to have one. Yeah yeah, I can buy my own. But to me a ring represents that someone has love for you. At least in the moment that you receive that ring. I have been with my boyfriend since February 2005. 6 years now. No ring. I am not saying it would or could help us have or have had any better relationship.

I am not good at marriage. But I am good at loving someone.

Yeah but, maybe Im not lovable enough.

Tolerant to Toxic

2011-01-28T13:14:00.000-08:00

As a massage therapist, I am required to renew my license every 2 years. In order to do so I need to take state approved continuing education courses. I take them at a reputable massage school and then mail in the fee in a timely fashion. Timely fashion means at the very last minute in this case. When this happens I am limited in the selection of classes I can take. So this time I had to take classes that were available and convenient for me.

I am taking a different type of modality to release 'control' or holding pattens or what ever else. It is interesting and easy work and also very powerful. More powerful than I would have expected.

I always dread taking these classes.

1) I have to.
2) They are expensive
3) You have to work on people
4) They are time consuming
5) I think I know everything already.

When I am in them, I LOVE them.

1) They are fun
2) A new skill is a enjoyed by clients
3) I get to get body work
4) They are motivating and refreshing
5) I didn't know everything after all

I usually like to give first. So you pair up with someone and you exchange this new modality. I give first because it is fresh in my mind and I am excited to see it work. And I always hate getting something relaxing and then having to jump up and give. It is selfish but it works for me.

I did that today. I gave first. And the other body loved it, responded well and released. holding patterns. He was able to articulate what I was doing and how it was affecting him. He was easy and pleasant to work on and gave me the feedback I needed. The instructor came over and made sure I was doing it correctly, although you cant do it wrong.

Then it was my turn. The minute he touched me, (I was face down, or prone) I held on. I wouldnt let him in. I wouldnt let go. He was doing a great job at being gentle and patient. The instructor walked over and asked him how he was doing. He said I was guarded. Boy, if only he knew at that moment how very guarded I really was. The instructor was standing at my shoulders and asked me if I knew what I was holding on to. I told him "yes, I do" He asked if I was willing to let go, and I agreed again "yes" He told me to breath it out, on the exhale, release it. I started to quietly cry. I wanted to weep loudly. But I knew I want to 'control' my composer. He kept talking softly to me telling me that I was not being judged and I was safe to be there. "Safe" was what I wanted and what I needed.

I needed to be cared for. To be accepted. To be loved. Not to be criticized. Or judged. Or expected. Just to be safe. He kept saying, "you are safe" I knew at that moment, I was. But i know deep down, I am not. Not safe to just love and be and feel and receive. There is a price I am paying. We have gone from tolerant to toxic.

I dont know how to let go. I cant ask questions for they are all wrong. Wrong tone, Wrong words. Wrong topic. I question everything I do and say right now. I clench my jaws so tight, my teeth ache. I have no energy or feel so very little joy. Because why? I. Am. Not. Safe. To be. with you.

Coffee and Whitening Strips

2011-01-25T19:18:00.000-08:00

So the other morning I was home whitening my teeth while drinking coffee. Actually, I woke up showered brushed flossed and did the strips. Then the coffee. Warning: never, I repeat NEVER take those things out and want to drink your coffee so bad that you take a giant swig of your coffee with that shit still coating your teeth. Why? Ok this might be kinda gross ok it is really gross but it was like a very unexpected hot rush of male ejaculate washing down my throat! I literally gag as I was so shocked.

This is my public service message to you.

You're welcome.

2011-01-24T17:15:00.001-08:00

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The Same Old Ground

2011-01-20T03:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we stay together, because we don't leave.

I usually leave. And it takes a very long and painful time. I am very proud and rebellious. Not a winning ingredient in a relationship that is frustrating and just. plain. hard.

Why? When something feels bad my instinct is to get away from it, end it, make it go away, change it.

Do we hold on to hope or look at reality? I hear we arent supposed to live in the past but doesnt history always repeat itself?

Opposites are good and bad. I like to share a life with the person I am with not plan life by myself. It's okay.

Think about it...

How I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Hugs not Drugs

2011-01-20T03:15:00.000-08:00

I got a call the other day from my 12 year old daughters school. It was the guidance counselor telling me a teacher had overheard her and her friends bragging about drinking and smoking the ganja. The called her in from class to talk to her about this. The counselor asked her if it was true. She denied it, and told her that she wouldnt do that and isnt going to do that. She said she wouldnt do it because her older sister would be very mad at her.

The counselor told me not to say anything to her about the phone call. So I waited to see if she would say something to me about the incident. My daughter text me and told me that she had something to tell me. All I could think was "This is a good sign" she is communicating with me.

She ended up texting me, telling me there was something she needed to talk to me about and then proceeded to tell me about it. When I called her on my way home from work She denied it still. Anyone that is a parent wants to believe anything their kid says, you want the best for your child. I told her that and told her for piece of mind, I wanted to drug test her. She got pretty upset and asked if I trusted her. I said if you didnt do it "Okay" is the only thing you should say. She said "Okay"

I bought the Mack daddy drug test. (pictured above) It tests everything. I got home and went through the directions with her. It is very much like a prego test, pee in a cup, soak the test and wait. It is really simple and you can see results in 10 minutes or less.

After a very busy and emotional week when the negative results came through, I wanted to sob. I was proud and relieved and reassured. Being the sole parent everyday is exhausting. Even more so with teen girls. The mood swings are very trying. I have to work and they are too old for a sitter so trust and communication are a constant topic at my house.

All is well with the kids. I expressed my emotion with her. And got a great big hug and an I love you.

Jumbley Happiness

2011-01-20T02:24:00.000-08:00

It's 3:25 am. I have been awake for an hour. I cant sleep. So I made coffee and spewed out a blog and now another. I have been keeping to myself over the past year or so. Mostly in the last 6 months. The less I say the less of a let down I am. I tend to do that. Let people down. And for whatever reason they expect anything from me is a mystery. In the work I do, I GIVE all day. Give, Give , Give.

My give is good but not my get. I am looking forward to a few getaways although that wont start until mid March. But how glorious they will be. I am taking a working vacation to Ixtapa and a girls weekend to Vail. No tan lines while snowboarding. Nice.

I have only snowboarded once and I am excited to do it again even if I am a little intimidated by the big mountains of Vail. I guess if it is too much there is always the lodge. Being a righty/lefty seems to have made me pretty dyslexic. Not sure what that has to do with anything... I also plan on doing a beach house again this summer and just purchased my ticket to BURNING MAN. I will go alone if I have to. Anything in between my trips is a plan to go to Napa. I also hope to squeeze in another girls weekend and I am game for anything. Europe will have to wait till next year.

I have some pretty specific goals for the year. Big changes are in store. I am very guarded right now and un-trusting. Seems I have big issues to fix and probably would be better off conquering the demons in solitude. Oh, wait, I have those people that I have to give to first. Once I get through this part, the hardest part, I actually trust that the answer will come and all will be good.

Next.

* Shrugs* Whatever.

2011-01-09T18:37:00.000-08:00

I never realized how offensive I am. I really make a lot of people unhappy for just being myself. When I am in a good and fun loving, easy going mood, I am questioned. When I am in a bad mood I am questioned. I am constantly being criticized. Why. What did I do wrong this time.

I didnt do anything wrong. Just living life my way. Without apologies, without guilt. With love in my heart. And I thought I was going the right way. Turns out, I always make someone unhappy. Maybe I cant handle the truth. But I DGAF. I am done with that.

I will for all the days of my life do what ever I want to do for my kids. I have a pretty fair and consistently positive relationship with my teem girls. I will NEVER stop where I am with them for another soul on this earth. Not even their dad. No one is taking care of me so I pay my dues and do my thing. Why should I feel bad for that. They contribute as much as everyone else. But apparently, I am not doing them any favors. Spending the day with them on my terms didnt harm them. We laughed and had a blast getting pedi's and shopping with their Xmas money. Tell me; How the fuck would this be wrong?

Oh well. I had a great Sunday.

I Love Presence

2011-01-02T08:35:00.001-08:00

Awe. A new year. We are obsessed with dates and numbers and new and old. When the new year falls right in the middle of a weekend, the new year doesnt really start until Monday. You cant start exercising and eating better and giving up booze on Jan 1st. With the 1st being a Saturday, that is even more of a ridiculous thought. So now that Monday is tomorrow, it is a good day for reflecting on what will be. Why do today what you can do tomorrow?

I had a super fantastic year in 2010. I learned a lot about myself, my kids and the BF. I had some super struggles with family, alcohol connecting and depression. All of these struggles are still present, but I have learned how to deal with them in a healthier way. Dont get me wrong, I am far from healed and healthy, just not living in denial.

My mom died 3 years ago. It seems like so much longer then that. I so miss her wisdom and support. I miss family get togethers that me and my siblings will never have again. I will learn from this and keep my girls as my family close to me.

My girls. I really cherish these young women. They are the positive force that keeps me in check. How true it is that we have so much to learn from our youth. They have a fresh approach and mostly an un-jaded perspective on life. They are also so willing to love and learn. I have developed the most amazing respect and bond with them. It fills my soul and makes me proud to have their unending love.

The BF... we are approaching 6 years. Six very challenging years. Honestly, we have an extreme relationship, it is either really tight or falling apart. We spent some time together on the therapist couch over the summer. We were both enlightened to see that neither of us is right or wrong. We both have come very close to leaving. Me more than him. He tends to love me just enough to keep me "in" and when he is on the way out I guess I love him just enough to have him stay. We are that couple that individually we are both pretty cool but together we suck. We are trying not to suck together as much as we have. Blame and resentment take up a lot of time.... We shall press on.

My biggest goals this year is to expand my heart to meeting new people and using what's in my heart outside of myself. I want to travel more and learn a new skill. Mostly I want to be at peace with myself and live the Buddha way. I also hope to do the practical things like be healthy save money and not use social networking as a means to define my relationships. I should probably get a dumb phone to eliminate that. I will plan to see my siblings and family with patience and openness.

Mostly my goal is to stop blaming and resenting the past.

Peace to living NOW.

Cant and dont

2010-12-29T05:20:00.000-08:00

I cant read a map. I can if I already know where I am. I cant if I have to find where I am. Which is kinda like looking in the dictionary to find out how to spell a word.

I dont like seeing peoples clothing tags while walking standing or sitting behind them.

I dont like to be awaken with loud snoring.

I cant attempt to do cartwheels for fear of breaking something.

I cant seem to get to the gym anymore.

I dont like going to the movies because candy wrapper noise makes me irritable.

I dont like asking for something from anyone I know. I would rather do it myself.

I cant really trust anyone anymore. But I wish to.

I cant believe how old my kids are. I so miss their innocence.

I wont do what I am doing much longer. It makes me miserable. and you too.

I cant eat hot dogs.

I cant stand hiding from myself. I do though.

I wont ever promise you anything again.

I cant change you or the past.

I cant use left handed sissors. I dont know how to spell scissors.

I cant wait to get away.

I wont change for you.

I cant just be.

I cant stand bad coffee.

I cant and wont be a vegetarian.

I wish I was closer to my family...

Oh Happy Mo Fo

2010-11-18T12:29:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I wasnt clear. All is good. I have high hopes and that is why my physicality never changes. Only the dream of harmony and cohabitation. I dont want to be wrong anymore. I am still trying to hold things in. Can that ever be enough? Not quite.

Any one want to take a blissfull trip to Napa with me? How about a backpacking trip? Or I could be pretty fucking happy at the Ritz on Maui.

One day. Before it's too late.

Spam Roll

2010-11-16T15:33:00.000-08:00

I have Spam on my blog roll. I dont know how it got there or how to get rid of it. Woof. They write about samsung. who is this? Does anyone know? I'm scared.

Business is booming. Life is moving on. The holidays are upon us. Check. Okay, so I have been not checking blogger for a while. At least inconsistently. I only can write when things are shitty. I like the way my blog turns out but sound like a bloody whiner. So I just havent been writing. In a lot of ways, my life hit an all time low, well maybe for only this year it hit a low and I kinda crawled under a rock and did some soul searching and wound licking. The bf and I are still at it. Still together. Still trying. Still hard headed still stubborn still love each other. It's weird. It's weird because it is so good and sooo hard. We both are holding on by a thread, know the other isnt replaceable, and knowing that tolerance is a true test of our love/hate relationship.

Um. Kids are teens. I officially am one of the stupidest people in the house. unless it's payday. hay is a lovely, almost 16 year old and just about to celebrate her 1 year of being straight edge. I am very proud of her commitment to stand true to something that she beleives in. It isnt perfect but she has earned my trust and has taught me a lot about her in the last year. If only I could stop the mouth and the eye rolling...

Liv. Liv, liv, liv. Holy shit with her. 12, looks 16, pretty, funny, smart. L.A.Z.Y. Homework is not something in her vocabulary. Grounded again this year for F's from not turning in homework. Geesus. She is a true joy and cracks me up. Whoever said I'm going to have to watch out for that one, was correct. Please take it back!!!!

Family is the same. Trying to work out the kinks. My brother still hasnt spoken to me. It is almost a year now. He actually emailed me to call him to get this off his soul. I called left a message and still havent heard back from July. Sad. Today is gone forever. I miss his kids and wife and the family. Nothing I can do. I have made several attempts to contact him. And nothing.

Which leads me to missing my mom. I miss her a lot these days. I just need her guidance and friendship. Although I dont have regrets, I do wish I could do some things differently. Many things really.

I am trying to force myself to get out there and meet new people. I am afraid of that sometimes. I fear that the light I find will take me away. I tend to get up and leave. I have the grass is always greener syndrome. And it has been greener. And I have been in limbo for so long. In a lot of ways, I am only here because I am trying not to run. Yet I am always happy I stayed until it falls apart again. I dont know what normal is anymore for me. But I am where I want to be today and focusing on the good and releasing the thoughts that make me angry, while trying to stay true to me and us and learn and grow.

Okay. Bye.